A Moment

The next morning I got to work early.  I set my coffee on my desk and called up the website to punch in. A shudder passed through me.  

When I had moved from clinical work to training, I thought I was done with paperwork. I couldn’t have been more wrong. The form I had to complete that day was online. I’d completed it several times before, but never on the first try.

They wanted the usual information: goals for each hour of training; a pre-test, a post-test, and an evaluation form; and copies of all texts used.   They also wanted my personal cell phone number and a promise to be available 24/7 to answer any questions they might have; a description of my agency including an organizational chart, and high school and college transcripts and/or military service records for all employees above or below manager level; and a lock of my hair and a blood sample to be sent separately at my expense.

The form ended with two warnings. Cutting and pasting from previous applications would disqualify me and my agency.  They would freeze my assets, imprison my children, and kick my dog.  The form suggested I not exaggerate on my resume because ‘they had ways of knowing’ who was lying.  They would be monitoring my phone calls and internet activity.

I sighed, started to punch in, and changed my mind.  “Today I’m going to drink my coffee before I go to work,” I said to my laptop. “Today I’m going to enjoy a moment before I climb the mountain.”

Today I will enjoy a moment before I climb the mountain.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Foggiest Idea

“I saw you kiss Sam’s sister at the shed-warming party,” I said to Roger. “Are you two getting back together?”

“Not now,” he said. “Just once I’m gonna wait until my head clears before I start something new.”

Roger  had met his first wife at the Westmoreland County Courthouse when his mind was fogged with the possibility of spending the next 24 to 39 months in lockup.  The stabbing ended that marriage. His second wife had been a nurse in the ER. That marriage lasted ten years, mostly because she worked nights and they rarely saw each other. He met his third wife as his long-term love affair with alcohol and cocaine was ending.

Roger added, “When you’re in the fog, when the dust hasn’t settled, you want to find something to hold onto.  But because you can’t see so well, you latch onto anything.  Better to still your mind and wait for the sadness and confusion to pass.”

“Not easy to do,” I said, “But a good idea.”

Today, and in the future, I won’t make decisions in a fog.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Moving On

“My wife and I talked about the divorce,” Roger told me as we walked to the parking lot.

His first marriage had ended with the two of them riding off in different directions, he in an ambulance, and she in the back of a police car.  Although he’d spent time in and out of jails and prisons, the only person to shank him in the shower had been his first wife.

“How’d it go?” I asked, not sure I wanted to hear the answer.

“It was sad, but hopeful.”

“Hopeful?” I asked, wondering if he meant they were going to work things out. He didn’t.

“I’m hopeful we’re both ready to move on to a better life.  It’s easier to walk away if you don’t drag all the pain and resentment with you. We had some good times.  We laughed about some things.  We let go of the rest of it.”

Today I will remember moving on is easier if you don’t drag the past along with you.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

I’d Rather Laugh About It

The Youngstown Kid finished his story fifteen minutes after the meeting was supposed to end. I forced myself to get in line to shake his hand and thank him for sharing.

When it was my turn he looked at my gray hair and said, “Bet that was the best lead you heard in a while old-timer.”

I smiled at him, mulling over my answer. It occurred to me that my arms were much longer than his. He was wearing a tie. I could grab his tie with one arm and smack the smug out of him with the other.

I had been a therapist for many years and decided smack therapy might not be the best clinical approach.  Besides, going to jail would set a bad example for my kids.

“It was the best lead I heard tonight,” I said, not wanting to argue with him. He’d shared his story, and deserved a pass from criticism.

“Thought so!” he said.  I laughed. He laughed, apparently not catching the sarcasm. Trevor, who was standing in line behind me laughed.  

Today I’ll laugh rather than argue.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Patience II

Some AA speakers are inspirational. Others are funny. A few have changed the way I look at life. At least once or twice a speaker has made my eyes mist over.  The speaker that night did none of those things.

He was a tall skinny guy in his forties wearing cowboy boots, tight jeans, a plaid shirt, and a cowboy hat.  I thought he might be from Dallas or maybe Oklahoma.

“Yinz shoulda seen me,” he said in the heaviest Pittsburgh accent I’d ever heard.  “I was the best lookin’ kid in Blawnox.”

“A boring-as-hell cowboy Yinzer,” Trevor whispered. “Let’s hope he goes on and on.” And he did.

He said because everybody loved him, they let him drink underage. People who didn’t love him were jealous. That made him sad, which made him drink more.

He dropped out of college when he realized he knew more than the professors. Seeing his drinking was getting out of control, he moved west, to Youngstown, Ohio. 

He reminded me of a conversation I’d had years ago with my first sponsor. The speaker was describing in excruciating detail all the modifications he’d made to the cars he’d wrecked.

“What am I supposed to learn from this,” I’d asked my sponsor. 

“Patience,” he had answered.

As I listened to the Youngstown Kid, I decided I could learn a little patience, or dwell on my frustration and boredom, maybe get a headache in the process.

Today I will learn patience.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

 Something’s Rotten

The first person I saw at Monday Knights AA meeting was Trevor.  I said hello.

“Dead things rot,” Trevor said, pursing his lips and looking at the wall to the left of my head.

“Wet birds don’t fly at night,” I said, quoting an old TV show. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“Our marriage has started to rot. My wife has three new male friends. I kissed Sam’s sister.” 

“No chance of fixing it?”

“It’s over, but neither of us wants to go through another divorce. She reminds of the perfect cellmate. I like her, but I’d really rather be somewhere else.”

“Now what?” I asked.

“We admit the marriage is dead, bury it before it rots more.”

He took a gulp of coffee and continued. “It’s like addiction. Addiction is the rotting phase of drug use. All the control is dead.  The fun has passed away.  All the problems the addiction causes are rot.”

I wondered if there were dead things in my life I needed to bury.  I made a list of habits and beliefs whose usefulness had long ago died away.

Today I will bury whatever is dead in my life before it starts to rot.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Patience

When I got to my office I started writing an outline for my next book.  The evil viruses that had taken up residence in my throat and lungs woke up, and I began to cough.  I trudged to the office kitchen for a cup of coffee. It hurt to swallow.  

Seated at my desk again, I stared at what I’d written fifteen minutes earlier. It wasn’t good. It wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t good.

What to do? I stalled. I sent Dr. Deb a text with heart emojis. I sent another to Blondie with a heart and a puppy face.   

Brat Boy and I exchanged our usual jabs. I wrote that he shouldn’t be ashamed his girlfriend dated him out of pity, it showed she had a good heart.  He speculated that his mother must have done something horrific in a past life to end up married to me in this one. My last text read, ‘lol, love you.’ He texted back, ‘love you Dad.’

I looked again at what I’d written. I started revising, but the gears in my head turned slowly. My cold was slowing me down.  

“Some days you just have to be patient with yourself,” I said to my laptop.  “Some days progress is measured in inches not miles.”

Today I’ll be patient with my progress.

 Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Context
Her name was Audrey and I asked her if she followed politics at all. She shook her head.

“Some politician is always accusing the media or his opponent of taking his words out of context,” I said. “Sometimes you hear the whole story and agree. Other times you think the politician is just making excuses.”

“Not sure what that has to do with me,” Audrey said.

“As you look back on your life, you gotta ask yourself, ‘am I taking this out of context?’”

“I still don’t follow you.”

“You say you abandoned your sister. That seems bad. Put in context, you were a scared sixteen-year-old desperate to escape an abusive father. Your choices were limited.”

“I know but that sounds like an excuse.”

“No,” I said. “An excuse would be blaming your father’s drinking when really you just wanted to move in with your boyfriend.”

“When you look back, put your life in context,” she said, nodding. “Do you do that?”

I laughed.  “Not until I’m done beating myself up for something I did or said thirty years ago. Then I’ll look back and put it into context.”

Today I’ll put my past in context.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

What a Pain

I was late to work the next day. A woman who’d just started the program was smoking next to the sign that said no smoking in this area. She shrugged when she saw me and ground out her cigarette.

“You OK?” I asked.

 “My father was an abusive drunk,” she said fighting back tears. “When I left home, my little sister was alone with that devil.  She suffered much more than I did. She should be here, not me.”

“What would you do if you broke your leg on the way to see a friend who had been in a horrific accident and was in a full body cast?” I asked.

“I’d get the leg fixed and see my friend,” she said.

“Right. Because you don’t have to be in the most pain to get help. You’ll be better able to help someone if you take care of your pain.”

“Still feels bad,” she said with a sigh.

Today I may have to deal with my pain to help someone hurting worse.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Worse Becomes Worst

As we were all leaving I pulled Cara and her husband aside.  “If you guys want to see someone for counseling, I can get you a few names,” I said, feeling awkward.

Cara laughed and pulled her husband closer. “We’re just fine now, thank you very much!” Cara said, laughing. He nodded in agreement.

Sticking my nose in even further where it didn’t belong, I said, “Cara, you blew up his car.”

“It shows she’s passionate about our marriage,” Cara’s husband said.  “Besides, it’s not like I was in the car.  There are worse things wives have done to their husbands.”

“So, until one of you does the worst possible thing imaginable, you’re going to pretend the whole blowing up the parking lot thing didn’t happen?”

They looked at each other, shrugged in unison, and laughed.  I shook my head and remembered my mother telling me not to wait until ‘worse becomes worst.’

Today I won’t wait for worse to become worst.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Torture

“Hey, you never told me if you accepted the chairmanship of your department,” I said to Sam.

“Turned it down,” Sam said, smiling.

“Glad to hear it,” I said. “I know you really didn’t want to be an administrator. Was it tough to do?”

Sam pulled out his phone, tapped an icon, and showed me a list. “Pros and cons of taking the job,” he said.

I scrolled and scrolled, and scrolled some more. “Sam, there’s gotta be a hundred items here,” I said.

Sam laughed. “I tortured myself for days over the decision, thinking I really didn’t want it, but the dean would be mad if I didn’t accept the promotion. I thought I might get fired, or at least demoted. Do you know what he said?”

I shook my head. “Couldn’t guess.”

“He said he thought I would have made a great department chairman, but he was glad I wouldn’t be spending any less time teaching.  I tortured myself for nothing. I wasn’t going to drink over it, but I let something that never happened, never was going to happen, rob me of my serenity. Won’t do that again.”

Today I won’t torture myself over things that may never happen.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Consider the Source

Sam turned to Billie and said, “While we’re talking about old sayings, here’s one more: ‘consider the source.’”

“Doesn’t that mean consider why someone is being negative?” Trevor asked.  “Usually people talking trash have their own issues.”

“Usually, but in this case it means Billie should consider all the people telling her they like the new guy,” Sam said. “Consider the source, Billie. The people telling you to give the new guy a chance love you and want what’s best for you.”

“I know,” Billie said, “But still…”

I thought Sam made a good point. Many times in my life I hadn’t considered the source. Instead, I’d ignored good advice out of anger or frustration. Other times I’d heard only what I wanted to hear.  The times I’d listened to people with my best interests at heart, things had turned out well.

Today I will consider the source.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Measured Response

As I was saying goodbye, I heard a loud pop. Flame sprouted from the electrical panel on the wall of the shed. Roger sprayed the flames with the fire extinguisher he’d bought Trevor as a shed-warming present.

“Good thing you had the extinguisher,” Trevor said to Roger.

“I’m gonna pay for the rewiring,” Roger said, putting his arm around Trevor’s shoulders. “If you touch it, I’ll break your legs.” I knew Roger was kidding, but I hoped Trevor got the message.  

“You know what they say,” Sam chimed in, “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.”

“I don’t see how that applies,” Trevor said, eyeing the electrical panel, now covered in a fine white powder.

Billie said, “The effort it took Roger to threaten you is the ounce of prevention.    He’s hoping it’s enough so he doesn’t have to make the larger effort of breaking your legs later, which would be the pound.”

Sam said to Trevor, “Put another way, if you touch that wiring again, we’re going to cure your DIY delusions by pounding on your thick head.”

“Oh,” Trevor said, stepping back from his friends gathered in front of him.

Today I’ll remember an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Circus

We left the hospital and went to Trevor’s shed-warming party.  I thought the whole idea of a shed-warming was a bit crazy.  Little did I know how crazy the night would be.

Cara and her husband showed up together. Apparently blowing up his car had reignited the passion between them.

Billie’s new boyfriend seemed like a great guy, which made Billie all the more suspicious of him.  She asked me what I thought he was up to, just sitting there, laughing and having a good time with her friends.

Trevor had felt the need to rewire some of the wiring done by the electrician. A circuit breaker kept tripping. Somebody stole the wiper blades from Kim’s boyfriend’s car. 

Sam brought his sister. Roger asked her where she parked her broom.  Sam’s sister said even Roger’s insults were unimaginative, which is what she’d expect from someone so bland, pale, and old.  Later that night I saw them kiss behind the shed.

Near the end of the night Sam and I agreed we’d had a good time, despite the craziness.

“Watching the circus is fun,” Sam said. “As long as you don’t let anybody make you one of the acts.”

Today I won’t be part of the circus.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Baby Katie

Four days later Sue had a healthy little girl she named Katie.  We all met at the hospital, including Jack. Jack, the toughest guy I knew, cried as he held the baby.

“You named her after my wife?” Jack asked.

“That way she’ll always be with us,” Sue answered, wiping away her own tears.

Today I’ll be grateful for people not forgotten.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/