Friday, September 28, 2018

People
Dr. Deb and the kids were home. I told her about The New Boss retiring. She was happy for him, sensed I was jealous, and asked me to look around. I did.

Blondie sat on the couch next to her brother, laughing like a hyena as the two watched a YouTube video. She was thrilled I wouldn’t fish again with The New Boss, ‘the guy who nearly drowned Daddy.’ The little girl who’d been my shadow for so many years had grown up, but never really moved away.   A teammate once said, “She has every reason to be arrogant, and she isn’t.” It was impossible not to love her.

After years of tearing electronics apart, Brat Boy was putting finally putting them together. He was smart, funny, and kind. ‘He still kisses me goodnight,’ my wife liked to point out. ‘He’s not very particular, he still kisses the dog goodnight too,’ I’d say, knowing what she meant – the kid had a big heart.   

I smiled at Dr. Deb. When we met, I was a fixer-upper the Property Brothers would have passed on. Divorced, broke, kicked out of school, in debt, newly sober, and working impossible hours trying to keep a mental health outpatient site afloat in the face of huge funding cuts.  The stress diet had carved forty pounds from my frame, and I swam in the same clothes I’d worn when I was heavier.  She was smart, beautiful, and clearly going places.

“Why’d you marry me?” I asked, rubbing her shoulders.

“You know why,” she said. “I wanted tall children.”

So many people new to recovery either never had anybody who cared about them, or had burned bridges to just about everyone in their lives.  I counted all the people in my life who cared about me.

Today I’ll be grateful for the people in my life.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.


Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Thursday, September 27, 2018

Resentment
Not long after my conversation with Drivel, The New Boss called me into his office. He wanted to give me first chance to buy his cabin. He and his trophy wife were retiring to a houseboat in Florida. How to respond?

I wanted to say, ‘You insensitive jackass. I have a kid in college and another in grad school. Unlike you I didn't retire at 50. I will work until they find me slumped over my desk or I collapse at a podium somewhere. To pay for funeral costs, I’ve arranged to have my body run through a woodchipper and sold for mulch. I sincerely hope your last sight of your wife is from the deck of your sinking houseboat as she climbs aboard a deckhand’s dinghy and motors off into the sunset.’

Instead I remembered he had taken me fishing, and, the founders of AA cited resentment as the number one killer of serenity and sobriety. I said, “Congratulations on your retirement. I’m really not in a position to buy another house right now, but thanks for asking me first.”

His smile was a little awkward when he said, “Well, I didn’t really ask you first. You’re the first person from this office I’ve asked…”

I didn’t say, ‘As they’re pulling away from the flames shooting out of your uninsured boat, I hope she looks over her shoulder at you and holds up a briefcase you know is full of your money.’ Instead, I said to myself, ‘let it go, you have a good life, no sense in letting resentment spoil your day.’

“No problem, I’m just flattered you asked. Who’s going to take over for you?”

Today I’ll beware of resentment.



Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.


Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Wednesday, September 26, 2018


Is There Tax On That?
After so many years of listening to self-help gurus, Drivel became one. He borrowed phrases and ideas from many of the people he had followed. Mike Maverick tried to sue him from prison, but his case was thrown out.

“You don’t believe half of what you say,” I said to Drivel when I ran into him at the gym.  We laughed.

“I don’t have to believe it, I just have to sell it,” he said as his smile faded. “Just like it was sold to me.”

I thought I understood his anger, he had been conned time and again.  But unlike Maverick, Drivel had a conscience.  Selling something he didn’t believe in was going wear on him.

“Some things are taxed more than others,” I said. He looked at me blankly. “One thing I learned from people who had to pay for expensive habits - you can’t sell your body or your integrity without taxing your soul.”

“You’re worried I’ll sell this body?” he asked. He was joking, but I didn’t laugh.

“I’m worried about you selling your integrity.”

He nodded, stared at his shoes, and then walked to a machine on the other side of the gym.  As we were both leaving later that day he said, “Good thing heroin wasn’t your drug of choice. What would you sell?”

“I couldn’t raise enough to order from the dollar menu at McDonalds,” I said. “You could. If you tried real hard and found a dollar on the sidewalk. Maybe.” 

We traded insults. We laughed, but I worried about him.

Today I won’t sell my integrity at any price.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.


Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Tuesday, September 25, 2018

Triggers
The New Boss took Weedman back after he went to rehab for his porn addiction. Weedman traded in the latest iPhone for a throwaway he got at Walmart. No internet, no apps, just phone calls. He pitched his home computer and got basic cable, no adult movies.

“I’m still tempted to stop at the adult bookstore,” he said. “But I’d have to be really want to go in there.”

I said, “Always good to put distance between you and whatever triggers your addiction. If the brownies are on the coffee table while I’m watching TV, it doesn’t take much of a craving for me to eat them all. If they’re in the kitchen, I gotta get up and that may slow me down. If I have to make them, or go to the bakery, I’d have to be crazy hungry for brownies.”

Weedman, who was a bit of a neat freak, laughed and shook his head, “Brownies in the living room? How do you stay married? At least with porn there’s no crumbs.” I knew he was joking, but I thought he might be half serious.

Today I’ll put as much distance as I can between me and my triggers.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.


Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Monday, September 24, 2018

So Here’s My Situation
A year later Brittany married Frozen Snake Boy. A month after the wedding she filed for divorce.
“I bet you want to say ‘I told you’,’’ Brittany said to me the morning after she filed. She started to cry. Frozen Snake Boy had run up their credit cards, cheated on her, and quit working, all in the first month.

I had told her. Many times. Drivel had warned her. The New Boss had tried to talk her out of the wedding. Weedman had sent her a text with a single word – “NO!”

Even knowing that Jackie had probably poisoned her husband, Brittany went to her for advice. In a nutshell, Jackie had said ‘don’t listen to those men, you can make this work.’

“Do you know what priming the pump means?” I asked. Brittany shook her head and wiped away a tear. “In those old-fashioned hand-pumps you’d pour in a little water to lubricate the pump. You’d use a little water to get more water.”

“So?”

“So you were looking for good advice, some wisdom. You needed to use a little wisdom to get more. Ask enough people and you’ll get the answer you want – unwise. Ask the right people and you get the answer you need. You had to know asking someone who probably killed her husband wasn’t wise.” 
Today I’ll try to be wise while seeking wisdom.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose
Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Friday, September 21, 2018

Shut Up!
The next weekend was Indian summer, with a light breeze and a high of sixty-five degrees. People who rarely went outside could be seen soaking up whatever sun they could, knowing a dismal late fall and dreadful winter waited like muggers hiding in an alley they had to walk past.  I hauled my bike to the Butler-Freeport trail.

I got on the trail at Bonniebrook Road and pedaled to Freeport, loving nature, knowing this would be my last chance to ride my bike for a long time.  The trail ended in a parking lot with paths to the Allegheny River. I rode part way down a path to bring my mileage to 16.5 miles. The tiny trip computer attached to my handlebars told me I’d made the trek in under an hour.

I turned around and pedaled. The first half was slightly downhill. Going back, my legs felt heavy and the uphill grade slowed me down. That annoying voice that had contributed to so many bad decisions started yakking.

“What’s the point of a personal best?” “You’re not racing anybody but you. Slow down.”  “You’ll never keep up this pace.”  I really wanted to listen to the voice.

I made the return trip in an hour and fifteen minutes, a record for me.  I fist pumped the air thrilled I hadn’t given in to the voice. This was the same voice that had told me I’d never get sober. Or lose weight. Or finish my novel.  It felt great once again to silence that voice.

“Today I won’t ignore the voice of doubt. I will silence it.”

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.


Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Thursday, September 20, 2018

Not to Worry
Because the universe has a wicked sense of humor, Blondie called me that night to ask if I had fun on my fishing trip.

“You didn’t fall in, did you Daddy?” she asked, laughing.

“I fell in, but I wasn’t hurt,” I said, cringing.

“Daddy! I knew it. I knew you were going to fall in. Oohh, I’m so mad at you.”

I thought she was overreacting. I knew she wasn’t really mad, but knew I’d added to her concerns. Now that her fears had been confirmed, she’d worry even more the next time I went fishing. 

I felt bad, but I’d found another reason to be grateful I was sober. Because I was sober, I had not given her many reasons to be worry. I didn’t drive drunk. I didn’t do drugs.  My idea of a good time was a long workout followed by dinner and a movie with her mother.

“Sorry Kiddo,” I said. “Not to worry, I won’t be fishing again for a while.”

Today I’ll be grateful I don’t give loved ones a reason to worry.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Wednesday, September 19, 2018

Think
The water was too cold for wading in water shoes. I fished from the bank.

A rustling in the woods behind me caught my attention. I turned to look in time to see a man with a really long rifle walking toward me. Scenes from the movie Deliverance flashed through my mind.
I stepped back and planted my left foot firmly in the air. Tumbling down the bank I broke my rod in half seconds before I hit the water. 

The pool was chest deep and I stood up sputtering and coughing.

“Are you OK buddy?” The man asked as he stood on the bank looking down at me. “Didn’t mean to scare you.”  The New Boss came running up.

It was muzzle-loader bear season in Pennsylvania. I knew that. Had I taken a second to think about it, I wouldn’t have reacted.  I would have stayed warm and dry up on the bank, talking with the hunter about fishing, or the weather, or the beauty of the Pennsylvania woods. 

Later that day I started thinking about how many times my initial reaction, based on fear or anger, had hurt me.  “Better to think, then act,” I said to myself.  I remembered my last conversation with my daughter. “Better think of something to tell Blondie when she asks about my fishing trip.”

Today I will think and act rather than react.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.


Other works by Ken Montrose are available at www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Tuesday, September 18, 2018

Greener Grass
It was mid-October before The New Boss and I found the time for a weekend fishing trip.
We could have fished from his deck, but The New Boss said, “I know it’s crazy, but I’m always convinced the fish are in the next pool. I’ve caught fish here, but let’s drive a couple miles down the road and fish there. Do you mind?”

“Nope,” I said. “But I gotta tell you, when we were kids my dad was always convinced the fish were on the other side of the lake.  We never had a boat so we’d trek across swamp and woods to get to the spots nobody fished. Walking back to the car at the end of the day we’d pass people fishing the places we’d abandoned. They’d show us all the fish they’d caught.”

“Greener grass syndrome,” The New Boss said. “I know I have it.” We drove down the road anyway.

Today I will make sure I’m not giving into greener grass syndrome.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose
Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.


Other works by Ken Montrose are available at www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Monday, September 17, 2018

Pet Therapy
I had been resentful when I got to the hall. After Bandgee walked up the aisle I’d made up my mind to enjoy the wedding. As I walked out of the bathroom I passed Frozen Snake Boy.  I took a deep breath, told myself I wasn’t going to let him get to me.

“Time to hit the reset button,” I said out loud. I found Bandgee, bent down to scratch his ears, and let him lick my face. “Nothing like a little pet therapy.”

Today I will  seek out some pet therapy.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.


Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Friday, September 14, 2018

The Worst
Between the ceremony and the reception a line formed at the bathroom.  Frozen Snake Boy got in line behind me. I nodded slightly, hoping he’d read the gesture as ‘I’ll acknowledge you exist, but that’s about it.’  He didn’t get the hint.

“I’m not a bad guy,” Frozen Snake Boy said. Clearly, he knew who I was. “It’s just that women like me. I get tempted, but I always come back to Brittany.” He wanted credit for that.

I should have said, ‘you arrogant little punk, I pray you never have kids.’ Instead, I said, “Brittany has a big heart. You break that heart every chance you get. She deserves better.”

For just a second I thought I saw regret cross his face, but he loved himself too much to feel bad about anything he’d done. He said, “Brittany says you like quotes. Well here’s one for you. Judge not. Maybe you’ve heard that one.”

“Let me quote a meme I saw the other day. ‘I’d unplug your life-support to charge my phone.’”
The door to the bathroom opened and I walked in, thinking ‘that kid brings out the worst in me.’

Today I’ll avoid people who bring out the worst in me.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose


Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Thursday, September 13, 2018

Pick Your Poison
The minister said the words, “’Til death do you part.” Drivel and I looked at Jackie, an evil smirk formed on her face.

“Oh, she poisoned him,” Drivel said with a shudder.  “Don’t set your drink down, or she might poison you.”

“I never set my drink down,” I said.  “Some people think it would be funny to add booze to my glass. Alcohol was poisonous to me.  I break out in stupid decisions.”

“Bullshit is poisonous for me. I fall for it every time. When I fall I break my wallet.”

Today I’ll beware of poison in any form.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.


Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Wednesday, September 12, 2018

How Important Is It?
The bride had spent the morning getting her hair and makeup perfect. Even so, she didn’t bend down to pat Bandgee on the head, which was really all anyone would expect. She dropped to one knee and cradled Bandgee’s face in her hands.  The dog did what dogs do. He licked her face. Twice. The bride wiped her cheek with the back of her hand.

From where I sat, I couldn’t see if the Bandgee’s kiss had any effect on the Bride’s makeup. Wife of The New Boss gasped.  She too had spent the morning getting her hair and makeup done.  The Bride turned to look at her, smiled and shrugged. “I love this dog!” she said.  Someone asked if she meant Bandgee or Daniel. The crowd laughed.

‘One of these women knows what’s important,’ I thought.

Today I’ll focus on what’s truly important.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.


Other works by Ken Montrose are available at www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Tuesday, September 11, 2018

Enjoying Today
Even after years of practicing acceptance, I couldn’t let go of the verdict. It bugged me.  I was shocked when Daniel didn’t cancel Jackie’s invitation to his wedding. A month later it still bugged me as I sat in a chair one row away from Jackie at the ceremony.

Bandgee acted as ring bearer. He wore a bow tie and sweater that looked like a tux. One of Daniel’s brothers held the dog’s leash until it was time to exchange vows. He took the dog off the leash. 

 Daniel turned and said, “Here boy.” Bandgee waddled forward, tail wagging furiously, with the rings attached to his collar.  Almost everyone in the hall said ‘awww’ all at once.

The cuteness of it all drove the resentment over the verdict from my mind. That was yesterday, today was a new day. I made up my mind to enjoy the wedding.

I won’t let yesterday get in the way of enjoying today.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.


Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Monday, September 10, 2018

Do What You Can
A month later I sat in court, a sick feeling coiled in my stomach. Jackie’s attorney was slick like an Alaskan oil spill.  The prosecutor didn’t have a strong case.  She was acquitted. I thought she was guilty. I had testified. There wasn’t much more I could do, but I had done what I could.

Today I will do what I can to make life more fair.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.


Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Friday, September 7, 2018

Par lay voo France, eh?
Two weeks later the subpoena arrived by certified mail. I was required to be in court the last two days in October. Those were the days I was supposed to finally present the burnout training.

After all the back and forth fighting about the time, place, and price of the burnout training, I’d have to cancel it.  I would no doubt be sitting in a courtroom for hours, waiting to testify for ten minutes, about something I didn’t know much about. I wasn’t happy.

I took a deep breath and said out loud, “C’est la vie. That’s life.”  I smiled. When Blondie was a baby, I told Dr. Deb I was going to teach her French.   Dr. Deb pointed out that I knew maybe two French words, and couldn’t pronounce either of them correctly.

I had said to Blondie, “Time for your French lesson. Say ‘Mario Lemieux, Pepe Le Pew, chocolate mousse, Jacques Cousteau, Black Jacques Shellac, chic boutique,…’”

The memory made me smile, even though I  was still a little angry,   I texted Blondie “Par lay voo France, eh?”

Today I will accept, and maybe laugh at, forces in my life beyond my control.


Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.


Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Thursday, September 6, 2018

Misplaced Loyalty
After the police left, Drivel stopped at my cubicle. “Jackie knew the police were coming today. She called last night to get me to spin what I’d tell them.”

“Damn, you didn’t lie to them, did you?” I asked.

“She has been good to me for many years,” Drivel said. “I felt I owed her something. On the other hand, I think she poisoned her husband. I really do. I told them so.  Now I feel like I betrayed her, like I’m not a loyal friend.”

“You know how they say ‘til death do us part? That’s for marriages. I think for friendships ‘until poison pulls us apart’ applies. Loyalty ended when you discovered she’s homicidal.”

“Maybe,” Drivel said, looking miserable.

“Listen, two guys I knew grew up together in a sketchy neighborhood. Each had the other’s back. They got addicted and both tried to get clean. One did, the other went back to using and selling drugs. He tried to pull his friend back into using. The guy who got clean tried to cut ties to his friend.  The drug dealer caught him outside an NA meeting and demanded to know what happened to his loyalty.”

“Then what?”

“The guy who got clean said he owed his loyalty to the guy he grew up with and he’d do anything to help him. Said he owed no loyalty to the drug dealer his friend had become. Asked the drug dealer to come into the NA meeting with him, maybe the dealer could get back to being his childhood friend.”

“So did they both get clean?”

“No, despite what he said, the clean guy felt he owed his friend some loyalty, even if his friend was a dealer. He moved in with the dealer to try to get him to change his ways. They both OD’d three months later. This was before Narcan. They died.”

“Could you share a more depressing story, Ken?” Drivel asked, shaking his head.

 “Misplaced loyalty can get you in a lot of trouble,” I said. “Perjury, relapse, maybe even death. Be careful.”


Today I’ll beware of misplaced loyalty.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.


Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Wednesday, September 5, 2018

Well, Whaddya Know?
The next day the police arrived at work. Everyone was interviewed, except Jackie.  Apparently, they’d already had a long talk with her.

As the detective questioned me, I realized I knew less than I thought I did.  I didn’t think I knew enough to be much help to the defense or the prosecution if Jackie’s case went to court.  The detective told me he’d be in touch.

Over the years I’d seen how people got tripped up not knowing what they didn’t know.  Court-ordered to rehab, they arrived convinced they knew what addiction was, and they weren’t addicted. They were often quick to point out signs of other people’s addictions, not knowing they had the same problem. Thinking they knew more than they did, they resisted learning what they didn’t know.

“The trick,” I said to myself, “is to know what you know and learn what you don’t.”

Today I will look at what I know.

  
Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.


Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Tuesday, September 4, 2018

Red Light, Green Light, Go!
The next day I ran into a woman I’d met at my previous job.

“How’s your recovery going?” I asked.

“Today I feel like I’m jogging at a red light,” she said.

“I’m not sure I understand the connection to recovery.”

“If I keep jogging at a red light, I’m not getting anywhere, but it’s easier to move when the light changes.  Jogging at the red light is doing all the things that got me sober even if I don’t feel my life is getting better.  I know life will change, and I will move forward.  Besides, while I’m sober today my brain and body are healing on their own.”

Today I will jog at the red light.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose
Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/