38. Stronger?

Later that day Marjorie and talked about things that strengthen us.  She said, “My father abandoned my brother and me right after I was born. My mother remarried two years later.  My stepdad was wonderful.  He had two older boys my brother idolized.  They treated me like a princess. When I was twelve, one of my stepbrothers died of leukemia. The week I went to college my stepfather and my brother drowned in a boating accident.  My other stepbrother drifted away from us.  I haven’t heard from him in years.  During my senior year in college my mother and I were diagnosed with breast cancer a week apart.  The day after I graduated she pulled into the garage and left the motor running. Life kicked me. Now I know I’m stronger for it.  But back then, I wanted to kick Life back.”

“What do you mean by ‘kicking Life back’?” I asked.

“To show Life I wasn’t afraid, I put myself in jeopardy.  I drove drunk all the time.  I slept around, putting myself in dangerous situations with scary people. Now I have blank spaces in my memory and nightmares.  Images I’d rather forget. Guilt and shame.  Kicking myself to punish Life never made me any stronger.”

Today I will remember some things that don’t kill me don’t make me stronger,

especially things I’ve done to myself.

Sober Not Somber © 2015 by Ken Montrose

(Just a reminder: Sober Not Somber is a work of fiction.  Any resemblance to anyone you might know is purely coincidental.)