Online

“That must have been a wild reception,” Bo said to me. “Were you still drinking then?”

I said, “Oh, I wasn’t at the wedding. I met Trevor much later. I’m just telling the story I heard.”

“Someday I’ll let you guys watch the video,” Trevor said. “The jackass wedding photographer recorded it all.”

I picked up my cellphone. “Aren’t you glad these weren’t around when we were drinking? I hate to think of what might have found its way to the internet.”

Today I’ll be grateful for all my drunken escapades that aren’t online.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Of Time, Patience, and Wedding Cakes

Billie sat back down. Trevor joined us. I asked about date night with his ex.

He smiled and said, “Better than I expected. She’s forgiven me for a lot.  Only problem is she wants to go slow and I want to go back to where we were twenty years ago. I want to do it now.”

“But time takes time,” Billie said.  “You have to be patient.” She looked at Bo, who smiled and her and reached for her hand.

I laughed. “Especially if you got drunk at your own wedding reception and threw cake at your guests.”

“What?” Bo asked. I told him the story.

“Trevor grabbed a piece of wedding cake to smoosh into his wife’s face. She said ‘don’t you dare,’ so he threw it at his best man. His best man laughed. A very drunk Trevor took this as a signal he should throw cake at all the groomsmen, his new father-in-law, his mother, the mother-of-the-bride, and the ring bearer. By the time his brother dragged him away, the wedding cake was a pile of crumbs and icing.”

Trevor looked away. “Well, she may never forgive me for that.”

Today I’ll remember time takes time.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

The EKGB

Billie brought her new boyfriend to the next Monday Knights meeting.  His name was Bo, and never ask him for his full name.

“She’s told you about her ex?”  Bo asked when Billie went for coffee.

“Slutdog,” I answered. “He was a piece of work."

“He was a piece of something.  Anyway, because of him she’s joined the EKGB.”

“The EKGB?” I asked.

“They use EKGs to check your heart. The KGB watched Russians’ every move.  Billie has joined the EKGB. She’s afraid of getting hurt again, so she’s always  watching for signs I’ve had a change of heart. Constantly reassuring her gets old.”

“You’d both be happier if she let the past go and enjoyed the moment without fearing the future.”

He nodded.  I thought the EKGB didn’t limit itself to romantic relationships. At times I’d been part of the EKGB, overly concerned with other people’s feelings toward me.  Time to resign from the EKGB and live in the moment, not worrying about how other people felt or reacted to me.

Today I’ll resign from the EKGB.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Help

As I was leaving for work, Dr. Deb said, “If you need help, ask for it. Don’t make your back worse trying to do something you shouldn’t.”

“Will do,” I said.

She shook her head. “I know you. For someone who made a career of helping people you have a hard time accepting help. Why is that?”

 “When I was drinking, especially when I was in school, I always needed help. I needed an extension on a paper.  I needed to borrow someone’s notes. I needed last minute tutoring because I hadn’t gone to half the classes. Now, I like being responsible, doing things myself, not needing help.”

 “You’re not being irresponsible when you have a legit reason to ask for help.” She laughed, “If you end up stuck in bed with back spasms, I’ll put on the Hallmark Channel, hide the remote, and make you watch chick flicks all day.”

 “God help me,” I whimpered.

Today I’ll accept help.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Creative People

After the morning presentation I drove three hours to an afternoon training at a college. On the way I listened to an audiobook.  The story was well-written, with vivid characters and jolting plot twists.  The ride passed quickly.

When I had gotten sober there were four TV networks.  They signed off at midnight or 1:00 a.m.  Like many people in early recovery I had trouble sleeping.  Many nights I paced my small apartment, with nothing to watch, too restless to read a book.

Now my choices in entertainment were endless. Creative people wrote stories for dozens of networks.  I could listen to podcasts, or surf the internet with its endless content.  Not all the diversions were good, but creative people had given me almost limitless options.

Today I’ll be grateful for creative people.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

I’m Going To Prison

I presented a training entitled “Suicide, Violence, Mental Illness, and Addiction” in a maximum security prison on a gloomy, rain-soaked day. I expected the mood to be somber. Could I have picked a more depressing topic?

The prison staff seemed to enjoy the presentation. People who worked difficult jobs in sometimes dangerous situations found things to laugh about. They enjoyed each other’s company.

I had been anxious about entering the prison, but after the presentation I wished I’d had time to talk to some of the prison staff. As I left for another training I thought, these folks refuse to let anything bring them down.

Today I won’t let anything bring me down.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

FEAR: Face Everything And Recover

The next day I was scheduled to present a training on suicide in a prison. I could feel the tension in my jaw and temples as my anxiety rose.

During my drinking days I rolled a car over on a busy highway and was trapped inside upside down for what seemed like forever. Ever since then I hadn’t liked being anywhere I couldn’t leave. This included planes, boats, even trains. I wasn’t looking forward to training somewhere where I didn’t have the keys.

Someone wiser then I am pointed out the obvious, freedom lives on the other side of fear. The times I’d given into my fear, I’d always regretted. The times I’d pushed through I’d always been rewarded.

Today I will face my fears.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

What Do You Know?
After the meeting I asked Cara if she was OK. She held up the 24hour keytag. “I’ve traded my fifteen years clean for this piece of plastic. This is the third 24hour tag I’ve gotten in the last year.”

“I know it sucks,” I said. “But you still know what you know.”

“What would that be? What the hell do I know?”

“You know you can stay sober. You know the rewards. You know people who want to help you.”

Cara smiled, just a little at the corners of her mouth. “Oh, what do you know?”

“I know knowing is like a flashlight that lets you see in dark times. I knew when I hit bottom there was a way out. I knew I didn’t want to be the person I’d become. I knew it was going to be hard.”

To my surprise, Cara agreed with me. “Sometimes knowing comes before accepting, or doing,” she said with a sigh.

Today I’ll be grateful for what I know.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Solvent

Cara stumbled in.  I’d never seen her so worn down. “You sober?” I asked.

“I am,” she said, saying nothing more.  Later in the meeting, the chairman asked if anyone had made it through their first 24 hours sober. Cara and another woman got their white keytags. 

Alcohol is a solvent. For some it only dissolves tension and a little inhibition.  For others, alcohol is harsher. Looking at Cara, I realized it had removed a layer of arrogance. Alcohol had also taken away her energy, eaten away at her marriage, and dissolved much of the good will she’d built up over all the years she’d been sober.

Today I’ll remember alcohol is a solvent.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

“We could never reach a star without you, Zero, my hero, how wonderful you are.”  Schoolhouse Rock

The next day I saw a meme that said zero was a portal from negative to positive. I thought it applied to so much.

People passed from the negatives of addiction to the positives of recovery when they had zero contact with whatever they were addicted to.  Having zero contact with a negative person was the best way to transition into a positive relationship with someone else.  Zero was the best number of cigarettes to smoke for people trying to get healthy. Spending zero time living in the past was the best way to make the most of the present.

Today I’ll celebrate zero.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Back on the Horse

“Are you going to ride in the tour next year?” Brat Boy asked.

“I’m going to try to do a 62 miler on my own before winter,” I said.

“Why not wait?”

“Because the longer I wait, the more time this failure has to percolate. The sooner I get going the more likely I am to do it.”

“Get right back on the horse, get right back on the bike.”

I said, “Exactly, I’ve seen people relapse, feel crushed, and drink more to deal with that feeling. They have a much harder time getting started on their recovery again.”

Today I’ll get right back to it.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Ego

Brat Boy asked me about the bike tour.

I said, “I started out at a reasonable pace, but hated seeing people pass me. I started passing them.”

“You made it a race,” Brat Boy said.

“There were snack/Gatorade stations every ten miles, and at the thirty-one mile turnaround. Three people hit the turnaround before me. Ten had stopped to fuel up.”

“You didn’t stop so you’d only have three people to catch,” Brat Boy guessed.

“Right. By this time I hadn’t eaten in four hours. I’d pedaled mostly uphill for two.  I’m hungry and thirsty. I drank half a bottle of Gatorade and kept going.

“At mile forty I slowed down. People started passing me. I gulped the rest of my Gatorade, pedaled past the station.

“Five miles later I almost fell off my bike. My whole body shook. Drenched in sweat. I barely made it to the next station. I guzzled Gatorade and ate a peanut butter sandwich.  I threw up.  Got a ride back to my car.”

“Why didn’t you stop sooner?” Brat Boy asked.

“My ego wouldn’t let me.  Couldn’t admit I needed to rest and refuel. I was like the guy too busy to save his marriage or go to rehab. Ego driven off a cliff. ”

Today I’ll beware my own ego.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Sleep

It was a little after 4:00 a.m. when the dog trotted back upstairs. “OK, go back to sleep, you miserable mutt,” I muttered.  She turned to look at me, wagging her tail.  “Smartass.”

I was up, so I got a cup of coffee, slumped into the Daddy Chair, and opened my laptop.  Four hours later Dr. Deb woke me up by kissing my forehead and asking me if I wanted a bagel.

At first I wasn’t happy, thinking I’d wasted four quiet hours, a gift for a writer. Then a wave of gratitude washed over me.  Sleep was the gift.

Sleep is free. Sleep clears your head. You can’t drink in your sleep. You can’t eat too much in your sleep. You can’t argue with someone in your sleep. Not being able to sleep is hell, but falling asleep on a couch or chair is heaven. Dreams are movies starring you.

Today I’ll be grateful for sleep.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

In the Company of Peacock Bass and Piranha

The Youngstown Kid was saying something about the church he wanted to start. In my mind we were fishing a beautiful South American river.  I imagine The Kid saying he’s going for a swim. Our guide shakes his head, “Piranha.”

The Youngstown Kid insists there are no piranha this far south.  He wades in up to his neck, then disappears as the water boils with teeth and fins.

“Will the blood attract other fish?” I ask the guide.

“Si,” the guide says, offering me a sandwich from the cooler. “Peacock bass will come.”

Even though he’s a figment of my imagination, I enjoy the guide’s company. 

“So,” The Kid says in a serious tone, “I’ll need you to write the Meta Bible by combining all the holy writings of the major religions.”  Back to reality.

“There’s something I have to write first,” I said. In my head I started a list of all the people whose company I enjoyed.

Today I’ll be grateful for all the people whose company I enjoy.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Patience

Two days later The Youngstown Kid picked me up to plant signs for Roger. He drove because people said he was the safest driver they knew. As I got into his vintage Mustang, he explained why car buffs thought that particular model year was the best Ford every made.

As he rambled on and on, I found myself being less and less annoyed. I put myself in his narcissistic shoes for a moment. Pity washed over me as I imagined what it would be like to be The Kid.  I was sure people avoided him, I’d seen them do it. I avoided him when I could. 

The Youngstown Kid believed he was special in many ways. Yet, he lived a very ordinary life. I wondered if he saw the world as aligned against him, threatened by his imagined greatness, holding him back.  How frustrating that would be.

Understanding The Kid didn’t make being around him any easier.  It did make me a little more patient, knowing he had his own cross to bear. 

Today I’ll try to be a little more patient with people.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

I Make Me So Mad

“By the way,” Roger said, “The Youngstown Kid offered to help with the campaign.”

I shook my head, “No he didn’t. He offered to run the campaign.”

Roger read my expression and asked why I had such a strong reaction. “The Kid is harmless, and he wants to help.”

“He’s a narcissist. Even when I was a therapist, I never liked dealing with narcissism.  Listening to someone brag gets old fast.”

“And public praise makes you uncomfortable. I’ve seen you squirm when you get a compliment.  Ever think some of your issue with The Youngstown Kid comes from your issues?”

“Maybe,” I said, knowing he was right.

Today I’ll look at my issues with someone to see if they’re not just my issues.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Uphill Battles

Roger called to see if I’d help him put up signs for his school board campaign.

“It’s gonna be an uphill battle,” Roger said.  “People will need to be convinced I’m not the bad guy I used to be.”

I said, “You know that steep hill in my backyard? I cut it up and down instead of side to side.”

“Don’t know what that has to do with the school board, and isn’t that a little dangerous?” Roger asked.

“You sound like Blondie. Maybe a little, but it’s a tremendous workout.  Pushing my mower uphill when the bag is full really builds leg strength.  Doing well in a tough election against a smart opponent could build your political strength.”

“Maybe, but I wouldn’t mind an easy victory over a stupid opponent,” Roger said, smiling.

Today I’ll be grateful for uphill battles.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Charge

“OK,” Blondie said, “You can do your bike ride, but I don’t see why you can’t just go to the gym. They have stationary bikes that don’t move into the way of other bikes and traffic.”

I held up my phone. “Every couple of days I recharge this.  If I keep the phone long enough the battery won’t hold a charge. If that happens I will get a new battery and recharge it.

“I want to recharge my batteries when I’m worn down.  When the old ways of recharging my batteries don’t work, I want to find something new. Going to the gym was the old way. Long distance biking is a whole new battery.”

Brat Boy said to Blondie, “So his point is when something’s old and run down, and has no energy, and the screen’s all cracked and lined and looks dated, don’t throw it away.” He gestured toward me, I jabbed his forearm with my fork.

“Treat yourself as well as you’d treat your phone,” I said. “That’s the point.”

Today I’ll treat myself as well as I treat my phone.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Eating Bugs

The next day was Sunday.  Brat Boy and Blondie came home for dinner.  “So, are you going to do the metric century race?” Blondie asked.

“What’s a metric century?” Brat Boy asked.

“It’s a bike ride,” I said. “One hundred kilometers, about 62 miles.”  

“Oh, that sounds like a good time,” Brat Boy said, laughing. “Six hours on a metal bike seat, hunched over, eating bugs that fly into your mouth as you gasp for breath.”

I laughed too. “I think I can do it in four hours. There’s a little padding on the seat, and the bugs are tiny, you hardly notice you’re eating them.  Besides, it’s something new. Been awhile since I tried something new.”

Blondie looked skeptical.  I said, “Listen, we see people at the rehab who tried every drug under the sun but won’t try anything new once they get sober.  They’re bored, and they struggle to stay clean.”

Brat Boy got it. “When one door closes, you don’t sit down and lean against it, you look for an open door.”

Today I will look for a new door to open.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com 

Time to Change

“Where is Trevor?” Sam asked.

“Date night,” I said. “He’s taking his ex-wife to dinner.”

“You’re kidding, right? She used to hate him.  I guess time really does heal all wounds.”

“I don’t know about that. I do believe time and change go a long way to healing most wounds.”

Sam thought for a moment before saying, “It’s not just changing. It’s growing, growing up.  Trevor was a little drunk boy playing cop when he got kicked off the force. He’s a better man now.”

Today I’ll let time pass as I try to grow.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/