g-NAts: The entire series
Six months after all
the AArdvarks graduated from treatment, I was asked to run another group. At the
first meeting of this group I told them about the AArdvarks and how the first
two capitalized letters were a tribute to AA.
"Oh, I like
that," an extremely tan, older gentleman said. "But we should go with something that
starts with NA since most of us go to those meetings."
"Narwhal," a
middle-aged man named Mike said. I
pointed to the obvious mound of snuff in his lower lip and he left the room. I hoped he was getting rid of the snuff, and
not leaving treatment.
"What the hell is
a narwhal?" someone asked.
"How about
gnats?" a young man in a hoodie suggested.
"Gnats starts with
a silent 'g'," Tan Man said. I
thought the young man might be a little embarrassed, but he embraced his
mistake.
"Even
better," we can un-silent the g and be the g-NAts" The rest of the
group liked the idea and from that day forward called themselves the g-NAts."
Today I will try to embrace my mistakes and
make them into something positive.
Ridiculous
Mike, a huge man
wearing a camo t-shirt, walked back into the group room, a scowl on his
face. He pulled out his lower lip to
show me he had gotten rid of the tobacco.
"When I start smoking again, it's your fault!" he said.
"You were smoking
out front when I got here this morning," Tan Man said, chuckling.
Camo laughed, looked at
me, then back at Tan Man. "Still
his fault. I don't take no
responsibility for my actions. That's
what they told me at the inpatient place, and that's what I'm sticking
with! Hell, I ain't taking no
responsibility for taking no responsibility." He laughed again.
"At least you can
laugh at yourself," I said. "That's a start."
"I know I'm
ridiculous," he said. "It
keeps folks guessing."
Today I will laugh at my
own ridiculousness.
The Whole Truth
I went over the rules
with the group, covering the usual ground.
At the end, I added my own rule. "I will assume everything you say
is true, but I reserve the right to investigate what you are saying. If I find you're misleading the group by
leaving out crucial information, I will ask you to tell the whole story, or
leave group."
"Why would you do
that?" Tan Man asked.
"Years ago I had a
nurse complain bitterly about the politics at the hospital where she had
worked. She spent a lot of group time
exploring her feelings about her firing.
I learned from her family she had been stealing medications. I gave her the choice of coming clean with
the group or leaving. She refused and I
asked her not to return to group. She
was furious, threatened to sue me, the hospital where I worked, the company
that owned the hospital, and my mother. I
told her what I'm telling you now – the group is here to help you, but you have
to be willing to tell the whole story.
If the story is too painful for group, talk to me in private or get an
individual therapist."
"Still sounds a
little cold," Tan Man said
"Listen," I
said to the whole group, "telling me only the parts of your story that
make you look good, or paint you as the victim, is just a way to get sympathy.
Telling the whole story is how you get help."
Today I will ask myself:
am I looking for sympathy or help?
Better late than never
The next time we met, I
asked them to tell each other a little bit about themselves.
Tan Man told the group
his wife's dying wish was for him to stop drinking. "I made the arrangements when she was
near death," he said without a hint of emotion. "As it turned out, I was able to go
straight from her funeral to detox. When
my brother announced at the wake I had gone to rehab, my other brother said
'I'll drink to that.' A fight broke out between those relieved I was getting
sober and those who thought I'd betrayed family traditions by not hastening my
own death through cirrhosis, pancreatitis, or bleeding ulcers."
An elderly woman
sitting to his left put her hand on his forearm and said, "You did the
right thing. People who care more about
you than having a drinking buddy, will be happy for you."
"Better late than
never," the young man in the hoodie said.
"No offense, but your other brother needs his ass kicked."
Tan Man laughed, and
said, "better late than never for me, and for my other brother getting the
beat down he so richly deserves."
He paused for a minute or so, then added, "I take that back. I hope he gets sober. Better late than never for him too."
Today I will remember: better late than
never.
The Chase
Without any
introduction, the kid in the hoodie said, "I learned a new word when I was
down the inpatient. Self-loathing. No, see, it's two words. I'm so stupid. Lady down there said she never met nobody
with so much self-loathing.
"Do you think you
did drugs because you hate yourself?" Mike asked.
"No, I hate myself
because I did drugs, not the other way 'round.
I loved myself once upon a time.
I'm off the charts good with math, and I know I'm only talking like a
low-life because that's who I hang around with.
When I was a sophomore I had offers for wrestling and academic
scholarships to some big name schools.
First time I got high I fell so in love with the feeling I knew the next
day my life was over. I woke up at noon,
said I would never do that again, and was high before dinner. I dropped out of
school my junior year to be a drug dealer. I love drugs and I hate myself for loving 'em
so much."
"I don't think
you're the only one here who likes drugs," I said.
"You don't like
drugs, or you wouldn't be runnin' the group," he said. "Even if you
were addicted to something, you don't like it any more."
"I like
booze. I think I was born with a taste
for it. I don't beat myself up for
liking booze, but I avoid it. I haven't
had a drink in almost twenty-five years because I don't like the man I am when
I drink."
"You gotta be
miserable if you like booze and you don't drink."
"No, I'm very
happy. I like a lot of things, but I'm
careful about which ones I pursue. I
don't chase booze, but I seek out the best life possible for my family. I work on my career. I try to be useful and grateful. It keeps me smiling and moving. I hope you
can let go of some of that self-loathing and chase something a little more
rewarding."
Today I will chase something rewarding. I will accept not pursuing everything I like.
Scared straight
"You don't
remember me, but we've met," the well-dressed, elderly woman said. "Sarah was my sponsor. We met once in the lobby of the hospital
where she died."
"You're
Violet," I said, a little embarrassed.
"Now I remember you. Sarah
was so happy for you because your son and his family were moving into your
neighborhood. What happened?"
"I missed Sarah
even more than I thought I would. I
started drinking a little wine at dinner.
My son and his wife encouraged me. They'd say I'd earned it after spending all
day with the grandchildren. I don't
think they understood why drinking was such a bad idea for me.
Tan Man said, "I'm
impressed you’re here. It must have been
so tempting just to sink into a chair and drink away your final years. Sounds like your son and daughter-in-law
would have taken care of you."
"That's what I'd
do if I was your age," Hoodie said.
"And that's what
scared me into going to rehab. I'm not
going to die in some armchair, pickled in wine and gin! No sir!" she said
with such force she startled the other group members.
Today I will be grateful for whatever scares
me into action.
Dark Roads
"I remember what
you said last time about the whole story, so here goes," Barb, a 55 year
old redhead said. In hindsight, I would
have cautioned her about sharing so much so soon.
She spoke slowly at
first, but picked up speed as she went on.
"In my little town the local pharmacy delivers. I had gotten another prescription for
Vicodin, and somehow the kid who delivered it knew something was up. He said, if I ever had a problem getting
these he could smooth things out with the pharmacist, and he gave me his cell
phone number and I said thanks, but I was sure I wouldn't need it, and I thought I'd just throw it away when he was
gone, but I couldn't and about three months later the pharmacist told me I
couldn't get my prescription filled early, and the other pharmacy told me the
same thing, and I called my doctors and none of them could help me, but the one
said I should come in to talk, and I knew, I knew, they wanted to talk about
getting off the pain medications, and I was just feeling worse and worse and I
remembered that kid's number and I called and I hung up and I called and I hung
up and he called me and when I told him who I was he was so nice, he was so
nice. He said it wasn't my fault that I
was in pain and the doc and the pharmacist weren't to blame either they had to
follow the government's rules and nobody really was to blame because the
government had to make rules to deal with real addicts not people like me and
he said he could get me something, but I had to pay cash and the pharmacist
would give me samples in an unmarked bottle but because of the government rules
this would be something only the pharmacist and he would know about and I
believed him! "
She wiped her eyes with
a tissue, paused for a moment, then continued at a much slower pace. I thought recalling the first part of her
story was like reliving the injury, but the next part was her being in shock.
"I paid him cash
from our vacation fund, then from our house account, the two accounts in my
name. When I started dipping into our
savings my husband asked me why, and I knew I couldn't get more money there. I tried to quit on my own but I got so
sick. I called the kid and asked him if
I could have some pills on credit, until my husband put his bonus check in the
vacation account. He said he'd be over
and we could work something out. When he
came over he was like a different person.
He called me names and told me next time I better have cash the kid held
up the pill bottle and told me to put my elbows on the table. When he was done he put the bottle on the
table, told me this was a one-time deal because he felt sorry for me. This punk felt sorry for me! My husband is an
attorney. I live in a beautiful
home. I drive a Lexus." She trailed
off into muffled sobs.
Today I will remember dark roads lead to dark
places no matter who travels them.
Means to an end
The group comforted
Barb as best they could, but she was clearly struggling. We eventually moved on to Bob, a middle-aged
black man going gray at the temples. He
had a wide smile and a salesman's upbeat demeanor.
Bob owned three quick
oil change franchises that also sold tires and batteries. He had three months
clean and sober, but still had traces of THC in his urine. He couldn't be released from treatment, per a
court order, until he was completely drug free.
"You know what's
funny?" Bob asked the group. "I hate tires, batteries, and cars. I
hate all three garages, I really do. Six months ago, if I didn't have my buzz
on, I didn't want to go to work."
"But now you like
going to work?" Hoodie asked.
Bob laughed. "Hell
no! But I like what I can do with the money I make. Last week I had a home theater system put
in. Big plushy chair, huge screen, eight
speakers, even a popcorn machine. I
don't even know what I used to do with my money, but now I'm having a good time
with it."
Today I will accept some things are a means
to an end.
I will enjoy those ends as much as possible.
Quack, quack
"How about
you?" I said to the young woman sitting to my right. She had her hair back in a ponytail, was
wearing a Hofstra University t-shirt and faded jeans. Wendy embodied the girl next door, especially
if your neighbor was a drug dealer.
"Hi, I'm
Wendy," she said. The group waited.
"That's all I have to say."
"Could you tell
the group a little bit about why you’re here?" I suggested.
Wendy shifted in her
seat, then smiled. "Big
misunderstanding. I ran a red light
while I was helping my old boyfriend move.
Some of his stuff got me arrested.
I got house arrest and court-ordered to treatment because I might have
been a little high that day."
"Cops," Mike
said in a tone that suggested he too thought he had been misunderstood by law enforcement.
"Men," Violet
added, smiling at Wendy.
"Duckling,"
Hoodie said to Wendy. Everyone stared at
Hoodie for a couple of seconds, wondering just what he was trying to say. "You know, if it walks like a duck,
quacks like a duck, it's a duck? Well maybe she's not a full grown duck yet,
but she's a duckling. Her old boyfriend
is the dealer, but she helps out."
After a lot of back and
forth between Hoodie and Wendy, she admitted, "I just drop stuff off, I never
take money."
"Ducklings don't
fly, but they sure as hell grow into ducks that do," Hoodie said.
Today I will remember what I'm doing now says
a lot about who I'll become.
Got a problem with that?
The last person to
introduce himself was Calvin. Calvin, a
thirty-three year old with a master's degree in bio-engineering, loved his job
with a company that made artificial knees.
He loved working with the surgeons.
He especially loved working in the hospitals affiliated with the
University of Pittsburgh Medical Center because of their close proximity to one
another, and to college bars.
"I know what my
problem is," he said with a look of absolute certainty.
"Two DUIs in two
years would indicate a pretty serious drinking problem," I said thinking
the answer was fairly obvious.
"No!" he said
laughing. "The DUIs are just a symptom.
Sheesh, Ken how long have you been doin' this? The real problem is it's time for me to move
on. I'm thirty-three. I got my masters from Pitt eight years ago. It's time for me to grow up and drink in
grown-up bars. It's time for me to drink
like a grown-up and call a cab when I've had too many."
The group tried to
convince him his choice of bars wasn't his real problem, but he wouldn't
budge.
"We have our work
cut out for us," I said.
Today I will remember focusing
on the wrong problem can be more of a problem than not seeing any problem.
Do you see what I see?
The next time we met
Tan Man said he wished he had quit drinking when he was Hoodie's age. He asked Hoodie what prompted him to come to
treatment so young.
"My baby's momma's
momma wants me to be more with the baby.
I don't want to be around the kid if I'm high."
"You are so
responsible," Wendy said, clearly impressed. "That's such a great
reason to get clean."
"If I was
responsible, my girlfriend and me wouldn't have gotten hooked and we wouldn't
have a kid," Hoodie said, staring at his shoes. "My mom wants me to
be more involved too. I don't know
why."
"When I was much
younger," Violet said smiling at Hoodie, "I was in a dance company. There were girls there who I thought were
prettier or better dancers. I sang a
little but I didn't like my voice. One
of the other dancers saw something in me I didn't see in myself and pushed me
to audition for a Broadway play. To my
amazement, I got the part. Maybe your child's grandmothers see something
in you that you don't see in yourself."
Today I will be grateful for people who push
me.
They may be seeing something in me I don't
see myself.
Ambrosia
"Whatever my
baby's momma's momma sees in me she don't see in my baby's momma," Hoodie
said. A long sad silence drifted over the group. I thought people might be looking for
something supportive to say to Hoodie, but not knowing him well, couldn't think
of anything heartfelt or convincing.
"Could we assign
some names to these folks?" Mike asked, breaking the silence. "'Cause I'm gonna be real confused if
you start talking about your baby's momma's momma's man."
"My baby's momma
is Nora. Her mom is Kitty. Her dad is Matt. My mom is Michelle. We named the baby Ambrosia, but everyone
calls her Amber."
"Let's get back to
what you said earlier," I said.
"What's up with Nora and Kitty?"
"Kitty doesn't
want Nora anywhere near the baby. Says
that Nora isn't serious about getting clean, and Amber is better off without
Nora until Nora gets serious."
"What do you
think?" I asked.
"I love Nora. I loved Nora when we made the baby. I love Amber.
Seems like with all that love we ought to be able to be together."
Hoodie said. His gaze returned to his
shoes.
Tan Man said,
"Love conquers all, at least according to ancient Roman poet Virgil."
"Sometimes love
just ain't enough, least according to the 70's singer Patti Smith," Mike
said. "Sorry kid," he said
directly to Hoodie.
"Combine them and
you get 'sometimes love conquers all'," I said, "but love ain't
enough to conquer both your addictions all at once. You're going to have to be work hard and be
patient."
Today I will remember to be patient, that even love doesn't
conquer all at once.
Promises, promises
"Hey Hoodie,"
Mike said, "I got a little girl too.
Only she's not so little anymore – she's twenty. I told her I'd find the money for her to go
to college if she got good grades in high school."
"Did she?" Hoodie
asked.
"Mostly, but
here's the thing. She had some kind of
trouble reading. Nothing came easy for
her. She worked hard. When she graduated, I told her to give me
another year to raise some money. The next year I asked her to do the same,
saying I had almost enough. Truth is I
drank and gambled away whatever I had."
"Why doesn't she
work her way through college?" Tan Man asked. "I did."
"She needs extra
time to study 'cause of her reading problem.
If she works, she won't get the time she needs," Mike said. "She can borrow some money, but not enough."
"Did you get sober
so you could keep your promise to your little girl?" Calvin asked.
"I did. Out of the blue she said she knew where the
money went. She told me if she could get
through high school, I could stop drinking.
I told her I would if she'd give me more time to keep my promise to
her."
"And live up to
your own promise," Tan Man said.
"Huh?" Mike
asked.
"Promise also
means what you are capable of. You are
going to be the good man you were meant to be."
Today I will be grateful for second chances
to keep promises, and live up to my own promise.
Letting go, balance, and potential
"Do you ever think
not doing everything you're capable of is a better way to go?" Bob asked
the group. Are there times when you're
better off not doing everything you're capable of? Maybe not living up to your promise?"
"Is there
something specific you want to tell the group?" I asked.
"Three established
oil change franchises are up for sale on in the Pittsburgh area. My friend at company headquarters said they'd
like me to take 'em over. They'd make me a special deal on the financing. I know I could run them, but I'm not sure I
want to. But if I don't, it might feel
like I'm not doing what I'm capable of."
"I used to coach
football," Mike said. "You
only got so much time to practice. If
you spend all your time practicing defense, you'll live up to your defensive
'promise,' but you probably won't score a lot.
Same if you spend all your time practicing offense. Seems to me you'd live up to your promise by
balancing your life a little, Bob. Manage the ones you got, and get more fun
outta your down time."
"I know what
you're saying, but how do I pass up an opportunity like that?" Bob asked.
"By reminding
yourself that you don't like managing these places, and taking over these
franchises means you'll have to take a pass on the parts of your life you're
just now learning to enjoy," Tan Man said.
"Sometimes by
letting go, we get more," Violet said.
"Sometimes we get balance, and that helps us live up to our
promise."
Today I will look at what I'm holding onto,
and why.
I will seek balance in my life as a way to
reach my potential.
Grateful 'cause it coulda been worse
"You don't coach
anymore?" I asked Mike.
"I drank my way
outta that job," Mike said. He
laughed a little, but a sadness wrinkled into folds around his eyes. They seemed to act as baffles, trapping
whatever joy the laugh might have held, making it ring hollow.
"What
happened?" Calvin asked. "Did
you show up drunk?"
"Thank God,
no. I didn't show up enough. After a while the school decided that if my
assistant was going to do most of the coaching, they didn't need me."
"That's so
sad," Violet said, seeming to feel Mike's pain.
"It coulda been
worse. I coulda showed up drunk and made
an ass of myself in front of all the players and coaches. You got no idea how grateful I am that never
happened."
Today I will be grateful
for the times things could have been worse.
I will be mindful of how
my faults and vices might have lead me into even more embarrassing, dangerous,
or damaging situations than I actually faced.
Even stray dogs wag their tails
When I got home that
night, my teenage daughter's boyfriend was sitting at our dinner table. Being the father of a teenage daughter made
boys his age my natural enemies. This boy
was a young shark who swam into my little dolphin pod. It was time to break his spine with my
hard-nose attitude.
And I might have given
him a roughing up, except I really liked him.
He was polite, helpful, and fun to have around. He met one of my most important criteria, he
made my daughter happy.
I would have been
happier had I not talked to my friend Tom.
He reminded me that when I was in high school I was polite, helpful, fun
to have around, and girls' fathers tended to like and trust me. I was also, as Tom described it, 'stray
dogging it,' and generally up to no good.
Today I will be grateful for people I like,
especially if I didn't want to like them.
The Wrath of Grapes
Julie, a woman who had
attended a previous group, called to get back into treatment. Her attempt to cure her alcohol allergy by
only drinking wine from locally grown grapes hadn't panned out.
"I think they must
have mixed in some imported grapes," she told me. "I kept having bad reactions to the
wine."
"Bad
reactions?" I asked.
"I got drunk, even
when I planned to have just a glass or two."
"What a
surprise," I said. "Josh is
doing evaluations today. Do you want me
to see if he can squeeze you into his afternoon schedule?"
"Don't you know
what day it is?" she asked her voice rising an octave. "It's Friday the 13th! I'm not driving anywhere today. Why take the chance?"
I wanted to point out
that driving on any given Friday was much less dangerous than an active
alcoholic drinking wine, no matter where the grapes were grown. "OK, call the main office and they'll
get you an appointment for next week."
Today I'll be less superstitious and more
aware of real threats to my well-being.
Mirror, mirror on the screen
The group was
discussing movies when I sat down to begin group.
"I just saw
Project X," Calvin said. "It
hit me."
"Project
X?" Bob asked. "Isn't that movie about a high school
party that gets out of control?"
"What message did
you get from that?" Mike asked,
laughing. "Don't park the car in
the pool? Alcohol and flame throwers
don't mix?"
"No, I got a look
at myself. You know the older neighbor
who crashes the party and starts drinking with the kids?"
"What a
loser!" Hoodie said.
"Exactly,"
Calvin said. "I'm that loser. Watching that movie held a mirror up for
me."
"You already knew
you were getting too old to hang out in college bars," Bob said.
"It's one thing to
know something, but something harder to see it in high definition, clear as
day."
"I'm sorry you had
to see yourself like that," Violet said.
"I'm not," Calvin
said. "I'm grateful. It helped me get rid of any doubt I had about
who I was and how I needed to change."
Today I will be grateful for mirrors held up
for me to see myself clearly.
Looks aren't everything
Hoodie came to group
fifteen minutes late. There were dark
circles under his eyes, his hair was at war with itself, and he had a brown
stain on the sleeve of his hoodie that might have been chocolate, but probably
wasn't.
"Amber was crying
and puking all weekend. Kitty said she'd
take care of her but I couldn't put the baby down."
"Kitty is your baby's
momma's momma?" Mike said, joking but making sure he knew who Hoodie was
talking about.
"Kitty is my
baby's momma's momma. Damn, how many
times I got to repeat stuff for you old dudes?" He said, too tired to
manage more than half a smile. "I look worse than I did in detox."
"I was an
inpatient when you were in detox," Violet said. "You look older, wiser, and more
handsome now than you ever did then."
"Once you get past
the smell, this whole 'taking care of the baby' thing makes you seem
hotter," Wendy added.
Today I will remember how I look to others
often has very little to do with how I look.
Transitions
I woke up that night in
the 'Daddy' chair, a recliner where I spent many hours trying to write. My laptop was back in its case, power cord
wrapped neatly and tucked into a side compartment. I realized I had fallen asleep, and my
daughter had put my toys away, wrapped me in a blanket and tucked a pillow
under my head. How many times had I sat
in that chair while she slept on my shoulder, I wondered. She was nowhere near ready to leave home, and
I wasn't ready to be put into one, but a transition was starting. Hopefully we'd have decades to make the
switch. She'd become more concerned
about my well-being, and I would be more confident in her ability to look out
for herself.
Today I will be grateful for gradual
transitions, ones that allow me time to adjust.
Fight
"I have to testify
against my ex," Wendy said to the group the next day. She bit her lower lip, wiped away a tear, then
added, "If I don't, I could end up in prison."
"You should be
grateful you can get a drug dealer off the street!" Barb said with real menace.
"I hope he rots in prison."
"He's not a bad
guy, he just has a bad job."
"He's the scum of
the earth. He should be locked away with
the other drug dealers, including the ones with a prescription pad, and the
ones who fill the prescriptions! If I could
put them all in prison I would."
This didn't sit well
with Wendy. "Why don't you call the
police about your delivery boy? You
gotta believe he's breaking some law."
"I don't want to
lose my marriage. I don't deserve to be
punished. I'm not a drug dealer, like you!"
"I may have
delivered some drugs, but I never paid for them with my …"
Violet cut her off,
"Ladies." The authority in her voice made Wendy and Barb stop bickering
and look at her. "Do you want to
fight, or do you want to help each other get better? You can't do both."
Today I will try to help people get better.
Labels
"I'm sorry,"
Barb said. "I'm not mad at you, I'm
mad at me. My marriage is over, my
husband just doesn’t know it yet."
The group waited for her to go on, but she shook her head and stared at
the floor instead.
"I'm sorry
too," Wendy said. "I don't
want to testify. Why should I? He's not some street corner drug dealer. He's just a guy making ends meet until he can
find another job. 'Drug dealer' is just a label."
"How long has he
been looking for a real job?" Mike asked.
"Five years, off
and on," Wendy said.
"He's been selling
drugs for five years and you don't think of him as a drug dealer?" Mike
asked. "That's like saying 'he's
not a serial killer, he's just somebody who murdered one person after the
other.'"
"I'd say the drug
dealer label fits," Calvin added.
Wendy stormed out of the room.
Today I will take a thorough moral inventory, knowing that sometimes
the label fits.
Honest with myself
A moment later Wendy
stormed back into the room.
"I hate you
all," she said.
"Is that your way
of saying we're right?" Calvin asked.
"That's my way of
saying…" she finished her thought with a lengthy stream of obscenities.
"And you're right. He's a drug
dealer. I've found a thousand ways to
justify what he does. He can't find a
job. He has an upscale clientele. He's a businessman. It's all b.s.
He might as well be on a street corner with a gun and a stolen cell
phone."
"That was hard to
admit," I said. "I admire you
for getting honest with yourself and the group."
"Getting honest
with yourself is the hardest part," Barb said. Barb and Wendy exchanged weak smiles.
"Are you going to
testify against him?" Bob asked.
"I don't
know," Wendy said, starting to cry.
Today I will try to be honest with myself.
Funny old ladies
It wasn't until much
later that I noticed Violet's sweatshirt.
A picture of candy and flowers was sandwiched between the lines: 'You can't get me
drunk, so you'll just have to work a little harder!'
"Cute
sweatshirt," I said to Violet.
"Where'd you get it?"
She laughed. "We had them made. There's four of us. We call ourselves 'The Booze-less Biddies,' we're all in our seventies and eighties, and
we're all sober."
"And you've all
kept a sense of humor," Mike said.
"Gotta love that."
"Getting old isn't
for the faint-hearted," Violet said.
"A sense of humor helps us get through the rough patches."
Today I will be grateful for a sense of
humor, and hope I hold onto it into old age.
Anxiously focused on deadlines
"I got some
news," Bob said to the group. My
friend at company headquarters said I have a month to decide about those
franchises. The last thing I needed was
a deadline!"
"Nah, that's exactly what you needed," Mike said. "Bet you're a little more anxious, but a
lot more focused."
Bob answered, "I
am more focused, but I could do without the anxiety. I thought I had all summer to think about
it. Now I've got to crunch the numbers,
talk to my wife, and make a decision. I
could do without that stress."
"It's like this,
if someone has anxiety, but no deadline, he'll put off a decision for way too
long, and worry the whole time. If he's
got a deadline, but no anxiety, his decision will be like tossing a coin. He just won't be focused. But, if he's got a deadline and anxiety,
he'll get serious sooner, and likely make his best decision."
Bob didn't seem
convinced, but he did manage to say, "Lucky me, I've got a deadline."
Today I will use deadlines and other
milestones to stay focused.
The right thing to do
The next time we met
was on a Monday. Wendy told the group
she had decided to testify.
"I'm proud of
you," Violet said, smiling at Wendy.
"Doing the right thing is so much harder when it involves the ones
we love."
"I don't love
him," Wendy said, "but thanks anyway."
Violet cocked her head
to the side and smiled at Wendy again.
"OK, maybe I do
still love him a little," Wendy admitted. "Maybe that's why I'm
struggling with this."
"I was sober a
long time before I relapsed," Violet said.
"I stayed that way by not spending much time with my family. I loved them all, but they were heavy drinkers. I always wished I could see them one more
time before I passed on. Staying away
from family at my age wasn't easy."
Today I will try to do the right thing, even
if loved ones disagree with what I'm doing.
Eye opener
"I saw my
girlfriend over the weekend," Hoodie said.
"It was bad."
"What was
bad?" Tan Man asked. "Did you
two fight?"
"So I go over
there with Amber. My girl is so happy to
see the baby. I'm thinking we're gonna
be the All-American family," Hoodie said.
"Maybe a minute into our visit she starts asking for money. Her mom pays her rent and her utilities. Her grandma buys her food. I know why she needs money." His pained
expression made several group members look away.
Mike said, "You
hang in there buddy. Things will get
better. You'll see."
"That's the thing,
I did see. It was a real eye-opener. I saw blood stains on the bathroom sink,
burns in the carpet, a pizza box sticking out from under the couch, no spoons. I wouldn't have even noticed those things
before I got clean. "
"I see somebody
who got his heart broke, but didn't get high," Mike pointed out. Hoodie's surprised look told me he hadn't
seen himself the change in himself.
Today I will be grateful
for eye-openers, good or bad.
Cat and mouse
"I did something I
shouldn't have done," Hoodie said, smiling. "I stole Nora's cat."
"Is that what the
kids are calling it these days?" Mike asked.
Hoodie laughed. "No!
I stole her cat. You know, a cat
– a grown kitten. He looked skinny and there was no food in his dish. Nora said he ran out of cat food, but she let
him outside to hunt mice. I told Nora
I'd take the cat, but she wanted to sell him to me. That was Saturday. Sunday morning I went to her apartment,
opened the door and the cat came to me."
"Awww," Barb
purred. "What's the cat's name?"
"Mouse,"
Hoodie said with a chuckle. "I gave
Mouse to Kitty. She just loves
him."
"So now he's
Kitty's cat, Mouse," Barb pointed out.
"I feel bad about
stealing Mouse, but I doubt Nora will miss him. If she does, I'll have to pay
her, and I know what she'll do with the money," Hoodie said with a sigh.
Today I will accept doing the right thing can
bring complications.
Better you than me
"You're quiet today, Violet," Barb said.
"A friend of mine
fell and broke her collarbone," Violet said. "At our age any fall can be the
beginning of the end. Her accident has
made me consider whether I could have been a better friend to her."
"That kinda thing
only makes you sad if you're a good friend," Mike said. "If you
weren't a good friend, you wouldn't care."
"If I was such a
good friend," Violet said, "I wouldn't be so grateful it wasn't
me."
Bob said, "I think
being grateful it wasn't you is human nature.
You're being a little harsh with yourself."
Calvin, who was sitting
to the left of Violet, put his arm around her and said, "I'm grateful it
wasn't me sitting on the banks of the Allegheny River for six hours on
Saturday, catching nothing!" He
pointed at Bob and laughed.
Bob snorted and
replied, "See Violet, it's OK for me to be grateful it wasn't me drinking
Pepsi in a college bar all Saturday night, hoping nobody noticed my bald
spot." Everybody laughed, except
me, and Violet, and Tan Man.
Today I'll be grateful it wasn’t me.
Reckless endangerment
"What?"
Calvin asked when he noticed my expression.
"I just drank Pepsi."
"I believe they
sell Pepsi and other soft drinks in supermarkets and vending machines,"
Violet said, sounding almost sincere.
"You may want to buy some to drink at home."
"I know what
you're saying, but I go to bars because I like company, not to get drunk."
"Have you ever
heard of 'reckless endangerment'?" Tan Man asked Calvin.
"What does
reckless endangerment have to do with relaxing – but not drinking – in a
bar?"
"If your
irresponsible behavior puts people at foreseeable risk, you are guilty of
reckless endangerment."
"Drinking Pepsi is
not irresponsible, and nobody was in danger, foreseeable or
otherwise." "You're a little
old to be such a drama queen," Calvin said testily. "Are you an attorney?"
"I am," Tan
Man said. "But that's not the
point. Keep hanging out in that bar and
you'll drink. People will be in danger,
danger anyone could see coming."
"Whatever,"
Calvin said, clueless as to how much he sounded like a bratty teenager.
Today I won't be reckless, I will consider
how my behavior might affect others.
Dogs and fleas
"I'm scared,"
Wendy said out of the blue. "My ex
told me I'd be smart not to testify."
"What do you think
he meant by that?" Tan Man asked.
He was smiling with no teeth visible, his eyes drawn into gunfighter
slits.
"It was a
threat," Wendy said. She shook a
little. "I couldn't believe
it. I thought he was one of the kindest,
sweetest, men I'd ever met. Now I'm
checking my door locks. I'm afraid of him, but I'm more afraid of the people he
works for."
"You'll be
OK," Tan Man said. His voice was so
authoritative the tension seemed to drain from Wendy's face.
"I should have
gotten away from him as soon as I found out what he did for a living,"
Wendy said. "Now I'm in deep. I guess it's true what they say about lying
down with dogs. Especially if you spend
years in the kennel."
Today I will remember the longer I lie down
with dogs, the more fleas I'll get up with.
(And, the longer I lie down with dogs, the
deeper under my skin the fleas will burrow.)
Dogs, mules, and 20/20 vision
"It's funny about
me saying he was a dog in a kennel. A
kennel is where they keep more than one dog.
That's the reason he's my ex. He
had more than one girlfriend visiting his kennel. He was so nice at first, none of us knew he
was treating us like dogs." Wendy
stopped. Her expression reminded me of a
woman who was jogging toward me on a path near a stream and swallowed a
gnat. "I just realized something. He didn't have more than one girlfriend, he
had more than one drug mule. I wasn't
living in a kennel, I was part of a stable.
How could I have been so stupid? What the hell is wrong with me? Why
didn't I see it?" She started to
cry.
"You're not
stupid. You just didn't want to
see," Tan Man said. "The good
news is now you do see. Many people go
their whole lives without seeing the world as it really is. They miss out on the good because they don't
see the bad coming, and they can't get out of the way. Be grateful."
Today I will try to be grateful for seeing
the bad and the good.
I will try to keep my eyes open to painful
truths and my heart open to joyful ones.
Mountains in the way
"How are you
holding up?" I asked Barb.
"Just dandy,"
she said. "Just *&^##
dandy!" She paused for a moment,
and I noticed her hands were balled into tight fists. "I have herpes."
"That sucks,"
Calvin said, "but it's not the end of the world."
"It's the end of
my marriage," Barb said. "It
might as well be the end of the world."
"I know you don't
want to hear this," Tan Man said, "but people have survived much
worse."
"Oh, am I supposed
to be thankful I don't have cancer or AIDS?
Well I'm not. Now go ahead and
tell me I'm just feeling sorry for myself.
Go ahead --I dare you!"
"Seriously, would
you rather have cancer? Would you rather
have AIDS?" Mike asked.
"If I had cancer,
my husband would support me. When I tell
him I have herpes, he'll know I cheated, and he'll have every reason to leave
me. He'll get the house and the cars and
I'll end up living under a bridge somewhere, spreading herpes to all the
homeless men I'll have to sleep with to get food."
"I think you're
getting a little ahead of yourself," I said. "This situation isn't a molehill, but
let's not jump off the mountain just yet.
Let's talk about this." Barb
refused to discuss it any further.
Today I will accept there will be mountains I
can't go around, that I have to climb.
I will not give into despair, I will not jump
off them.
Bumper cars
A long, sad silence
hung in the air until Calvin said, "I know who you are! I finally recognized the voice!"
"What are you
talking about?" I asked.
He pointed to Bob and
said, "He's Bumper Car Bob! There
was an amusement park in the middle of the state that didn't have much, except
this huge bumper car ride. When I was a
little kid a teenager ran the ride. He'd
go through the usual safety b.s. – keep your hands in the vehicle, don't get
out of the car until the ride stops, and stuff like that. Then he'd say a few
words about treating people kind, passing on the left, allowing one car length
between cars, and how we were all God's children. It was so out of place, it just made you
laugh, no matter how many times you heard it.
He'd bow his head, pull the switch, and the mayhem would start. People loved his routine."
Bob smiled, "I
can't believe you recognized me. That
was a long time ago."
Calvin smiled too. "You know what I liked? You took this boring job and made it
fun. Just that little bit of enthusiasm
made the ride ten times better."
Today I will approach the world with
enthusiasm.
Things that never get old
That night I sat on the
couch with my laptop, working on the follow-up paperwork for several trainings
I had done earlier that week. My teenage
daughter curled up beside me, a thick American History book on her lap. I thought about how many times she had done
this.
When she was a toddler
we had shared picture books. I'd ask her, where are all those dogs going? Where's the mouse? Picture books gave way to story books; story
books gave way to school books.
"Did you vote for
Truman?" she asked, poking a little fun at me.
'Spending time with her
never gets old,' I thought. "No,
but I will be voting for a proposition to extend school hours. Ten hour
weekdays, and half a day on Saturdays."
She snorted. "You'd be too depressed to get out of
bed if you thought me and Brat Boy wouldn't be around when you got home from
work." She turned sideways, resting
the back of her head against my shoulder. "Love you," she added,
"even if you really are a silly, old man."
As I age, I'll be grateful for things that
never get old.
Trust
The next time group met,
Hoodie had a worried look on his face.
"What's up?"
I asked him.
"Nora's coming to
live with her mother, the baby, and me," Hoodie said. "Kitty was against it. I played on her guilt, asking her how she
could let her own daughter end up homeless."
"What worries you?" Violet asked
"Kitty took me in instead
of her own daughter for a reason. Maybe
she knows something I don't. I'm feeling
bad 'bout making Kitty feel guilty. What
if having Nora around the baby is a bad idea?
Being on the birth certificate don't make Nora a mom."
Mike looking serious as
a heart attack, said, "Nothing will make you feel more uneasy than
trusting people maybe you shouldn't trust.
Especially when there's children involved."
"I know,"
Hoodie said. "I love Nora, and I
want Kitty and Nora to work things out. Moms and daughters shouldn't
fight. But deep down I wonder if Nora's
ready. I'm afraid we're giving her
enough rope to hang herself." He
let out a sigh drenched in weariness and wariness.
Today I will not trust the untrustworthy, for
my good and theirs.
Lucky you
"You seem a little
happier today," Violet said to Barb.
"I hope things are looking up for you!"
"Things haven't
changed," Barb said, "but my perspective has." She paused for a moment, seemed to collect
her thoughts, and said, "My sister was a wild woman. We shared an apartment before I got
married. One Sunday she got dropped off
after spending the weekend in a tent with some guy from work. Walking into the building, she runs into this
guy from down the hall. She tells him
she was hiking all day and needs a shower.
He asks her if he can join her, and of course, she says yes."
"Is she still
single?" Mike asked. "Does she
live around here?" The group
laughed, and Wendy went on.
"She was
lucky. She never caught a disease, never
got pregnant. When I first found out I
had herpes, I was furious with the punk who gave it to me. I was surprised at how mad I was with my
sister."
"Oh honey,"
Violet said, "life's too short for holding a resentment like that."
"And that's the
good news. Now I'm happy she cleaned up
her act before her lifestyle caught up with her. Her good luck has nothing to
do with my bad luck."
Today I won't resent other people's good luck, no matter how bad
my luck might be.
Orchard
After group, I asked
Bob if he had called Tamika, a friend of mine who was a florist and an
entrepreneur like Bob.
"I did," he
said. "She had a lot of good things
to say."
"Like what?"
I asked.
"That I should
take a moment to be grateful I had choices before I started thinking about what
choice to make."
"Good idea."
"I liked her
analogy. She said there was more
prestige in managing the orchard, but some people would find taking care of the
trees more rewarding. I'd have to decide
if I wanted to trim trees or manage the orchard. Only a few detail-minded people could do
both."
"A lot of
unhappiness comes from trying to be all things to all people," I added.
Today I will take stock: am I trying to trim trees and manage
the orchard?
Have I bitten off more than I can chew?
Good job!
The next time group
met, Mike announced his brother had offered him a coaching job. He was beaming. After the congratulations
died down, an almost painful silence engulfed the group as they waited for him
to talk about the job. Instead, he said,
"I know he offered 'cause I'm his brother, but it was still a nice
gesture."
The sadness in his eyes
jarred loose a memory – I knew his brother.
My daughter and his daughter had played on different teams in a
basketball league. After my daughter had
played a really good game, a father from the opposing team asked me what drills
she ran. He wanted to know if she was on
a special diet, had I started weight training with her, and if she played other
sports to prepare for basketball.
I remembered him,
because this in-house third grade league was known more for giggling than
intense preparation for Division I college scholarships. Sometimes the referee would stop play to
explain to all the girls why he had called 'double dribbling', or 'over and
back.'
"Is your brother
shorter than you? Stocky? Intense? Really, really, Intense?"
"That's him,"
Mike said.
"He doesn't strike
me as someone who would offer you a coaching job out of the goodness of his
heart."
"Not really,"
Mike said. His smile made me think he saw my point.
"Apparently your
brother remembers the good job you've done, or he wouldn't ask you to coach
with him."
Today I will do a good job, hoping to leave others with a
lasting impression.
Live a little
Violet told the group
it was her 75th birthday. She
also told the group one of her children bought her a bottle of wine to
celebrate. The child in question was 55
years old, old enough to know better.
"Why would she buy
you booze?" Calvin asked. "Was
it a joke?"
"No joke, she
thought I deserved a drink. She said at
my age I might as well live a little."
"What did you
say?" I asked.
"I said there's
many ways to live a little, but I want to live a lot. I have a bucket list as long as your arm. If I go back to drinking, I won't get to any
of them."
Today I will live a lot.
Here comes the choo-choo!
"What did you do
with the wine?" I asked Violet.
"I gave it back to
her. She was quite angry with me. She wanted me to share a glass with her, as
we had done many times before I got sober."
"You drank with
her a lot?" Wendy asked.
"From the time she
was fifteen until she was almost forty. After my husband died, we pretended we
were drinking to drown our sorrows. We
were just drinking. It almost killed me."
"If it almost
killed you, why the hell would she want you to drink again?" Wendy asked.
"She doesn't
understand how addiction works. She sees
me standing on the tracks, but she thinks because I'm old and sweet, the train
will swerve to miss me."
"That's crazy,"
Calvin said, referring to the idea Violet could drink safely.
"Yeah, thinking
you're sweet," Mike joked.
"Old yes, but sweet?"
Today I will remember the old adage about not
playing on the tracks….
Nothing to do
A week later Hoodie
told the group Nora was gone.
"She took off,"
Hoodie said. "Kitty went to work
and forgot her purse. Nora took all the
money and the credit cards and just took off while I was in the shower. I called Kitty at work and asked her to come
home and watch Amber so I could go after Nora.
Kitty cried and said if I left I might not find my way back."
"I'm glad you
didn't go after her," Wendy said.
"There's a good chance you would have gotten high with her."
"I wanted to, but Mouse
sat on my lap. He's a ten pound cat but
he felt like a boulder, I couldn't move.
I got no heart."
Bob told Hoodie he
admired him for not going after Nora, "Nah, I think you have heart. You
may look like a stick in a sweatshirt, but I see a real man who looked after
his kid first."
Today I will remember that sometimes nothing
is the hardest thing to do.
Spare change
"I thought she had
changed," Hoodie said. "She
sounded like a different person."
"What did she
change?" Violet asked.
"The things she
said were different. She seemed to know
what she had to do."
"What did she
change?" Violet asked again.
Hoodie stared at her
for a long moment. "You want to
know what she did different, not what she said different." He looked at his shoes for an even longer
moment. "She changed her
address."
"My father had a
saying, 'word change is short change,'" Violet said.
"What is 'short
change'?" Hoodie asked.
"Literally, short
change means getting back less money than you were due from a purchase. Figuratively, short changed means not getting
what you deserve, or putting less into something than it deserves. Your girlfriend short changed her recovery by
changing the way she talked without making other changes. "
Today I will remember word change is short
change.
Reaction
Barb said to the group,
"I told my husband about the herpes.
I thought he had a right to know."
"How did he take
the news?" Violet asked.
"He called me a
tramp, a whore, and a harlot," Barb said without a trace of emotion. I guessed she had cried herself tearless.
"Who says 'harlot'
anymore?" Tan Man asked.
"Did you tell him
about your addiction? That you never
would have cheated if you hadn't gotten addicted?" Violet asked.
"I did. He said junkie was just another name for
whore. I knew he'd be angry, but I
thought he might feel some compassion. I
couldn't have been more wrong."
"What now?"
Mike asked.
"Now we get
divorced," Barb said. She started to
sob. "I think he's totally overreacting,
but I can't do anything to change his mind."
Today I will accept I have no control over how people react,
especially if I have wronged them.
Pushed
"Somebody shot out
my porch light," Wendy said.
"Pretty sure it was my ex."
"Hmmm," was
all that Tan Man said.
"You know I'm not
scared as much as I would've predicted.
The more he harasses me, the more determined I am to testify."
"You are a brave
young lady," Violet said. "But
if you ever do get scared, you're welcome to stay with me for a while."
"I never would
have described myself as brave. I'm like
the Cowardly Lion from the Wizard of Oz.
I didn't know I was brave until I was pushed a little."
"Having a baby
made me grow up," Hoodie said.
"I was fast and
loose with my money until I started running my own business," Bob
added. "Going into business pushed
me to be a lot more responsible.
Today I will be grateful for being pushed a
little.
Lesson of the lookout crow
That evening I was
supposed to be writing, but instead I watched a flock of crows eat bread thrown
out for the birds. One crow had his back
to the rest. He seemed to be scanning
the surroundings for signs of danger. In
a few minutes he turned to the bread and another bird took his place as
lookout. It struck me that even these
scavengers, with their mythological ties to death, looked after each
other. Shouldn't I do the same? I thought a donation to a reputable charity
might be a good way to look after my fellow man.
I remembered what Ralph Waldo Emerson said
about helping others: “It is one of the
most beautiful compensations in life, that no man can sincerely try to help
another without helping himself.”
Today I will look after the well-being of my
fellow man.
Hanging on
Hoodie's girlfriend
OD'd, but didn't die. She hung onto the
thread we addicts fray further every time we use. He missed a week at the rehab because he
wouldn't leave her side. When he finally
came back to group, he said he knew she would OD the moment he realized she was
gone.
Today I will remember some actions are tied to inescapable
consequences.
Decisions, decisions
After Hoodie spoke, the
group's mood was down. Mike didn't help
matters by telling the group his brother wasn't speaking to him.
"Why not?"
Tan man asked.
"He's furious I
haven't decided to take the coaching job he offered."
"You haven't
decided not to either," Tan Man pointed out.
"To my brother,
not immediately accepting is the same as rejecting his offer."
"What are you
going to do?" I asked.
"I'm going to
decide when I'm ready. If he withdraws
the offer before I'm ready, that's out of my control."
"A wise
non-decision," Tan Man said.
Today I won't make decisions I'm not ready to
make.
Hope
After group, Hoodie
told me Nora was just hanging on. He
recited a long list of medical complications.
I didn't need to be a doctor to know any one of them could be
fatal.
"What are her
chances?" I asked. "I don't mean to sound cold, but I think you owe
it to yourself to have a realistic outlook."
"She might
die," Hoodie said. "She
probably will. I'm holding onto hope,
but I know it don't look good." He
paused for a second before asking, "Am I the cold one? Should I just think positive?"
"Maybe we're both
a little cold, but I think false hope does more harm than good."
"What's the
difference between 'hope' and 'false hope'?" he asked.
"False hope
ignores the obvious, like pretending Nora's not really hurt. True hope lies in knowing
the odds, preparing for the most likely outcome, but not giving up hope. False
hope borders on being delusional, but true hope takes acceptance and
strength."
"You think I have
true hope?"
"I think you are
wise beyond your years. I have great
hope for you, even though your life has gotten off to a rocky start."
He smiled and said,
"Thanks. I still think you're a
little cold, but thanks."
Today I will hope for the best, but not
ignore the obvious.
Saints and sinners
A week went by. Barb asked the group if she could speak
first.
"You'll never
guess who called me," she said.
"Who?" Bob
asked. "Your husband?"
"No, not my
husband. His girlfriend."
"He has a
girlfriend?" Bob asked. "Did
you know he had a girlfriend?"
"I didn't know he
had a girlfriend, and she didn't know he had a wife. She did know he had herpes, because he gave
it to her about six months ago. Which
means I probably got herpes from him."
"He's the guy who
called you a whore, a slut, and, what was the last thing?"
"A harlot. That sneaky weasel called me a harlot. I thought he was a saint, and I judged myself
so harshly because I wasn't. I let him
judge me for the very same reason."
Today I won't judge myself harshly in
comparison to people who claim to be saints.
Hairy ears, surprises, and gratitude
I was half asleep when
a knee on my chest and a violent tug at me ear woke me.
"Got it!" my
daughter said, holding a pair of tweezers up to the light.
"Have you lost
your mind?" I asked. "I was
sleeping!"
Without an ounce of
remorse, she said, "You had a hair growing out of your ear. Good thing I
saw it!"
"Stay out of my
ears," I said. "Or at least
wait until I'm awake to pluck any stray hairs you find there."
"I wanted to
surprise you," she said. "You
should be grateful I'm so attentive."
"I'd be grateful
if you stopped trying to surprise me." I hugged her, and took the tweezers
away.
"OK, but when
people start calling you Sasquatch ears, don't come crying to me."
Today I will be grateful not to encounter any nasty surprises.
Nora
Nora, Hoodie's
girlfriend, Kitty's daughter, Matt's daughter, and Amber's mother, died. Although they all grieved in their own ways,
they shared a similar sense of opportunity lost. None of them would have a chance to reconcile
with Nora.
Today I will remember what I do will likely affect
others.
Money laundering
Hoodie said, "Kitty will
pay for the funeral, but I wish I could pay for a headstone. I wanna do something."
"I will give you
the money," Barb said.
"You don't have to
do that," Hoodie said. "Money
might get tight, with you and your husband splitting up. But thanks for the offer."
Barb snorted. "Didn't I tell you? My cheating husband hid a gazillion dollars from
me. I'd never have known if he hadn't cheated
on his rich girlfriend."
"Why is your
husband's girlfriend being so helpful?" Calvin asked.
Shouldn't you two be natural enemies?"
"She's furious. He said he was broke, so she gave him money. He got caught spending her money on another woman. The private investigator she hired found me
and his hidden stash. The whole time
we've been married, I've scrimped and saved.
All the while he had money coming in that I didn't know about. Lots of it."
"So what are you
going to do?" Calvin asked.
"I'm
going to take that bad money and do something good with it. Pick out whatever headstone you like, Hoodie. My husband's paying for it."
Today I will be grateful at how good
often comes from bad situations.
Happy Headstones
Hoodie seemed stunned,
but said, "Thank you! I mean thank
you so much! But you know I can't pay
you back. I got nothing, I don't even
have a place of my own."
Barb laughed. "Nothing's free in this life, kid! Bring Amber to the NA meetings we go to and
I'll call it even. I could always make
room for another grandchild, even if we're not related by blood."
"I will so do
that. If that's all it takes to pay you
back, I will bring her every time!"
Barb and Hoodie
hugged. Tan Man said to Bob, "Ever
known a headstone to make people so happy?"
"Truly
amazing," Bob said, smiling at Hoodie and Barb.
Today I will be grateful for things that
aren't supposed to make people happy, but do.
No strings attached
When it was Wendy's
turn to speak, she looked directly at Tan Man and said, "I got a strange
phone call last night. My ex-boyfriend
called to apologize for harassing me. He
said he was going to accept the plea bargain.
For some reason he insisted I tell you he had called me."
"Good to hear he's
come to his senses," Tan Man said, smiling at Wendy.
"What made him see
the light?" Wendy asked Tan Man.
Other group members leaned forward in their seats. I felt as if I were part of a crime
drama.
"I called in some
favors," Tan Man said with a shrug.
"I appreciate it,
but why? Do I owe you?"
"I helped you
because I could. You owe me
nothing."
We were dying to know
what Tan Man meant by 'favors,' but if Wendy wasn't going to ask, nobody else
wanted to either.
Today I will be grateful for people who help
others for any reason.
Downward and outward
I turned down the
coaching job my brother offered," Mike said when it was his turn to share.
"How'd he take
it?" Calvin asked.
"I hope he wasn't
too upset," Violet added.
"He called me an
ungrateful drunk," Mike said.
"Told me he'd make sure I never got a coaching job anywhere near
here."
"Well, you just
tell him to pull down and outward," Violet said with an exaggerated smile.
"Down and
outward?" I asked.
"Cleary his
panties are in a bunch. A gentle tug may
help the situation," Violet answered.
Mike laughed, and said,
"I don't even care. If I'm supposed
to coach again I'll find a position. The
fact that I've stayed sober this long has restored a little of my faith in
myself."
"What about your
brother?" Calvin asked. "Can
he really keep you from getting a job?"
"Maybe," Mike
said, "but I'm going to bet on me.
My brother isn't the only one who knows I'm a good coach, at least when
I'm sober."
Today I will have a little faith in my sober
self.
Climb
"You seem a little
down today," Bob said to Violet.
Violet said, "This
is the anniversary of my sponsor's death.
Sarah was my best friend. She was
so kind and so wise. I can't believe I
used her passing as an excuse to drink.
It's the last thing she would have wanted me to do. I've been kicking
myself about it all week."
"Listen,"
Mike said, "there are people who find themselves in a hole and do
nothing. There are people who kick
themselves for being in the hole. There
are people like you, trying to climb out, who stop every now and then to kick
themselves. Why? What purpose does it serve?
You already acknowledged you're in a hole, keep climbing."
Violet smiled and said
with complete sincerity, "You're right, coach."
Today I will climb, not wasting time kicking
myself.
Worry
"Did you make any
decision about the franchises?" I asked Bob.
"Sometimes I have
to laugh at myself," Bob said.
"Just yesterday I was talking to my friend in the main office. He was talking about another guy who ran a
bunch of garages from his home. It
dawned on me that with a couple of more tire and oil change places, it wouldn't
make sense for me to work out of any one store. I can't afford it now, but if I
had four or five more stores, I could hire someone to run them for me."
"Sounds good, but
why would you have to laugh at yourself?"
"Because the
answer was right under my nose, and I couldn't see it. All that worrying for nothing!"
Today I will look for obvious solutions to
needless worrying.
I hear you and you're wrong
When it was Calvin's
turn to speak, he looked a little embarrassed.
I noticed him glance over at Wendy, who nodded.
"OK, Ken, you may
not like this, but I thought I'd tell you before I told Krista," Calvin
said. Krista was the therapist who ran
the evening program. Calvin was about to be transferred to her program.
"If it's something
you have to try out on me before you tell your therapist, maybe you shouldn't
do whatever you're about to tell me."
"Maybe not, but
try to keep an open mind. I'm dating
Wendy." He went on to tell the
group why he thought this was a good idea.
Only Wendy agreed with him. I
tried to tell him why I thought their romance was a bad idea. He wasn't convinced.
After a long
discussion, I told the group it was time to move on.
Today I will accept others won't always
accept what I have to say. I will move
on.
Dry land
Before we could move
on, Wendy said, "I’m dating Calvin because I like him. I like him enough that I'm willing to do
anything to pull him out of the mud. If
he's dating me, he won't be going to college bars, which are muddy, muddy places
for him."
"Getting someone
out of the mud takes two things," I said.
"The person in the mud has to keep his feet moving toward dry
land. The person pulling has to be
standing on dry land. I don't see
Calvin's feet moving. He's not working
very hard to get clean. No offense
Wendy, but you haven't been clean and sober very long. You're not standing on completely dry land
yourself."
She just shrugged,
Calvin looked away.
Today I will stand on dry land and help
people trying to get out of the mud.
Fun
Two weeks went by
before Hoodie said much in group. When
it was his turn to speak, he told the group about going bowling with Kitty and
his parents.
"It was this big
charity event called the Bad Bowling Bonanza.
The bowling alley gave all the money to feed the homeless over the
holidays. I had a great time."
"So why the long
face?" Victoria asked.
"I feel like I'm
doing something wrong. Like I shouldn't
be so happy so soon after Nora's death."
"Life goes on," Victoria said. "Enjoying life is not a slap at
the departed."
Mike added "If you
brought a date to her funeral, I'd say that was disrespectful. But I think fun is like gratitude, if you
need a lot of both when life is rough, or you'll die, go crazy, or drink."
Today I will have a little bit of fun
regardless of whether life is easy or hard.
Down but not out
That night I typed,
deleted, and retyped the same paragraph for two hours. By 10:00 I was ready to
pull my hair out. At 10:30 I finally
admitted I had nothing to say. I set my computer
beside my bed so I could try again in the morning.
Today I will admit when I'm beaten, but make
plans to fight again tomorrow.
Rude Awaking
I was late for group
the next time they met. They were
talking about remarrying. Tan Man said
he might remarry, but he doubted it. Violet
said she never had any desire to remarry when her husband died.
Barb said she too had
no desire to date or remarry. "And
that's what amazes me. When I thought
I'd destroyed my marriage, I was devastated.
I couldn't imagine how I'd make it on my own. When I found out he had been cheating, my
eyes opened. Just like that, I saw
myself so differently. It was a rude awakening, but I'm glad I'm not sleepwalking
anymore. In a strange way he did me a
favor."
The group talked about
other 'rude awakenings,' like not making the team, birthdays that ended in
zeros, or getting bad news from the doctor.
They agreed they hated them, but better a rude awakening than
sleepwalking through a life, not knowing where we stand, or who we really are.
Today I will try to be grateful for rude
awakenings.
Lights
"Are you going to
hang any more Christmas lights?" my wife asked.
"I wasn't going
to," I said. "I don't want to
have to sell my blood to pay the electric bill."
"I'll let you pick
the movie tonight." It was her turn to pick, but she knew there were
several new releases I wanted to see. She had me.
"You can't bribe
me with some silly movie," I said. "I've
got a little more spine than that." We both knew I was kidding myself. She held the silence just long enough for me
to see the hopelessness of my situation.
"Could you grab a
box of tissues from the pantry? There's
a real tear-jerker on HBO tonight. It's about the lifelong friendship of two
schoolgirls who meet in postwar Europe.
It's French with English subtitles."
"You're making
that up," I said.
"Am I?" she
asked.
Later, when we sat down
to watch a sci-fi action thriller, I saw her looking out the window at the
lights. I would have hung twice as many
lights just to see that smile.
Today I will be grateful for smiles.
Where were you
Patty The Office
Manager Who Really Runs The Site was off.
Josh was doing an evaluation and The Other Ken was running a group. I was the only one available to answer
morning phone calls. I thought about
resigning, or at least hiding under my desk.
A woman called about
her son. Her anguish broke my
heart. A second caller complained that
another rehab had wanted him to quit smoking weed and drinking, when all he really
wanted to quit was heroin. I told him we
also stressed abstinence from all drugs.
He cursed us, the other rehab, and a methadone clinic. Apparently the meth clinic wasn't open at 2:00
p.m. when he got up, didn't want him to smoke weed, and didn't deliver. The third caller wanted to tell staff he was
celebrating a year clean.
As the morning went on,
the calls went from the inspiring to the infuriating. In between calls I made a note to make sure
Patty knew how much we missed her when she was gone.
Today I will thank someone for the job they
do.
Slow learners
"Where's
Calvin?" I asked as I walked into the group room later that day.
"He was arrested
for supplying alcohol to minors," Wendy said. "He bought beer for some kid in a bar
and the kid got into an accident on the way home. We're through."
Wendy looked
dejected. Violet said, "I know this
hurts and disappoints you, but maybe Calvin has learned his lesson."
"No, he really
hasn't," Wendy said with a sigh.
"He blames the kid. Calvin
is just like my ex. No matter how much
trouble they get into they blame someone else.
They never learn their lessons."
"You should be
grateful," Violet said.
"For what?"
Wendy asked. "For being a loser
magnet?"
"No. For being a faster learner than Calvin or
your ex. You're still clean and sober,
and doing the right thing by dumping Calvin and testifying against your
ex. You have learned your lessons."
Today I will be grateful for lessons learned,
especially if they were learned sooner rather
than later.
None so blind
A week later Calvin was
out of jail and back in group. He was disgusted
with the court system, which thought had targeted the wrong person. "I
shouldn't have bought beer for that kid, but shouldn't he be responsible for
his actions?" Calvin asked the group.
"He drank the beer. He drove
the car. He hit the tree."
Nothing the group said
seemed to sway Calvin's opinion. Group
members grew frustrated with Calvin's refusal to see the obvious, that he had
no business being in that bar, let alone buying beer for a minor.
Today I will remember the old saying, 'there
are none so blind as those who will not see.'
Every opportunity
Two days after that
group, Calvin ran a red light, nearly killing a Chatham University student out
for an afternoon run. Marti was a petite
girl from a high school so poorly run it had to be taken over by the
state. On her third birthday, her
father's truck had jackknifed on a patch of ice. He never drove again, and her family lived on
his disability check, food stamps, and a small Teamsters pension. She had
struggled to get into college, but hoped to be the first person from her family
to graduate. She was in her final
semester and had been accepted to Duke's Law School.
When he was interviewed
on the news, Marti's father said his daughter would overcome this setback. He said he hoped Calvin got the help he
needed.
Wendy told the group
she had called Calvin in jail. She had asked
him how he felt about almost depriving the world of such an inspirational young
lady. Calvin's reply was 'would you be
happier if she was a total loser? She'll miss a little school, but I've set my
career back five years.'
I thought it ironic how
some people make the most of whatever chances they're given. Some will be given every chance, but never
understand the advantages they've had.
Today I will be grateful for whatever
opportunities come my way.
Decisions
Bob told the group he
was still questioning his decision to expand his business. He had thought once he made the decision his
anxiety would vanish. "I still
worry, but I haven't had a drink over it."
Today I will accept making important
decisions doesn't often produce immediate peace and serenity.
Ashes, ashes, ….
"I bought a
house!" Barb told the group.
"I took some of the money my lying, cheating husband squirreled
away and bought a house. It's tiny – one
bedroom, one bathroom, one floor and an unfinished basement, -- but it has room
for a garden and a fenced-in backyard for the dogs. I can't believe, after all that happened, I'm
going to start over in such a cozy house.
I thought my life had burned to the ground."
Today I will remember
today's ashes may be tomorrow's fertilizer.
Shop 'til you drop
I took my dog for a
walk on Black Friday. Despite the cold
and the early hour, a long line snaked around the building of a huge toy
store. The toy everyone had to have that
year was in artificially short supply, driving up the price and the hype. Folks who didn't get to the store early
enough were likely to experience something akin to withdrawal. Many of the early birds were going to spend
money they didn't have for something they wanted infinitely more than they
needed it.
Today I will remember shopping can be an
addiction.
That's nice
"Why are you
smiling?" my son asked as he sat down next to me on the couch.
I showed him a card I
had been reading. "I got a thank you card."
"So?"
"So you'd be
surprised how many agencies pay for my trainings and send a thank you. They
don't have to thank me, but they do. I'll bet they send them to other trainers
as well. It's good to know niceness
isn't dead."
"Sounds like that
card put you in a really good mood," he said, smiling.
"It really
did."
"Then it wouldn't
be right for me to spoil it for you.
I'll tell you later."
"Always thinking
of me," I said, giving him a look that made him slide away from me.
"Just trying to
add to the niceness."
Today I will be grateful for niceness.
Unplugged
The next day at work I
tried to print something on the new Sharp copier. Nothing happened. I pulled out the manual and followed the
step-by-step directions. Still
nothing. I cursed the copier, the Sharp
Corporation, its board of directors, and their CEO. I tried again, following the same
step-by-step directions.
I whined to Patty The
Office Manager Who Really Runs The Site about the new copier.
"Did you follow
the directions?" she asked. I bit
my tongue and went back to my office. When I was halfway through writing a sarcastic
email to Sharp, with cc's to our IT gurus and our CFO, I noticed the cable
connecting my laptop to the copier network wasn't plugged in.
I plugged into the
network and heard the familiar whirring sound of pages being printed.
The email was still on
screen, including the part about the copier being something I might use a stick
to scrape from the bottom of my shoe after visiting a dog park. So was the line claiming they should return
the CFO's check, apologize, cut his grass, and wash his car.
I could picture the IT
guys driving 45 minutes from the main office to this office only to plug in the
cable. I don't think they would have
been pleased. And I'd have to write a
huge apology letter to Sharp.
After deleting the
message without sending it, I added 'seeing the unplugged cable in time' to my
gratitude list.
Today I will be grateful for anything that
saves me from putting my foot in my mouth.
Nosedive
The next time the group
met, Tan Man had a broad smile.
"Don't you look
like the cat that ate the canary," Violet said to him.
"I'm going to retire,"
Tan Man said with a broad smile.
"I've made all the arrangements."
"What will you do?"
I asked, concerned about someone so new to recovery having so much time on his
hands.
"I'm going to
spend some of my time volunteering at a free legal aid center, and the rest
fishing, golfing, and playing with my grandchildren."
"Sounds like
heaven," Bob said.
Tan Man said, "I
feel like a pilot in an old movie who pulls his plane out of a dive just in the
nick of time. Makes me think I may even
want to learn to fly."
"What turned
things around for you?" I asked, hoping he could provide the group with
something to think about. "Was it
the death of your wife?"
"Her death was a
slap in the face that woke me up enough to look around. I saw a law partner die at his desk. His whole life was nothing but working and
drinking. That wasn't going to be me.
I'm sorry he died, but I'm also grateful it wasn't me."
Today I will be selfishly grateful for people
whose lives serve as a warning.
Happy and healthy
"Don't want to
jinx you," Bob said, "but retirement killed my dad."
"How did
retirement kill your dad?" Mike asked.
"He was a cook in
a neighborhood diner. He loved his
job. He loved the customers, he loved
flirting with the waitresses, and he loved joking with the owner. When he hit 65, my mom started pushing him to
quit working. When he hit 70, the owner
said he should think about hanging up his apron. When he was 72 he let them pressure him into
retirement. He moped around for two
weeks, had a stroke, and died."
"That mighta just
been coincidence," Mike said.
"Maybe," Bob
said, "but I think he was heartbroken.
And I know he was mad at himself for letting them push him out of that
job. That's what I think killed him."
Today I will resolve to do, for as long as I
can, whatever keeps me healthy and makes me happy. I will not let others decide what I should be
doing instead.
Dog
The next morning, the dog
woke me up at 6:00 a.m. with a bark and a tiny paw to my chest. She wanted to play before she went outside, and
then had her breakfast. Once again, I
was amazed at what animals had to teach me.
What better way to start the day than being playful with someone I
loved?
Today I will try to start my day as playfully as possible.
Wisdom
That day I found a book
I had read twenty-five years earlier after buying it for $1.00 at a garage
sale. It was the best $1.00 I ever
spent. The book was full of wisdom. As I shuffled through the pages, I realized I
didn't remember much of what I had read.
Reading it again after so many years made me grateful that wisdom has an
extremely long shelf-life.
Today I will be grateful for wisdom never
grows old.
Theory of reactivity
"You're never
going to believe this," Barb said to the group the next day. "You just are not going to believe
this!"
"Believe
what?" I asked.
"She shot
him! She shot him in the thigh! Can you believe it?"
"Who shot
who?" Hoodie asked.
"My husband's rich
girlfriend shot him in the thigh," Barb said. "She called me from jail. She was aiming a little higher, but she
missed! I can't believe it."
Wendy laughed. "Not that I blame you, but you seem
really, really happy he got shot."
"I am. I know I shouldn't be, but I am. I do feel bad for her," Barb said. "He's slime, but she overreacted."
"Bet you're glad
you didn't shoot him," Hoodie said.
"Can't picture you doing well in jail."
"I wanted to shoot
him. I understand why she did it. But like I said, she overreacted, and that
almost never turns out well."
Today I will be grateful for the times I
didn't overreact.
It could have been worse
After group I was still
thinking about Barb's husband getting shot, and not paying attention to what I
was doing. I spilled coffee all over my
calendar desk pad. Rather than kick
myself, I was grateful it was December.
I would be replacing the coffee-stained calendar in a few weeks. Had I spilled the coffee in January, I'd have
to live with the stain all year.
Today I will be grateful for accidents that
could have been worse.
I'm happy for you
Mike told the group his
friend had gotten a prestigious coaching job.
"This is the guy who took over for me when I was fired," Mike
said. "He had a couple of good years
and a bigger school took notice."
"You mad 'cause
that coulda been you?" Hoodie asked Mike.
"Two years ago I
hated everybody who coached at a bigger school, won more games, or got more
notice in the papers. Now I'm genuinely
happy for the guy."
"Hey Ken, do you
think Mike's attitude is better 'cause of a change in his life, or 'cause of a
change in brain chemistry?" Hoodie asked.
"Probably a little
of both," I said. "There's
less pressure on Mike these days, and his brain has had some time to
heal."
"I ask 'cause I
notice I'm not as jealous of other people as I used to be," Hoodie
said. "I like it."
Today I will be grateful when I can be happy
for others.
Challenges
"There's
more," Mike said. "He asked me
to be his assistant."
"Won't that be
strange since he was your assistant two years ago?" Tan Man asked.
"Sure will, but I
like the idea. I'll have to get a little
humble. Other than getting sober, that
will be harder than anything I've done so far.
I may have ended up a falling down drunk, but I've always loved a
challenge."
Today I will be grateful for anything that
challenges me to develop my character.
Favor
"How'd your
brother take you turning down the job he offered, but accepting a coaching spot
from your friend?" I asked.
"About as well as
I'd expect. He called to tell me never
to call him, and he hoped to coach against me so he could run up the
score."
"I'm sorry to hear
that," I said.
"He also told me I
should start drinking again, that he liked me better as a drunk."
"Ouch," Tan
Man said. "That's harsh."
"Oh, I expected
worse from him."
"You OK?" Bob
asked.
"Funny thing, I'm
more than OK. My brother is an obnoxious
jackass that I've spent years trying to please.
In a strange way he did me a favor.
I finally see there's no *&^$@ point in trying to please him. What a relief."
"Sad favor,"
Bob said.
Today I will be grateful for favors, even sad
ones.
Recycling
That evening I was
writing sitting on the couch, writing my daily message. My daughter was peering over my shoulder,
reading previous messages.
"Weak," she
said.
"What?" I
asked.
"The spilled
coffee one. You used that one
before."
"No I
didn't," I said with absolute certainty. "How is it you remember
something I may have written a year ago, but can't remember to take out the
garbage?"
"Hey Brat
Boy," she called out to her brother, ignoring my question. "Daddy's using the one about spilling
coffee on his deskpad again."
"Weak!" he
yelled from his room.
"Let's see you
find something to be grateful for now, writer man!" she said with a smirk.
Today I will be grateful gratitude can be
recycled.
For real
The next day Wendy told
the group Calvin had found God in jail.
She was skeptical to say the least.
"Why don't you
believe him?" I asked.
"He had no use for
anything spiritual until he got in trouble.
Now he's reading the Bible every day.
I'll bet he quotes Scripture when he goes before the judge."
Most of the group
shared Wendy's suspicion that Calvin's new found belief was more convenience
than conversion.
I said, "I had a friend LeVaughn who was
a kindhearted science teacher, and an absolute atheist. Whenever someone would doubt another person's
religious sincerity, LeVaughn would ask that person, how do you know? Then he'd
say it made no sense to assume something negative about someone without
evidence."
"I will try to be
happy for him," Violet said.
"I hope he is sincere."
"If he has found a
new path," Tan Man added, "it's got to be better than the one he was
on."
"Don't cost
anything to believe he's for real," Hoodie said.
"If he's not for
real, that'll come out eventually," Mike said.
Today I won't assume the negative about
anyone.
I will reserve the right to change my opinion
if new evidence appears.
Principles
"We need more
LeVaughns," I said to the group, venturing off-topic. "LeVaughn
believes in principles. He says that people
who bend principles with prejudice, emotion, and self-interest dig their own
graves, but bury generations with them. He even stands up for people he
disagrees with. His favorite quote is 'I may disagree with what you say, but I
will defend to the death your right to say it.'"
"You gotta like
that," Hoodie said.
"I do. People like LeVaughn make the world a safer
place."
Today I will be grateful for people who stand
up for principles.
Reminders
Later that afternoon
Tan Man poked his head into my office.
"Every time I walk past I see you staring at your bulletin
board. What are you looking at?"
"Oh, it's a list
of my goals for this year," I said pointing to a folded sheet of paper
tacked to the cork.
"Why is it folded
in half?" he asked.
"The other half lists
the goals I reached. I've been trying to
figure out which of the remaining goals I can accomplish before the end of the
year."
"Why would you
cover up the ones you've finished?"
"Because they're
done," I said, not sure what his point was.
He shook his head. "Folding that list is like building a
house then tearing it down before you build the next one. I say leave yourself a reminder of what
you've done before you move onto the next project."
"Good idea!"
"You guys should
be paying me to counsel you," he said with a smile.
Today I will remember what I've accomplished
as I look at what I need to do.
Specific Change
When I got home that
night I found three quarters, a dime, and a penny on my nightstand. I called my son into my room. "What's this?" I asked pointing to
the coins.
"Your change. Didn't you say you wanted change?"
"Yes change. Change from a twenty. A five dollar bill, a couple of ones. Real change."
"You should have
been more specific," he said.
"When you said 'change' I thought you meant coins."
My daughter poked her
head in the room. "Everyone knows
change means coins. You should have said
you wanted paper change."
"Is there a reason
you're agreeing with your brother?" I asked, more than a little
suspicious.
"No, but I need
money for the movies," she said.
"I need change.
Real change. Paper change," I said.
Today I will be specific about what I need.
Plans
The next morning my
wife had to get to work early. "I'll set my alarm for you," she said
as she left.
The alarm went off and
I rolled over to hit what I thought was the snooze button. An hour later I woke up, looked at the clock
and cursed. I had shaved the night
before, and laid out the clothes I wanted to wear. My wallet, cell phone, and keys were sitting
on my schedule, which was sitting on my laptop, ready for me to grab on my way
out the door.
"I had planned to
get in early today," I said to the dog.
She just yawned. There wasn't
much on her agenda. "I'll have to
figure out what I can do from home and what I can put off until after the
holidays." She wagged her tail.
Today I will accept plans may change, and adaptation can be as
important as preparation.
Ex-Celsius
I was curious as to the
meaning of 'excelsis' from the hymn
"Angels We Have Heard on High."
I made the mistake of asking my son and daughter, who both took Latin.
"It means
Fahrenheit," my son said. I looked
to my daughter, who just shrugged.
"It does not mean
Fahrenheit," I said.
"'Ex' means
something isn't what it used to be, right?
An ex-football player is someone who no longer plays football.
Ex-Celsius is something no longer measured in Celsius, so it has to be
Fahrenheit."
"Could be
Kelvin," my daughter said.
"I don't think
they had Kelvin back then," my son answered.
"I'm going to look
it up online," I said.
Today I will do a little research, I will look a little harder
for the truth.
The beginning of the end
When I walked into the
break room, The Other Ken and Krista were discussing the daytime clients. The gist of their conversation was most of
the daytimers were ready to be stepped down to weekly sessions.
I really liked this
group. Being in their company had taught
me many valuable lessons. But, I had to
agree with the two therapists, it was time for many of the clients to move on.
"Who is going
first?" I asked.
"Probably
Violet," The Other Ken said. Krista
nodded her head in agreement. And so it
began to end.
Today I will accept most good things come to
an end.
Thank you for your support
The next day Violet
told the group she was leaving. The group was happy for her, at least until
she asked for a favor.
"I want us all to
stay in touch with Calvin," Violet said.
A stunned silence followed.
"Why?" Barb
asked. "He ignored every bit of
advice we ever gave him. He killed a
young girl."
"He's learned his
lesson too late," Violet said.
"He's done something terrible.
But, the court will punish him.
He's one of us. It's our job to support him."
"You know we love
you, Violet," Tan Man said, "but I don't like being lumped in with
Calvin. He knew driving drunk could kill
someone, and he kept doing it."
Violet looked at each
group member in turn. "If you've driven drunk once, you could be in his
shoes." Another long silence
followed.
"What do you think
Ken?" Bob asked me.
I wasn't sure what I
thought. Eventually, I said,
"There's no way to enable him now, but I'd find it hard to support him."
"How many people
would get sober if they never did anything hard?" Violet asked. I knew she had a point.
Today I will try to support people, without
enabling, even when it's hard to do so.
No wasted talents
When it was his turn to
speak, Hoodie said he ran into a college scout who had seen him wrestle as a
sophomore.
"He told me to
call him when I got my GED," Hoodie said.
"I can't believe anybody still cares about my wrestling. When I
dropped out of school, I thought all the studying and all the wrestling had
been a waste of time."
Violet said, "As
I've gotten older I've learned there is very little useless knowledge, only
skills and information waiting to be used."
"A year ago, my
uncle fell down a hillside on a hunting trip," Mike said. "I used first aid I'd learned in the
Marine Corps when I was eighteen."
"I play the
flute," Barb said. "I've
played more since the breakup of my marriage than I had in the past twenty
years combined. It's so soothing."
Today I will be grateful for whatever I've
learned,
no matter how useful or useless it seems.
Tough guy
"Where was the
scout from?" I asked Hoodie.
"Duquesne,"
he said. After a pause he added, "Tough
to go back to school now."
"Tough to quit
drugs, bury your girlfriend, and hold onto your kid, but you did," Mike
said. "You got a plan?"
"It will take me
about a year to get my GED. In the
meantime, my old high school will let me practice with the team, see if I'm
still any good. I'll have to take the
SAT's."
"You'll make
it," Violet said. "I have faith in you!"
"If you get into
Duquesne, will you live on campus?" Barb asked.
"No, I'll
commute. Couldn't imagine living in a
dorm, away from Amber. See, there again it's gonna be tough. Somebody's gotta play with Amber when I'm
studying. Amber's grandparents can't do it all."
Mike looked around the
room and laughed. "Wonder where you
might find someone willing to play with Amber while you study? Listen kid, I've learned some things from
coaching. You're tougher than you
know. Having a solid plan makes a big
difference. And, there's probably
someone willing to help, if you're willing to let them."
Today I will accept I'm
tougher than I thought, and go from there.
Quack
"We have to write
an essay on why New Year's resolutions fail," my daughter said to me when
I got home that night. "We get
bonus points for using good examples, double bonus for metaphors, similes, and
analogies. You do know the differences
between the three, right?"
I pretended that I did,
even though I had no clue. I said,
"Three guys are trying to start their lawnmowers. The first guy pulls the starter cord again
and again and again without any success. He quits.
"The second guy
pulls the starter cord and nothing happens.
He checks the gas tank and pulls the cord again. Nothing happens. He checks the spark plug and pulls the cord
again. Nothing happens. He checks the oil and pulls the cord. Nothing
happens. Finally, he cleans the air
filter, pulls the cord, and the lawnmower starts.
"Before he pulls
the cord, the last guy does everything the second guy did. He pulls the cord and the lawnmower
starts."
"You're saying
before you start something, make sure you have all your ducks in a row,"
she said. I hoped she wouldn't ask me if
the ducks were a simile or a metaphor.
"If you're going
to lose weight, get rid of your binge foods, buy a pair of comfortable
sneakers, figure out what kind of cardio and weight training works best for
you. Do those things first."
"So how does AA
fit into your analogy?"
"AA is where I
found the sobriety duck herders. Almost
every endeavor has someone to help you get them all in a row. "
Today I will be grateful for duck herders.
Sleep
"I can't
sleep," a voice said. It took me a
second to realize the voice belonged to my son.
"You woke me up to
tell me that?"
"I thought you'd
want to know."
"Well if you can't
sleep, you might as well study for your History test," I said. Even in the dim light I could see in his
facial expression a lack of enthusiasm for this idea.
"Never mind,"
he said.
I waited fifteen
minutes before I checked on him. He was
fast asleep. In the morning he was his
usual upbeat self.
Today I will be grateful for a good night's
sleep.
(If I can't fall asleep, I will do something
I really don't want to, until I'm ready to sleep.)
For you
The next day Hoodie got
to group early. He was carrying a
fluorescent pink sweatshirt with "Boozeless Biddies Bowling" on the front, and "We may be old, but
our minds are still in the gutter…"
on the back.
"I'm guessing you
got that for Violet," I said, stating the obvious.
"It's that kind of
insight that makes you a good therapist," he said, laughing. "I was just going to get her a box of
chocolates as a going away present, but I really wanted to surprise her."
"Did you come up
with the saying on the back?" I asked.
"I did. I'm not a real creative person. It took me a
long time."
"I'm sure she'll
appreciate the effort."
"I'm sure she
will, too," Hoodie said with a smile.
"I'll be OK even if she's not grateful, you know? I wanted to do this, no matter how Violet
reacted. Does that make sense?"
"It does," I
said, "maybe because I have such keen insight."
Violet loved the
sweatshirt.
Today I will do something nice for someone
regardless of how I think they'll react.
Bradley and Stalin
Tan Man told the group
he was done at the end of the week. I
told him he could do a lot of good for his fellow recovering addicts.
"How so?" he
asked.
"It's all about
leadership," I said. "Bear
with me, it's a little complicated. Some
leaders need only walk in front to have others follow. Omar Bradley was that kind of general. Some leaders need a threat to make them
move. Typically it’s the one threatening
his people who builds the most statues of himself. Think Josef Stalin."
Hoodie looked at me
intensely. "I get it," he
said. "I do know what you
mean." He was clearly pleased with
himself. "The guy who's like
Stalin doesn't threaten anyone with a gun, but he makes it clear not following
his direction is a sure ticket to a relapse.
He doesn't build actual statues, but he dominates every conversation,
and he needs people gathered around him."
Bob picked up the
thread. He turned to Mike and said,
"Omar Bradley is like the guy at our Wednesday night NA, meeting. The one with the scars who sits there quietly
until someone asks him a question. That
man has been through it all, but he's as happy and calm as anybody I've ever
met. And wise. He's so wise."
Tan Man said, "I
don't see how that's me."
"No dude,"
Hoodie said, "that's you. You're Omar." The rest of the group agreed. Tan Man was the type of quiet leader that
good groups depended on.
Today I will be grateful for those who set
good examples, who quietly lead.
The next challenge
Over the next two weeks
all the g-NAts moved onto individual therapy or aftercare. A year later I ran into Bob at an AA meeting.
"How's the car
business?" I asked.
"It's good. I have somebody running that end of
things."
"That end of
things?" I asked.
"The oil change
places were doing so well, I bought a couple of carpet cleaning
franchises. I'm managing that part of my
business. It's a challenge."
I was happy for him,
but I had to ask, "What happened to kicking back and letting someone else
worry about business? Wasn't that your
plan?"
"The more clean
time I got, the more I needed to be doing something."
"So, do you like
the carpet cleaning business more than the oil change garages?"
"Not really. But once they're up and running, I'm going to
try something completely different!
Today I will look for the
next challenge.
Too Happy?
Not long after I spoke
to Bob, Wendy called. She said she was
doing well, and so was Barb. Barb was
dating Wendy's dad, and Wendy was thrilled.
"It's the happiest
I've seen him since my mom died," she told me. "I can't believe how things have fallen
into place."
"Do you think some
of his joy comes from you being clean and sober?" I asked. I meant it as a rhetorical question, but
Wendy sounded surprised.
"I guess so. I mean, he told me he was proud of me, but I
just thought that was what a dad was supposed to say. I'm thirty-two – it's not like I'm his little
girl and I brought home a good report card."
"I have a
daughter," I said. "She will
always be my little girl, and I'll always be proud of whatever she accomplishes. I'll bet your dad is more proud of you now
than he was when you made good grades."
I heard her crying
quietly. She said, "I'm so happy,
but now I'm scared. What if I'm getting too happy?"
I laughed. "As
long as you're not overconfident about your recovery, there's no such thing as
too happy."
Today I will enjoy whatever happiness comes
my way,
remembering that my happiness depends on my
sobriety.
Nice guys
A couple of years went
by before anyone heard from Mike. The
local papers announced he had been re-hired to coach football by the high
school that had fired him three years earlier.
His brother had also applied for the job.
Today I will be grateful when the good guy
wins.
