2020 Vision will return Tuesday, January 2, 2018.

In the meantime, here's an excerpt from Writing My New Story:

22. Lightening the Load

“What does burden you?” Blondie asked.  “Other than the shame of being Brat Boy’s father.”  

My son snorted.  “Raise your hand if your team won the summer league championship,” my son said, raising his hand. “What? Just me?  I’m the only one who gave his poor father something to be proud of?  Wow, the burden of carrying a non-championship-winning daughter.  That’s gotta weigh heavy, huh Dad?”

“Ignore him,” Blondie said.  “What does weigh you down?”

I told her how not accepting certain things added to my burden.  “I hate getting older.  Political shenanigans.  Heroin dirt cheap and easily accessible.  Docs handing out painkillers like they were jelly beans.   There’s no such thing as an Oreo and buttered popcorn diet, to name a few.”  I added, “The good news is that to ease my burden, all I have to do is let it all go. I just need to do what I can, and accept what I must.”

Today I will ease my burden, I will let go.

Writing My New Story (c) 2015 by Ken Montrose

Writing My New Story is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

2020 Vision will return on Tuesday, January 2nd,  2018.

In the meantime, I hope you enjoy excerpts from past publications:

Hill Climbing (from AArdvarks)

Later that night my daughter was sitting next to me, reading a book for school. I had my laptop open.

"Whatcha doing?" she asked.

"Writing," I said.

"Writing is when you tap the keys and words appear," she said.  "What you're doing is staring at the screen." 

"Sometimes writing is all uphill.  I can't find a topic and I can't make the characters speak."

"So why do you write when it's uphill?  Why don't you wait until it's easier?"

"Because when I finally write something, it's like getting to the top of the hill.  My mind opens up and the writing gets easier.  Topics appear and the characters speak to me.  It's like running downhill when you're feet can't move fast enough to keep up with your body.  I can't type fast enough to get the words on the page. I think a lot of life is like that.  If you climb the hill you get to coast a little until the next one."

"Well Daddy, stop staring and start climbing that hill!  Why don't you write something about me?"

"I think I will, kid."

Today I will climb the mountain, knowing I may get to enjoy a downhill run.

AArdvarks ©2013  by Ken Montrose

AArdvarks  is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Sunday, February 23^rd, 2020

Replacement

Out of the blue, MaryJo said, “Hey, you drink coffee like a fiend, but you never eat donuts.”

“About three years ago my sugar levels were elevated,” I said. “Diabetes runs in my family so I cut out sweets, and cut back on carbs.”

“That sucks,” Rudy said, “You quit drinking, and then you had to give up cookies and cake.”

“Not really,” I said. “I learned early on you don’t give things up, you replace them. I replaced drinking with family, work, and the gym. I replaced sweets with spicy food. Both have made a lot healthier.”

Today I won’t give up, I will replace.

2020 Vision ©2017 by Ken Montrose

2020 Vision is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Saturday, February 22^nd, 2020

Awful or Unknown

“What’s up with you?” I asked Rudy.

“Something strange, something bad,” Rudy said. MaryJo punched him.  “Okay, I don’t know it’s bad, but it is strange. My stepbro offered to drop the charges if I let him sell my share of the dealership.”

“That’s it?” I asked. “He sells it, but you keep the money? Doesn’t seem so bad.”

“He’s up to something. Remember what Michael that Viking-looking guy said?”

“He probably IS up to something,” Mary Jo said, “You don’t know what it is, but worst case, he sells your half of the dealership and you walk away clean, money in your pocket.”

“No, he’s going to end up with all my money somehow,” Rudy insisted.

MaryJo rolled her eyes and said, “Rather than seeing a dermatologist, why don’t you just assume that freckle is cancer? Don’t talk to a financial expert, sell all your stocks, and stuff the money under your mattress because the next great depression might be right around the corner.”

“What’s she saying?” Rudy asked me.

“She’s saying you don’t know what’s happening so you’re filling the blanks with something awful.”

Today I won’t substitute the awful for the unknown.

2020 Vision ©2017 by Ken Montrose

2020 Vision is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Saturday, February 22^nd, 2020

Break Uneven

When I got to the meeting Mary Jo and Rudy were in their usual spots.

I sat down next to Mary Jo and pointed to her empty plate. “You ate a whole donut?” I asked. “Progress.”

She said, “Yesterday I had a grapefruit. That’s all. I didn’t even finish it. Today I ate three big meals and two donuts. I’m getting better, but it’s two steps forward, one step back.”

I said, “I remember my first year clean. Some days I couldn’t believe how much fun I was having sober.  Other days I wanted to punch the next happy person I saw.”

“You ever break up with someone, and you know it’s the right thing to do, but a couple days go by and a song on the radio reminds you of what you liked about them, and then you’re all sad, and thinking maybe I shoulda given her another chance?” Rudy asked.  “No matter what you’re recovering from, it never goes evenly. Up and down, happy and sad, until you’re finally better.”

Today I’ll remember the pace of recovery is almost never even.

2020 Vision is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Saturday, February 22^nd, 2020

What I Meant to Say …

Before I left for the AA meeting, Luke called to see what I thought of his book. I meant to say ‘Your book shines a light on the workings of a deeply disturbed mind. Confederate veterans sank the Titanic? Burn all copies, scatter the ashes, and never speak of this again.’  What came out of my mouth was, “I thought it was an interesting theory.”

“You did?” he said. “Thanks! It means a lot to me. I can’t wait to see the revisions you made. Check the Acknowledgements page when it gets published, your name will be on top.”

And there was my punishment for lying, by what I didn’t say rather than what I did say.  I could see Luke’s acknowledgment in my mind:  “The author would like to thank Ken Montrose, who spent his career helping people with mental illness and addiction find and deal with reality. Without him, this farfetched, paranoid, stroll down conspiracy lane wouldn’t be possible.”

Today I’ll say what needs to be said.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  2020 Vision is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Friday, February 21^st, 2020

Healthy Routine

By Saturday, restlessness gripped me. Nothing much had happened that week. I started telling myself I was in a rut.

I turned on the news -- people destroying their lives in the old familiar ways: sex, drugs, gambling, eating, etc.  Flipping through the channels I saw people using advanced technology to ruin their lives. Some of them had really been creative, certainly those who combined alcohol, a cell phone, and the internet to become famous for all the wrong reasons.

Living a productive life seemed like much more of an accomplishment. Maybe in today’s world a rut was just another name for a healthy routine.

Today I won’t mistake a healthy routine for a rut.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                    2020 Vision is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Monday, February 17^th, 2020

Of Harnesses, Cough Syrup, & Snakes

It wasn’t until I hung up that I remembered Jack’s first draft wasn’t due until the 28th. He had two weeks with nothing else to do, except curl up with a good book and a bottle of prescription cough medicine. Probably without the book.   

I knew what he was feeling.  Deadlines used to be snakes coiled in the corner. A smart person would, sooner rather than later, harness their energy, knocking off the snake before it got bigger and nearer. Not me.

As a deadline slithered closer, my anxiety would grow.  I’d hide by doing less important things. My anxiety would red-line.

In college I’d start a twenty-page paper, on something I knew nothing about, on a Friday at midnight. Thirty-five cups of coffee later, I’d finish it 3:00 a.m. the Monday it was due, shaking and swearing I’d never procrastinate again. Or, I’d get drunk instead, and hope I could get an extension. I got really good at weaseling second chances, extensions, and make-up exams.

When I got sober, I knew anxiety drove a lot of my drinking. I’d have to quit putting things off. That’s when I learned a lot of anxiety is unharnessed energy. It can be used to kill the snake, avoiding the need to get drunk, and/or beg for another extension. The trick was to harness it early, before it became red-line fear.

I called Jack again.

Today I will harness my anxiety.

2020 Vision ©2017 by Ken Montrose

2020 Vision is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Monday, February 17^th, 2020

Playing the System

I called Jack every Monday to compare notes on our writing careers. That Monday’s conversation didn’t go well.

“I’m going to miss my first deadline,” he said. “But, I can get a note from my doctor saying I was too sick to write.”

“Why don’t you just tell the publisher your dog ate your homework?” I asked. “Tell the publisher aliens abducted you, probed you, and now you can’t sit at your desk to write.”

“If I’m sick I can get an extension. It’s in my contract.”

“Jack you and I have been friends for a long time, but I gotta tell you, you’re playing the system. You got a prescription, but you didn’t really need that cough syrup. That’s playing the medical system. If you hadn’t gotten the cough syrup, you wouldn’t need an extension.  Using that extension is playing the contract system. This isn’t going to end well.”

Like a man clinging to a life raft, he clung to his original argument. “It was prescribed. It’s in the contract.”

Today I won’t play the system.

2020 Vision ©2017 by Ken Montrose

2020 Vision is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Sunday, February 16^th, 2020

No Kidding

After Jill hung up, I opened my laptop. It had been a week since I had left my job to write.  I hadn’t written a line.

“I’m doing research,” I said to the dog. She stared at me, disbelieving. I opened my browsing history to show her.  The articles I’d read and the sites I visited didn’t seem to be related to recovery: “Basstrological Signs: Your Fishing Horoscope,”  “Today’s Ferret Farmer,” “SHTF Cooking: Recipes for the End of the World.”  The only site remotely tied to addiction was “Political Junkie” a website for addicted people wanting to run for office.

The dog looked at me, disappointment written all over her face.  “I know what you’re thinking,” I said. “You think I’m kidding myself. That I didn’t do anything all week.”  She yawned.

“Fine,” I said. “I’ve been frozen in the headlights, wondering if I really want to spend my last days writing. I’ve been stalling, but I’m done kidding myself. Tomorrow I’ll start writing.” I found a website on being your own blacksmith.

Today I won’t kid myself about what I’m doing.

2020 Vision ©2017 by Ken Montrose

2020 Vision is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Sunday, February 16^th, 2020

Heart, Mind, Brain, and Bad Places

“Jack’s going to miss his first deadline,” Jill said. “His publisher wants a revised first draft by the end of the month. I hate him.”

I laughed. She didn’t. “You still love him,” I said.

“I do,” she said, sounding none too happy about it.

“He loves you.”

“Then why did he relapse? He knew it would hurt me.”

“Relapse is like a computer virus,” I said. “The brain is the computer. The mind runs the computer, with the heart looking on.  Sometimes the mind takes the brain to places it shouldn’t, places infected with the relapse virus. Those places can be real, like a bar where the alcoholic thinks she’ll just drink Pepsi. They can be thoughts, like the sex addict lost in erotic daydreams at work.  The heart and mind want to do the right thing, but the virus hijacks the computer.”

Jill said, “Maybe.”

I said, “Once you got the virus, your priorities change. When you’re dope sick, you can have the most loving heart, and the best intentions, but you gotta get it in you, no matter who gets hurt. ”

 I reminded myself I wasn’t immune to the relapse virus.

Today I will keep my brain away from sketchy places.

2020 Vision ©2017 by Ken Montrose

2020 Vision is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Sunday, February 16th, 2020

Not to Worry

Jill called to see if I could give Jack a ride to an NA meeting. She asked if he’d really gone to AA on Saturday. 

Like me, Jill had a vivid imagination that leaned to the dark side. Years of teaching grade school had convinced her disaster lurked around every corner.  

“I worry that Captain Codeine is home burning his lunch, trying to decide which cough syrup, red or purple,  goes with red meat,” Jill said. “He’ll probably set the house on fire.”

“Red,” I said.  “Purple goes with fish.”

She chuckled, but let out a sad sigh.  “I picture KC and his pregnant girlfriend living in a New York bus station, fighting rats for the leftovers he’ll bring ‘home’ from his job bussing tables in one of the Big Apple’s finest soup kitchens.”

“I think you’re getting a little ahead of things,” I said.

“I know. But they’re worrying me to death.” She sounded like she might cry. 

Today I will give loved ones less to worry about.

2020 Vision ©2017 by Ken Montrose

2020 Vision is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Sunday, February 16^th, 2020

Imagine That

Blondie called the next day. “I heard a few things about the office in Bleak,” she said. “Living in the desert has some drawbacks.”

I braced myself. Since the first time she told me about Bleak, I had been torturing myself, imagining the horrors may baby girl might face. Rattle snakes and scorpions. Coyotes the size of St. Bernards, Devil-worshippng biker gangs. An alien landing zone. One-eyed drifters with mysterious radiation burns.  The Walking Dude from a Stephen King novel. Mad Max.

Years earlier, I delayed getting sober because I imagined sobriety would be miserable. I had thought I was staring into a boozeless abyss of boredom and sadness. I had expected to meet a few nice people at AA, but mostly toothless old men who had burned holes in their livers drinking rubbing alcohol. I had pictured myself staring at a wall calendar, waiting for the sun to go down so I could cross off another dull day, a glass of cold water in hand.

“People get a little bored sometimes, especially toward the end of the year,” Blondie said. I felt some tension drain from my body.

“No giant coyotes?” I asked. “No secret alien meth labs? Just boredom?”

“Just boredom,” Blondie said. She paused and added, “I worry about you, Daddy.”

Today I won’t let my imagination ruin my day.

2020 Vision ©2017 by Ken Montrose

2020 Vision is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Saturday, February 15th, 2020

By Comparison

Michael gave Rudy a long look as he shook his hand after the meeting.

“I know your brother,” Michael said. “I knew your dad.”

“Stepbrother,” Rudy corrected him.

“What you did was #@%@ing stupid, but I got some advice for you. Hire a forensic accountant.  Somebody to go over the books.” Michael paused and looked around. “Can’t say more, but working the ambulance crew you get to know some cops.  They have a really low opinion of your jackass stepbro.”

After Michael left, Rudy said, “I hate my stepbrother, but I always thought he was a pillar of the community. Never thought I could step out of his shadow.    Now I wonder what Michael was talking about.”

“I don’t know,” I said. “I do know you should stop comparing yourself to your stepbrother, especially since you don’t know who he really is. They say you should only compare yourself to who you want to be.”

Today I will compare myself with who I want to be.   

2020 Vision ©2017 by Ken Montrose

2020 Vision is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Saturday, February 15^th, 2020

Smart Enough?

The speaker was a friend of Phil’s from the Army named Michael.  He bounced to the podium and hugged Phil. Gripping the podium with his massive hands, he lifted it two feet off the ground, letting it slam back down. He grinned from ear to ear at the sound.

 His name was Michael, but he could have said “Holgar Skullsplitter” and nobody would have been surprised.  I wondered if he’d leave the meeting early to row his Viking longboat down the Ohio River, pillaging as he went.  

“My name is Michael, and I’m a @%(*&$#  alcoholic!” he said.  Michael should have died more times than he could count.  When he got out of the Army he tried to stay numb, but his addictions led to him being shot, hit by a car, and beaten. He’d OD’d several times.

The last time he OD’d “a  *#&^%$#  light went the  *&^#^$  off.”  He didn’t want to die trying to stay numb. Good or bad, he wanted to experience life. At first, life was mostly bad. Because he’d survived, he felt he owed the world something.  Michael worked as an EMT, volunteered at an animal shelter, and sponsored a dozen recovering men. He helped coached grade school wrestling, and I couldn’t help but wonder what new words the kids added to their vocabularies at his practices.

“I’m a stupid &%$#@*,” he said near the end of his talk. “I had to damn near die a boatload of times before I embraced the *&^$ing *&^# out of life. No more numb for me. I hope you guys are smarter than I was.”

Today I hope I’m smart enough to embrace life.

2020 Vision ©2017 by Ken Montrose

2020 Vision is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Saturday, February 15^th, 2020

Nothing Personal

Jack didn’t really stumble into the AA meeting, he shuffled.

“Before anybody says anything,” Jack said, “I’m on prescribed medication, that’s why I’m moving a little slow.”

 “Have you talked to your sponsor about the cough syrup?” I asked. “You’re not taking it as prescribed.”

“He said I relapsed, and I should change my clean date. He wanted me to start working the steps again. I told him I was getting a new sponsor.”

Jack’s sponsor was a Korean War vet named Emilio that everyone called Yoda because he was wise and looked a little like the Jedi master. I couldn’t believe Jack had rejected his advice.

I thought I’d learned to detach from other people’s recovery and addiction, never taking anyone’s relapse personally. Jack’s relapse was killing me.  “Jesus is going to be your new sponsor,” I said. “I swear, I’m gonna send you to that big rehab in the sky.”

“You’re making a mountain out of a molehill,” he said. We argued until the meeting started. I had to let it go.

Today I won’t take it personally.

2020 Vision ©2017 by Ken Montrose

2020 Vision is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Saturday, February 15^th, 2020

At this moment

Rudy and MaryJo were both at the AA meeting. Rudy sat quietly, completely out of character for him.

“What’s up?” I asked Rudy.

He said, “Something. Something strange. Something bad.”

“His brother hasn’t said or done anything since Rudy got arrested,” MaryJo said. “Rudy’s making himself crazy worrying about what he’s planning.” She smacked him in the back of head with a bony hand.

“You don’t understand,” Rudy answered. “My stepbrother never misses a chance to rub my nose in it. I should have gotten a ton of phone calls and texts telling me how he was gonna drag me through court, take all my money, and send me to jail. He’s up to something, something bad.”

“Or,” MaryJo said, “He’s got a reason not come after you. Did you ever think of that?”

Rudy shook his head, too beaten down to hold onto that much hope.

“You don’t know what he’s up to,” I said. “You do know you’re OK right now, in this moment. Drink your coffee, eat your donut, and to hell with your stepbrother.”

Rudy shrugged. It was the best he could do. 

Jack stumbled in.

Today I will live in the moment.

2020 Vision ©2017 by Ken Montrose

2020 Vision is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/