Let me get this straight

The phone rang. The female caller said she was Dr. Ludden.  She had gotten my number from Mikey.  It took me a moment to realize she was Mikey’s sister-in-law, the psychiatrist.  One of her twin brothers had overdosed on Klonopin and was in the E.R.  She had written the prescription.  Her main concern seemed to be avoiding questions about her prescribing practices.  Her plan was to detox him herself.  She wanted to admit him to our facility on paper, but keep him at home. 

At first I thought she must have been kidding.  I decided to play along. “If I present this to our doc, he’s gonna ask why we don’t just bring your brother here.   I’m kinda wondering the same thing.” 

“Nothing against your doctor, but nobody understands my brother like I do," Dr. Ludden said. "He’ll feel safest if I oversee his detox.  And,” she paused, “I’ve had a little misunderstanding with the licensing board.  They might not see the wisdom in treating him at home.  Bureaucrats.  Besides, you’ll get paid, but I’ll do all the work.  It’s a win-win.” It was also the craziest thing I’d heard in a long time.

“So you want to be in charge of the detox, do it at home, but have our doc sign off on it? Don’t think he’ll go for it.”

“Listen Ken, I know how big clinics like yours work.  You do all the paperwork and some poor overworked doc just signs it. We only need two signatures, one agreeing my brother can be detoxed at home, and another when he’s done. Get the signatures, and I’ll pay you a processing fee in cash.”

It had always been my policy when facing a stupid, unethical, or ridiculous request to repeat it out loud. “You want to pay me under the table to sneak paperwork past our doc twice, in order to avoid embarrassing questions the AMA might ask.  If something goes wrong, he’ll be responsible for a patient he doesn’t know he’s treating.”   She didn’t seem to grasp the ridiculousness of her request.   I listed the parts of the addiction counselor code of ethics she wanted me to violate.  She still seemed oblivious to problems she’d be creating by the way she wanted to handle the problems she already had.  On the other hand, I felt satisfied I had done all I could to enlighten her.

“No,” I said, and hung up.

If today I encounter a stupid, unethical, or ridiculous request, I will repeat it out loud to whoever made the request.  I will do this for their sake and mine.

Life on Life’s Terms II © 2015 by Ken Montrose

(Just a reminder: LOLT II is a work of fiction.  Any resemblance to anyone you might know is purely coincidental.)