Trust Me

 Sue was having an emotional pregnancy, to say the least. When she saw me a week later, she ran up and hugged me, sobbing.  She broke away and stared at my white shirt. “Oh no, oh no, oh no!” she said. “I left makeup on your shirt. Your wife is going to kill you. I’m so sorry. Give me your phone, I’ll call her and explain.”

I laughed. “Dr. Deb is not going to be mad. She’ll joke about me making another woman cry, or ask me if I was flirting with a circus clown. No offense.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’ve never given her a reason to doubt me, mostly because I’ve been sober all these years.”

Sue smiled. “You’re boring and trustworthy. It may be a long time before anyone trusts me again.”

I said, “Trust is a precious commodity for people in recovery.  People don’t easily forget what we were like. I’m lucky that most of the people in my life haven’t seen me drunk.” I took a sip of coffee, smiled  and added, “Oh, and thanks for calling me boring.”

“You just implied I wear clown makeup.”

“Good point.”

Today I’ll be grateful for trust.

  

Dogged Determination ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Who’s Fooling Who?

I ran into Roger at the supermarket on my way home.

“When I got home my boat was gone,” Roger said. “I thought, oh shit, another Viking funeral. I ran into the house, but all my stuff was still there.”

“What happened to your boat?” I asked.

“She sold it to pay off my new bike,” Roger said.

“Seems fair,” I said.

Roger smiled. “I don’t know how she found out, but she did.  She was waiting to see if I’d confess.  I was only fooling myself, thinking I had gotten one by her.”

“It happens. How many people knew you had a drinking problem long before you admitted it?”

Today I’ll accept I may only be fooling myself.

Dogged Determination ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Obviously

Sam forwarded me a text from a student claiming he couldn’t turn in an assignment because he’d accidentally set it on fire. The student claimed he couldn’t send his homework as an attachment because the burning paper had set off the sprinkler system, shorting out his laptop.  The text was addressed to ‘Dr. Roker.’

I laughed at the excuse, but texted back asking who Dr. Roker might be.  Sam sent me a laughing emoji with a question mark. I texted back ‘what?’

He texted, ‘Here’s a clue or two. I’m a bald black man who’s lost a ton of weight. I’m obsessed with the weather. I’m about the same age as a certain nationally known weatherman.”

‘Oh,’ I texted back, ‘Roker is your nickname. I guess I missed the obvious.’

Many laughing emoji followed.  ‘Don’t sweat it, we all miss the obvious. I was 300 lbs. before I realized I was addicted to food. Josh is selling everything he owns to gamble and he can’t see it’s an addiction. Cara is too wrapped up in herself to see her marriage is crumbling.’

I spent the rest of the morning thinking about how missing the obvious hurts people, wondering if I was missing something.

Today I’ll try not to miss the obvious.

Dogged Determination ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Going Out with a Bang
The next day at work I got a call from someone wanting to make reservations at the rehab. I explained that we don’t take reservations, but I could help him schedule an evaluation.  He wanted to schedule one a week or so after New Year’s Eve.  I tried to explain that waiting was never a good idea. “I want to go out with a bang,” he said. “A big bang!”

Shame on me, I got frustrated and asked, “What kind of bang were you looking for?  We have the sad but almost comical bangs, like the drunken lady who trimmed her own bangs down to a quarter inch. We have the bang sound of breaking your wrist while trying to pee in a mailbox variety.”  He laughed.

I added, “We have dramatic bangs, like the bang of a gun shooting a guy in his own foot.  There’s the bang of two cars colliding. You might like the bang of a door slamming after you say something you can’t unsay or apologize away. And there’s the ever popular banging someone you shouldn’t.”

“You’re no fun,” he said, realizing I wasn’t joking.

“Wait, there’s more. We have silent bangs, like doors closing on opportunities missed.  Do you have kids?” He said he had three little girls.

“It’s not really a bang, but more of a click, when doors close in tiny hearts as they learn not to trust adults too busy chasing addictions to keep their promises.  Strange as it sounds, many kids who grow up with an addicted parent marry addicted people they can’t trust.”

“So what do you have any openings after January 4^th?” He asked. I fought the urge to bang my head against the desk.

Today I won’t go out with a bang.

Dogged Determination ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Happy Holidays!

Dogged Determination will return on Wednesday.

In the meantime, some holiday advice, whether you're in recovery or not:

-Don't drink the eggnog, whether it's spiked or not. Most people don't know 'nog' is a shortened form of a German word loosely translated as 'diarrhea during heart attack.'

-If you're in recovery any alcohol is a terrible idea, no matter what your drug of choice.

-Drinking at the office Christmas Party can have serious consequences as you might:

• Ask someone who isn't pregnant if they're having a boy or a girl.
• Laugh at someone's ugly Christmas sweater not knowing if they know it's ugly. (Funny on the TV commercial, not so funny in real life.)
• Photocopy your butt. Someone who repairs copiers told me the glass isn't made to support people. Folks break the glass, which has to be removed at the ER.
• Order things on the company credit card you later forget you ordered.  Do you want to explain to Finance why you ordered roofing nails for your law firm? Try to convince your boss you ordered "Leather Restraint" thinking it was a safety video for new, upscale seatbelts?

-Don't rationalize your use of chemicals, just this once, just one more time, or just to get through the holidays.

-Convince yourself anything that happens in 2018 stays in 2018. Loved ones, law enforcement, collection agencies, employers, and medical professionals may not know misdeeds from 2018 don't count in 2019.

So what can you do? Enjoy the holidays! There's much to love and celebrate this time of year that doesn't carry consequences into next year.

Judge Not

“Can I store my bike in your garage?” Roger asked me.

“There’s no room in my garage,” I said.  “Besides, sooner or later you’re going to have to tell your wife about the bike.”

“I want to make it later rather than sooner,”  Roger said. He said he'd ask Trevor.

Kim called to say Roger had called her about storing his motorcycle at her house.  “Can you believe how sneaky and spineless he’s being?” Kim asked me. I heard dogs barking in the background.

I laughed. “You gave in,” I said. “You got the dog.”

“No,” Kim insisted. “Well, yes but not right away. Cara took the dog home. I went to Cara’s house to just say hello. The dog followed me home.”

“You live in Zelienople. Cara lives in Wexford. The dog followed your car for fifteen miles?”

“No. He followed me to my car. Somehow he found his way into the backseat.” I didn’t have to say anything. I just waited. Kim added, “OK , I held the door open for him.”

“Didn’t your landlord tell you no new dogs?” I asked.

“He did, but when he comes over my neighbor is going to say the dog is his.”

“So who’s spineless and sneaky now?”

Another long pause. “The guy who was horsing around with Brat Boy, broke his wife’s expensive figurine, and borrowed money from his friends so he could replace it without taking money out of the checking account. I think he did that so his wife wouldn’t find out.”

Today I’ll be a little slower to judge people.

(No actual figurines were harmed in the writing of this blog.)

Dogged Determination ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

One Day

I wanted to go back downstairs for a cookie.  Craving cookies reminded me of how much I craved alcohol when I first got sober. I had told my first sponsor I didn’t think I could stay sober for an entire day because I craved booze so much. He pointed out that I didn’t have to.

“You have to stay sober the hours you’re awake.  If you subtract the hours you work, it’s only about eight hours you have to worry about.”

“That’s still a lot of time,” I pointed out.

“So carve it up. Go play basketball and cut two hours from that time. Go to a meeting and cut another couple hours.”

“When I’m in the car, I want to go get a beer,” I said. “It’s the transition from one place to the next, one hour to the next that gets me.”

“So figure out the route that takes you past the fewest bars. If it’s the long way around, that’s more time you’ve spent not drinking.  Keep moving during the transistions. Whatever you do, don’t spend your day thinking you never get through such a long day.”

As I thought about the cookies, I reminded myself that avoiding anything isn’t usually a daylong struggle. It’s really a few hours and some difficult transitions.

Today I’ll be grateful avoiding something ‘one day at a time’ doesn’t mean resisting it all day long.

Dogged Determination ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Cookie Monster

When I got home Christmas cookies overflowed from a platter on the kitchen table. I didn’t want a cookie, not the way I might want one with my coffee in the morning, or after dinner watching TV.

I wanted to roll in cookies. I wanted to scatter them across the floor and make cookie angels. I wanted to eat cookies until my bloated stomach, sugar-drenched brain, and battered pancreas formed a union to fight unfair working conditions.

My blood sugar had been a little high at my last checkup. Diabetes ran in my family. I wanted a working pancreas. I didn’t want to regain the weight I’d lost because of my blood test results.  I wanted to live as healthy a life as possible.  I trudged upstairs, away from the demon pastries.

Today I will choose what I want over what I want right now.

Dogged Determination ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Right

While I was talking to Sue, I saw Roger and Josh arguing. Josh stomped away.  I asked Roger what happened.

"Josh's mad I won't lend him money," Roger said.

"You did the right thing," Trevor said.  "You know where that money was going."

"I know, but when I started my shop, he lent me some money," Roger said. "He's furious."

Trevor said, "I get you feeling bad,  but what choice did you have? You couldn't enable his gambling, even if he was angry."

"Still doesn't feel right," Roger said.'

"Still was the right thing to do," I said.

Today I will try to do the right thing if it doesn't feel right.

Life and Black Coffee

After the meeting, Sue told me raising a child in a world in such turmoil terrified her.

I told her my mother was the youngest of six. She was born during the Great Depression. She watched her brothers leave one by one to fight WWII, not knowing if they were coming back. My father joined the Navy near the end of the war. They worried he might get called back to service during the Korean War.

My parents struggled financially most of their marriage. My father worked for a couple of companies that went out of business. She fought two bouts with lymphoma, nearly died while her kids were still young.  They raised us through the Cuban Missile Crisis and the Cold War, Vietnam and civil unrest, Watergate, and the Energy Crisis.

 I said, “But, my lasting memory of my mother is her sitting in a recliner in my living room, cup in hand, reading the paper, and smiling. Do you know what she taught me?”

“The world’s a horrible place?” Sue asked. “Disaster waits around every corner?”

“No. You’ll get through this. And, drink your coffee black. Like life, even if it’s a little bitter, it’s still sweet.”

Today I’ll accept the bitter with the sweet.

Dogged Determination ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

I’ll Make It Up To You

Cara’s phone rang.  She turned off the ringer. “Are you going to answer that?” I asked.

“No, it’s just my husband wondering when I’ll be home,” she said with a shrug.

“You take him for granted,” Billie said.

“I’ll make it up to him later,” Cara said. “Kim knows what I’m talking about.”

 Kim asked, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Billie said, “My ex was always going to make it up to me. Knowing he was doing something for me because he felt bad about not doing something else drained a lot of joy out of it. I felt like he was buying forgiveness for taking me for granted.”

“Oh brother,” Cara said. “Ask him in the morning if he feels taken for granted.”

Billie sighed, “You’ll never learn, Cara.”

Today I won’t take the people I love for granted.

Dogged Determination ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Nothing Changes

Sam laughed. “No doubt about it, my sister can be nuckin’ futs.  But you have to ask yourself why you date crazy people.”

Roger started to say something, but Trevor asked, “Remember the Viking funeral?”

Roger met his first wife outside the Westmoreland County courthouse. Neither was there for jury duty.  Five years into their marriage she did three months for aggravated assault after a bar fight. While she sat in jail, he hooked up with his seventeen-year-old neighbor who had given up babysitting to buy and sell pills her classmates stole from their parents. 

His first wife found out. When she was released, she put most of his belongings in his boat and towed it to the river.  She set his stuff on fire before pushing the boat out into the water, like a Viking funeral for his clothes, guns, and tools.  The boat was last seen heading downstream toward Cincinnati.  We had no trouble picturing his current wife doing the same, or worse when she found out about the new motorcycle.

“You’ve been sober decades, but your relationships haven’t changed because the women haven’t changed,” I said.  “If nothing changes, nothing changes. If nobody changes, nothing changes.

Today I’ll remember, if nobody changes, nothing changes.

Dogged Determination ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

To Your Health

Sam joined us. “Where’d you go?” I asked.

 “To call my sister and yell at her.” He held up a green refillable water bottle. “I drink lemon water all day long. Yesterday she put a ton of sugar in here. Said a little couldn’t hurt and she was only trying to make drinking enough water easier for me.”

“You don’t believe her?” I asked.

“Call me paranoid, but I think she’s sabotaging my diet.  Why would she do that?”

I thought he already knew, so I didn’t spare his feelings.  “When you’re heavy or on some crazy diet, she likes to look down on you. Taking care of you lets her play the martyr.  She gets to boss you around because you don’t feel good enough to fight back.  If you get healthy, all that goes away.”

He thought for a minute. “If I get healthy, the family’s attention might turn to her problems.”

I nodded. “Your sister isn’t the healthiest person I’ve met.”

Roger growled, “Ken means she’s a batshit crazy psycho-witch the Devil chased out of hell ‘cause he couldn’t stand that screechy voice one more second.” Roger had dated Sam’s sister.

Today I will accept unhealthy people aren’t always happy about other people getting healthy.

Dogged Determination ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Try Long Enough

Sue was at the meeting sitting with Billie and Cara. As Trevor, Roger, and I walked in she said, "It's the old guys!"  I tried to convince myself I wasn't that old, Sue was just really young, and I should be happy she was glad to see us.  We got our coffee and sat across from Billie, Cara, and Sue.

Sue said to Billie, "Most days I'm convinced being pregnant will absolutely keep me sober. Today I'm worried.  What if I can't do this?"

'"What if you can?" Billie asked Sue. She pointed out that Sue hadn't had a drink since she found out she was pregnant. Sue seemed unconvinced.

"I know," Sue said. "You never know until you try, but I’ve tried before."

Billie shook her head, "People try and fail, and don't try again. They never learn what they can do. You don't know what you can do until you do it." She looked at me.

 "Ask Ken if he thought he'd ever get sober.  He'll tell you he didn't think he could until he did."

I nodded. "Trying becomes doing if you try long enough."

Today I will try until I do.

Dogged Determination ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Need Deep 

Cara had convinced the group to start going to the same Monday night AA meeting.  Trevor, Sam, and I were standing outside when Roger rolled up on an enormous motorcycle.  I turned to Trevor and asked, “Is that the bike he wanted? The one he thought was a good investment?”

“You know anything about motorcycles?” Trevor asked me.

“I know they have two wheels and if you turn the thing on the handlebar they go vroom, vroom.”

“That bike cost more than your car. His crazy wife will kill him.”

I turned to Sam. “Is it at least a good investment?”

Sam shook his head “Not really.  Vehicles have to be classic and rare to gain in value. That bike is just expensive.”

I turned to Trevor who answered my question before I even asked. “Ken, he thought he needed it.  He convinced himself he couldn’t be happy without it.  He’s got at least four bikes already.”

“That’s crazy,” I said, sounding a more than a little judgmental.

“Remember when you thought you needed vodka to be happy?” Sam asked.  

Today I’ll ask myself why I ‘need’ something.

Dogged Determination ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Concerned

Later that day Billie texted me. She wanted to know if Trevor had seen anybody about his hand.

‘He’s not answering my texts,’ she wrote.  ‘I texted him about what could happen if his wound isn’t cleaned properly.’

‘You can bet he didn’t have it looked at. Text him again, skip the medical part and focus on how  you’re worried about him.’

‘No,’ she texted. ‘He’s a grown man. He needs to take care of this himself.’

I got her point. It wasn’t her job to make Trevor take care of himself. On the other hand, I thought it would have been good for him to know Billie wasn’t just being a nurse. She was concerned for him. He was lucky to have someone cared.

Today I’ll count myself lucky to have people concerned for me.

Dogged Determination ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Fighting with my Laptop

The next day I sat down to post my blog. I got an error message when I tried to open the file. Invalid path. I opened the directory looking for that file. Somehow the whole directory had gotten moved. I tried to move the directory back and got a message saying it would take seven minutes to copy the directory.

I cursed my laptop. "I don't want to copy the directory, I just want to open one file," I said, holding my coffee cup over the keyboard where the camera could see. "I'll pour this right into your guts."

The laptop wasn't intimidated. A message flashed saying it would take seven minutes to copy the directory. Twenty minutes later it let me know my file would be copied in six minutes and thirty seconds. "You suck at math," I said. "Seven minus twenty is not 6.5."

I hit cancel. My laptop whirred, made a clicking sound which I took as its way of laughing at me, and flashed a message telling me it was canceling my request and that would take six minutes.

"Now you've done it," I said. "I'm going to have to get the Task Manager." I opened Task Manager and canceled the canceling. "How you like that?" I said looking right into my laptop's camera eye.

I re-opened the directory. Half my files were gone. I cursed again, wrote a blog entry, and got myself another cup of coffee. "You win," I said to the laptop.  'Maybe a night sitting on Brat Boy's worktable, surrounded by the carcasses of all the electronics he's disassembled, will take a byte out of your stubbornness,' I thought.

Today I will accept I can't win them all. 

Glaciers and Cadillacs

“Where’s your car?” I asked Josh, not seeing his boat-mobile Cadillac from the 70’s.

“I downsized,” Josh said. He pointed to an older Honda two cars away. “It gets better gas mileage, friendlier to the environment.”

“Josh the environmental warrior,” Trevor said sarcastically.  The only thing Josh ever recycled was denial. The denial he used before he got sober became the arguments he used to convince himself he didn’t have a gambling problem.  He’d been caught pouring old paint into the storm drain in front of his house. Josh driving a smaller car had nothing to do with the environment. 

I suspected he’d sold his car to pay off gambling debts. Switching to a smaller car wasn’t a catastrophe, but it reminded me of a glacier melting. Sometimes small chunks of the glacier fall off. Not enough to even notice if you weren’t watching. The small chunks were a warning sign that much bigger pieces were about to fall. Boats too near the glacier were likely to get swamped when they fell.

 

Today I won’t ignore warning signs.

Dogged Determination ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Help

“Who bandaged your hand?” Billie the nurse asked.  She gestured for him to hold out his arm. He resisted, she shot him that look nurses and drill sergeants use to remind people who’s in charge.

“I did,” Trevor said as Billie unwrapped the gauze strip from his wrist and left hand.

“What did you do?” I asked staring at the open wound.

“I had a disagreement with a sander,” Trevor answered.  “Took the skin right off.”

“I’ll re-wrap it, but you should have that looked at,” Billie said.  “At a med clinic or a doctor’s office.”

“I will,” Trevor said. I knew he wouldn’t. Trevor thought of himself as the ultimate do-it-yourselfer. There was nothing he enjoyed more than not getting professional help.  From the leaky pipes in his basement, to the faulty wiring in his shop, Trevor fixed and installed things on his own, and not very well. I had no doubt he’d keep bandaging his own wound until his hand fell off.

“There are things you fix on your own,” I said to Trevor. “And there at times you get help. I brush my teeth, but I don’t fill my own cavities.” He rolled his eyes.

Today I will seek professional help if I need it.

Dogged Determination ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Sooner Rather Than Later

After the funeral we walked to our cars.  Someone had placed a rose on Kim’s windshield. 

“Ooh, what did you do to get a rose?” Cara asked.

“Nothing,” Kim said shaking her head. “I went out with this guy Tony.  He was nice but not my type. He’s been after me to see him again.  I’ve gotten a couple of cards from him and some text messages.  I guess he’s upping his game.”

Trevor picked the rose from the windshield with his heavily bandaged right hand.  He turned the flower over and over again, looking at it like it was evidence.  “Do you want me to talk to this Tony? Maybe help him see the light?”

Kim laughed. “Tony is harmless. He’ll get tired of this and move on.”

Trevor looked at the rose again, looked at Kim. “Alright, but let me know if he bothers you anymore.” Trevor had really never stopped being a cop at heart.  “Always best to deal with problems sooner rather than later.”

Today I will deal with problems sooner rather than later.

Dogged Determination ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/