Monday, March 16th, 2020

Rehearsal

“How are you holding up?” I asked Jill.

She smiled. “All of KC’s girlfriend’s drama reminded me of something my high school theater teacher used to say, ‘no day is a rehearsal.’”

“Meaning what?”

“Meaning focus on today. It’s just as important as some future day.”

“What about the days when you were actually rehearsing?”

“Treat the rehearsal like you would the play.  Give it your full effort and attention. I am focused on getting through the days. I think happier days are coming, but I’m still pushing myself a little to get the most of today.”

Today I’ll remember no day is a rehearsal.

2020 Vision ©2017 & 2018 by Ken Montrose

2020 Vision is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Monday, March 16^th, 2020

Don’t Go With The Flow

On Monday I picked up the phone to call Jack, forgetting for an instant he was gone. I dialed his number anyway to see how Jill was holding up. She sounded upbeat.

“I’m still crying,” she said “but I’m glad KC has come to his senses. He’s not leaving school and he’s not marrying that girl. He saw where the flow goes.”

“Not sure I understand,” I said.

“A lot of peer pressure isn’t pressure at all. It’s flow. Jack started doing drugs because everyone else was. Nobody twisted his arm, he just started going with the flow. He didn’t see he was gonna end up like his father.”

“What about KC?” I asked.

“Same thing. KC just went along with this girl because she’s beautiful. And they were having sex. A lot.  He finally saw where this relationship was going. The girl made Jack’s death all about her, all about drama. Her mother is all about drama, so is her sister.  Her father is the stage crew, cleaning up after each performance. KC didn’t want his life to flow into that.”

Today I won’t go with the flow unless I know where the flow goes.

2020 Vision ©2017 & 2018 by Ken Montrose

2020 Vision is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Saturday, March 14^th, 2020

Complimentary

After the meeting I sat with MaryJo and Rudy as we finished our coffee.

“You look good,” Rudy said to MaryJo. “Don’t kick me for saying this, but you put on a few pounds.”

She laughed. “Ordinarily, I would kick you Rudy, but I needed to put on some weight. And call me vain, but I really wanted to hear that from someone.  You made my night.”

“Speaking of making someone’s night, did you and the new boyfriend…?” Rudy trailed off, which is when MaryJo kicked him.

Today I will compliment someone.

2020 Vision ©2017 & 2018 by Ken Montrose

2020 Vision is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Saturday, March 14^th, 2020

Change the Sea of Bee, or Something Like That

The speaker said, “See the change you want to be.” I thought he had mangled the quote from Gandhi,

‘Be the change you want to see in the world.’

He explained, “I heard what Gandhi said, thought about it, and realized I didn’t know what I wanted to change.  I just didn’t want things to be the same. I had to look at things a little different before I saw it.

“I saw myself as a social drinker, who drank alone, which isn’t very social. I had to see how social drinkers were different.  Made me realize I wasn’t one of them.

“I thought non-drinkers had no fun. Until I saw them having lots of fun. I wanted to be one of them, so maybe other people like me could see life doesn’t end when the drinking does.

“I’ve seen the change I want to be. I want the world to have more sober, happy, fools. That’s what I’ve become, and I’m proud of it.”

Today I will see the change I want to become.

2020 Vision ©2017 & 2018 by Ken Montrose

2020 Vision is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Monday, March 16^th, 2020

Life on Life’s Terms

Phil sat down next to me. Watching him ease himself into the chair was itself painful.

“I heard you need another operation,” I said. “That sucks.”

“You know the slogan, ‘life on Life’s terms.’ No use fighting it.”

“Still, two tours of Iraq and you don’t get a scratch. Swerve to miss a groundhog and end up needing one surgery after another.”

He put his hand on my shoulder and smiled. “I had the best omelet this morning. And pancakes. And bacon. Really good coffee.  Life’s terms were pretty good today.  You won’t hear me complaining when they’re a little harder.”

I reminded myself to be grateful when life’s terms were good.

Today I’ll be grateful for ‘Life on Life’s terms.’  

2020 Vision ©2017 & 2018 by Ken Montrose

2020 Vision is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Saturday, March 14^th, 2020

Resentments, *&#)##@%@@!!! Resentments

As were talking, I got a text from Luke.  He’d found a publisher for his book about Confederate Civil War veterans sinking the Titanic. He attached the cover art - a muscular young man with six pack abs looking through a periscope.

I showed Rudy the text and the attachment. He laughed until he saw my face. I said, “It’s the dumbest conspiracy theory ever, with an abs-hole on the cover.”

“Be happy for him,” Rudy advised. “You know how they say a flower doesn’t compete with other flowers, it just blooms. He’s a crazy flower blooming in an insane time. Your time will come.”

“Sure, a flower blooms.  Looks great.  Until you chop it up with a weed whacker, stomp on the pieces, set them on fire, and let the dog pee on the ashes.”

“Resentments,” Rudy said. “Resentments kill your peace of mind and lead you to doing things just as stupid as the stuff you did when you were still drinking.  I would know. I set my brother’s car on fire.”

He was right of course. I texted, “Congrats!” to Luke, muttering under my breath.

Today I’ll let go of resentment.

2020 Vision ©2017 & 2018 by Ken Montrose

2020 Vision is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

I apologize if you're getting this message a second time. Some people got it and others did not the first time I posted. 

Saturday, March 14^th, 2020

Fearful Thoughts

Rudy and MaryJo walked in, and gave their condolences to Jill.  Jill wiped away another tear, and said to MaryJo, “On a happier note, how was it?” They walked away toward the coffee and donuts.

“How was what?” I asked Rudy.

“Do you remember the guy she went out with?” Rudy asked. “The one she said was nice, but she wasn’t ready to date?” I nodded. “Well, they had another date. Dinner and a movie.”

“How’d that happen?” I asked.

“He called. She decided ‘I’m not ready’ was just something she told herself because she was afraid of losing someone again. They went out and had a great time.”

  

“Gotta beware of anything you tell yourself when you’re scared,” I said.

Today I’ll be skeptical of anything I tell myself when I’m afraid.

2020 Vision ©2017 & 2018 by Ken Montrose

2020 Vision is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Fearful Thoughts Revised

Saturday, March 14^th, 2020

Fearful Thoughts

Rudy and MaryJo walked in, and gave their condolences to Jill.  Jill wiped away another tear, and said to MaryJo, “On a happier note, how was it?” They walked away toward the coffee and donuts.

“How was what?” I asked Rudy.

“Do you remember the guy she went out with?” Rudy asked. “The one she said was nice, but she wasn’t ready to date?” I nodded. “Well, they had another date. Dinner and a movie.”

“How’d that happen?” I asked.

“He called. She decided ‘I’m not ready’ was just something she told herself because she was afraid of losing someone again. They went out and had a great time.”

  

“Gotta beware of anything you tell yourself when you’re scared,” I said.

Today I’ll be skeptical of anything I tell myself when I’m afraid.

2020 Vision ©2017 & 2018 by Ken Montrose

2020 Vision is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Happy Presidents Day!

Saturday, March 14^th, 2020

Uncertainty

I was surprised to see Jill, Jack’s widow, at the AA meeting. She said she wanted to talk to some of his friends.

“Jack took out a life insurance policy,” Jill said. “About three months ago – near the time he relapsed. Do you think he was planning to OD?”

“It was the embolism that killed him,” I said. “He didn’t plan that.”

“Technicality,” she said, choking up. “The insurance company can’t call it a suicide, but was it?”

I wanted to say absolutely not, but we both knew I couldn’t be certain.  They called addiction ‘suicide on the installment plan’ for a reason. People recovering from heroin addiction had told me not all ODs were accidental.

“I don’t know for sure, but I don’t think so,” I said, wishing I could be more certain, more reassuring.

“I don’t know either,” Jill said, wiping her tears. “I have to accept not knowing, and move on. Won’t be easy.”

Today I will accept life can be uncertain.

2020 Vision ©2017 & 2018 by Ken Montrose

2020 Vision is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Thursday, March 12^th, 2020

AWOL

The next morning I dropped my phone into the toilet. It turned out to be the high point of my day.

Toward the end of my drinking career, I would go absent from the world. I’d buy a bottle on the way home from work.  Sitting on my bed, I’d drink until I no longer cared about the downward spiral of my life.

After I got sober, I re-discovered daydreaming. I’d set aside five minutes to shut my eyes and go fishing. Later I learned mindfulness exercises that relaxed my mind and body, at least for a little while. That day I shut my office door and went absent without liquor –AWOL- for ten minutes. The mindfulness and daydreaming made a world of difference.

Today I will go AWOL.

2020 Vision ©2017 & 2018 by Ken Montrose

2020 Vision is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

March 11^th, 2020

Make Your Bed

“Can’t get over the fact he’s sleeping in the jail tonight,” Rudy said. “My stepbrother – unbelievable. What are the beds like in jail?”

I said, “In most of the county jails around here, the ‘mattress’ is thinner than a futon and rolled out over a steel shelf. They tell me it takes some getting used to.”

Rudy sighed, “Nothing’s better than your own bed.”

I knew that wasn’t always true. Sometimes addiction opened the bedroom door, sometimes it slipped under the covers, turning the night darker.

A friend told me when she was a little girl, she slept with a chair wedged against her bedroom door. Her addicted mother had an endless line of boyfriends who stayed over. Too often they knocked on her door in the middle of the night. As a teenager, she’d developed her own addiction to Xanax™ and alcohol while battling insomnia.

A couple I’d seen for counseling slept back to back, secretly stewing in their resentments. He resented her drinking a bottle of wine every night. She resented his porn habit. They pretended they weren’t really furious, that their marriage just needed ‘a little tune up.’  They balked at the idea they both needed to deal with their addictions.

Later that night I slipped under the covers with a woman I loved, who’d never seen me drunk, feeling grateful I’d kept addiction out of my bed.

Today I’ll be grateful for the bed I’ve made.

2020 Vision ©2017 & 2018 by Ken Montrose

2020 Vision is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Wednesday, March 11^th, 2020

Do People Change?

“Do you think people change?” Rudy asked. “I mean people who didn’t drink or do drugs. You can stop doing drugs, but can you change who you are? Do you think my stepbrother can become an honest guy?”

“Don’t know about your stepbrother, but I think people do change,” I said.

“I’m not so sure. If a born liar stops telling lies, isn’t he still a liar at heart?”

I thought for a moment. A lot of famous people who made profound changes came to mind, but I thought of a better example.“Ever see ‘Attila the Mom’ turn into ‘Grandma’?” I asked. “The terror with the wooden spoon becomes the nice lady baking cookies. There’s a big change that has nothing to do with sobriety.” 

“Good point,” Rudy said, laughing.

Today I know people can change.

2020 Vision ©2017 & 2018 by Ken Montrose

2020 Vision is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Wednesday, March 11^th, 2020

Pride and Persistence

Rudy called me to ask me what I thought about celebrating recovery anniversaries. He’d been told being proud of your clean time was a step toward relapse.

I said, “My first sponsor said have a little pride, but don’t let up, persist. Whatever kept you sober, keep doing. I think that’s what you take pride in, not how long you’ve been sober, but how you kept at it.”

“I dunno,” he said. “My dad used to say…”

I interrupted him, thinking whatever that tyrant had said, it wasn’t likely to be positive. “If I was in your shoes, you know what I’d proud of?  You never let your dad or stepbrother drive you out of the business. You kept at it. Pride yourself on that persistence.”

Today I’ll pride myself on persistence.

2020 Vision ©2017 & 2018 by Ken Montrose

2020 Vision is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Tuesday, March 10^th, 2020

Ring

I turned on the TV just in time to hear Rudy’s stepbrother had been charged with several crimes. The anchorman said four other people had been arrested as police broke up “a local coke ring.”

It made me think of the worst characteristics of the rings I belonged to: Montroses, a ring of really tall, really bad singers.  Recovering people, a ring of folks with serious donut and coffee issues. Class of ’79, a ring of people who graduated high school a long, long, time ago. Bearcats, a ring of people with only a vague idea of what their mascot, the bearcat, might be. The list went on, but none of my rings would ever be broken up by the police. Many of my clients hadn’t been able to say that, and the fear had given them one more reason to get high.

Today I’ll be grateful I’m part of rings nobody wants to break up.

2020 Vision ©2017 & 2018 by Ken Montrose

2020 Vision is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Tuesday, March 10^th, 2020

Core

The next day I went to the gym. After a series of sit ups and ab crunches, I walked over to the back machine. “You suck,” I said to the machine.

I could never decide what I hated more – working my back or working my abs. Years earlier my physical therapist had told me some of my back pain came from having a weak core. “If you strengthen your lower body and your upper body, but not your middle, the weakness in you core will give you problems.”

When I got home from the gym, I told my wife I loved her, and texted the same to Blondie and Brat Boy. I read a little, wrote a gratitude list, and found five quiet minutes just to breathe.  I had learned if you build up your wealth, and acquire things, but don’t take care of your core values, you have problems.

Today I will strengthen my core.

2020 Vision ©2017 & 2018 by Ken Montrose

2020 Vision is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Monday, March 9^th, 2020

Possibilities

“How’s Jill holding up?” Blondie asked.

“I think she’s in shock,” I said. “I doubt she thought it was possible for Jack to relapse. He’d been clean over twenty years. Certainly she didn’t think he’d be dead before he turned 45.”

“How long have you been sober?”

“Over thirty years. When I was still drinking, I didn’t think it was possible for me to quit longer than a couple weeks. Along the way I’ve been amazed at what else is possible if you don’t give in to your addiction.”

“Anything’s possible,” Blondie said. “Good things and bad things.”

“Not anything,” I said. “Your mother and I couldn’t possibly love you and your brother any more than we do.”

“Awww Daddy, love you,” Blondie said. She laughed and added, “And you don’t have to pretend to love Brat Boy. I know that’s almost impossible”

“Good night kiddo,” I said, smiling as I ended the call.

Today I’ll remember anything is possible.

2020 Vision ©2017 & 2018 by Ken Montrose

2020 Vision is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Monday, March 9^th, 2020

The Funny Side of Scorpions

Later that night Blondie called me to say the office in Bleak, New Mexico had burned.  The floors above ground where destroyed by fire, while the underground offices were flooded. She didn’t know what would happen next, whether she’d be trained somewhere else or let go.

“You seem upbeat for someone who might lose her job,” I said.

“It’s my boss. He never loses his sense of humor. He bought us scorpion for lunch.”

“Scorpion?”

“Daddy, not real scorpion. He took us to a seafood restaurant, told us they were having a special on charred scorpion shipped in from Bleak. It was Lobster and crayfish.  I ordered a burger, he said it was coyote, and I could only get it well-done.”

“He had you guys laughing, even knowing your jobs were in jeopardy?” I asked.

She snorted. “He made a hundred bad puns about scorpions, and Bleak, and coyotes, and the desert. Tomorrow I’ll worry, but today I’m still laughing.”

Today I’ll keep my sense of humor.

2020 Vision ©2017 & 2018 by Ken Montrose

2020 Vision is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

           "There is a “carrot and stick” to opiates.  Imagine a jackass chasing a carrot dangled in front of him on a stick.  The animal will chase that carrot until he is exhausted, remembering the taste of the first carrot.

           "Now imagine that his master finally allows him to eat the carrot in the shade.  The carrot only satisfies his hunger for a few minutes.  In what seems like a moment, his master will be hitting him with a stick to get him moving again.  Soon his belly is rumbling, his sides hurt from the stick, and he knows he must get up to chase another carrot.

            "Opiates are the carrot and the stick.  The high, and the escape from pain, are the carrot.  Withdrawal and all the problems opiate addiction causes are the stick.  Addiction is the master.  Guess which role you play.  This workbook will help you stop." 

p. 2 Heroin, Oxycontin, and Other Opioids: Breaking your addiction to them  

Kindle version available free of charge this week at: https://www.amazon.com/Heroin-Oxycontin-Other-Opiates-addiction-ebook/dp/B00FYZXAJ4/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8

Monday, March 9^th, 2020

Echo

On Monday afternoon my heart sank a little just about the time I usually called Jack. Like an echo, I expected this feeling to return a little softer each Monday until it faded.  I accepted it, and as best I could, kept moving.

As painful as addiction can be, I’d seen so many people miss parts of the lifestyle. They listened for the echo of the first time they got high, or the times they didn’t get caught dealing, scamming, or stealing. Many relapsed before they learned the echoes fade if you accept them, and move on.

Today I’ll be grateful the echoes fade.

2020 Vision ©2017 & 2018 by Ken Montrose

2020 Vision is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Saturday, March 7, 2020

Freedom

“Is your stepbother going to jail?” I asked.

“Maybe,” Rudy said. “But he’s so scared, it’s like he’s already in jail. He’s lived a pretty extravagant lifestyle.  Whether he goes to jail or not, that’s all gonna end.”

“Will you be OK?” I asked.

“Better than OK.  It’s like I woke up to all the things I’m free to do, that I usually don’t. This morning I had a great workout. Sat in the steam room until I almost fell asleep.  Skipped the drive-through and hit the Chinese buffet I love. Ken, I even stopped for a massage.” He took a sip of coffee and added, “I was free to do those things all along, but I never did.  Maybe I thought I didn’t deserve it. Prison of my own making.”

“Glad you’re free,” I said.

Today I will exercise my freedom.

2020 Vision ©2017 & 2018 by Ken Montrose

2020 Vision is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/