It’s Time
Boo was having a bad day when I got to work. When she saw me, she limped down the hallway to my cubicle. She was wheezing as I put her on my lap.   Boo turned around several times, trying to get comfortable.  Her rear left leg looked stiff and swollen.  Finally, she put her head down, but didn’t sleep.

Daniel stuck his head into my cubicle and said, “When I first got her she was a lot of fun.  I remember those days, and I keep thinking she’s got some more left. Every now and then she has a really good day, but I know it’s time to put her down.”

“Not going to be easy,” I said.

“No, but her bad days far outweigh the good. It is time.”

I stroked Boo and thought how some relationships start out fun.  They run their course. The good times are gone, but people hold onto the memories of better days. Every now and then they enjoy the relationship again, and their hopes rise.

 A friend’s marriage ended after thirty years. He told me he spent the last fifteen hoping it would be like it was during the first five.  I heard a speaker at an AA meeting say she loved wine, but at the end drank because she had to. Relaxation and good times with girlfriends were long gone. She drank for years, thinking the good times would come back.  They didn’t, and she finally quit.

I counseled a guy who hated his job, but made a ton of money. When I saw him, money no longer mattered, but he kept thinking the next big raise would make him happy again.  He knew he needed to change jobs, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He quit therapy with a shrug, accepting misery as part of his job description.

Today I hope I’ll know if it’s time.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Today I Survive

I got a text from a guy I’d met early in recovery. At the time he had been going through an ugly divorce, and knew his family had good reasons to be angry with him.  (Among other things, his wife didn’t think wetting the bed was sexy, his kids didn’t think throwing handfuls of birthday cake at their friends was funny.)

I had run up a huge debt, drank myself out of my Ph.D. program, gotten divorced, and hit a county sheriff at 3:00 a.m.

  

We survived those early days, wondering when life would get better. One old-timer told us ‘Survive today, thrive tomorrow.’ We latched onto it.

He texted me, ‘Survive today…”

I texted back, ‘…thrive tomorrow.”  He texted me he was retiring.  He and his second wife were celebrating their 25^th anniversary.  His children from his first marriage had forgiven him long ago. The pictures of his grandchildren were adorable.

Today I survive, tomorrow I thrive.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Break It Up

When I got home, I scrolled through the news items suggested by an app on my phone. Stories from both ends of the political spectrum predicted everything we held dear was likely to dissolve the next day, by the weekend at the latest.  

NPR repeated a story confirming we were all going to hell in a hand basket. They described how Hellbound Handbaskets of Ohio had gone bankrupt.  The once thriving town of Hellbound, named for the town’s biggest employer, had been reduced to a liquor store, a vape shop, and a check cashing/laundromat/convenience store. The baskets were now made from lead paint and asbestos by child laborers in a volcanic cave somewhere overseas.

I scrolled down to a video of a tiny kitten trying to get a huge dog to play.  The kitten swatted the dog’s paws, got no response, then took a swipe at his nose.  The dog pushed the kitten away and rolled over. The kitten attacked the dog’s tail, and again got no response. Finally, the kitten gave up and curled into a ball between the dog’s jaw and neck.

I watched the short video twice. I wasn’t slipping into the escapism of my drinking days. Having read the news of the day, it was time for a break.

Today I will take a break.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

KRG

The older man looked at me and said, “These kids don’t understand.”

I shrugged. “I agree with him. Completely.”

“So I’m owed nothing for all the effort I put into staying sober?” the older man asked, looking to the kid and then back to me.

“You owe yourself respect ‘cause you’re doing what a lot of people don’t do but should. You owe yourself kindness because staying clean is tough, especially early on.   And, you owe yourself gratitude for whatever good comes out of your recovery.”

The older man wasn’t convinced. The meeting started and we turned our attention to the podium.

Today I will treat myself with kindness, respect, and gratitude.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

You Should Be Grateful

I went to an AA speaker meeting and sat at a back table a couple chairs away from a guy in his mid-fifties.  He was complaining that after six months sobriety his family wasn’t more grateful for his recovery.

“I never miss work now,” he said, shaking his head. “I go to my kids’ games completely sober. Don’t spend a lot of money on booze.”

The twenty-something sitting across from him said, “I hear you. I’m five years clean, haven’t OD’d in six years. No retail theft charges, no more DUIs, haven’t totaled a car in years. Not a single ‘thank you’ from anybody.”

“Well OK,” the older man said, looking a little confused. “But you’re not supposed to OD or wreck cars.”

The kid smiled. “That was irony. You’re right, you’re not supposed to do any of those things. You are supposed to go to work and look after your kids.  Can’t expect gratitude from other people for not doing what you’re not supposed to, or for doing what you are.”

Today I won’t expect people to be grateful for things I do or don’t do.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Ups and Downs

Two weeks went by and work went smoothly.  I revised my burnout training, and got a contract for another presentation.  The New Boss was pleased.

Drivel bounced back.  He accepted he got conned and would never get any of his money back.

Jackie’s husband slipped into a coma.  Boo lost weight, and Daniel said her time was just about up.

Brittany forgave her idiot ex and took him back. I told her to Google the parable of the frozen snake.

Weedman had filters put on all his electronic devices. He hadn’t downloaded porn in weeks.

I looked around and saw how people’s lives were up and down. It made me grateful for the calm of the moment.  It reminded me that should hard times come along, they would pass.

Today I will accept life’s ups and downs.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Made Of

As I was leaving for the day, I ran into Drivel. I expected him to be sad and angry, but he seemed calm. I asked him how he was holding up after his guru’s arrest. 

Drivel stared at me for a moment before saying, “What I believed in has fallen apart, belief by belief. That sucks, but I’ve had a chance to sift through the rubble and see what those beliefs were made of. Mostly BS, and clever sounding phrases designed to pull money from my wallet.”

“At least you see through Maverick’s con game,” I said.

“I took a long and painful look at how I was fooled. Now I have to look at myself. Part of me wants to wallow in self-pity because of the money I spent getting fooled.  Good thing I’m made of tougher stuff. I’ll learn from my mistakes and move on.”

If something falls apart today, at least I’ll get to see what it and I are made of.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Out of the Deep End

Weedman walked by, looking more tired than I felt. I asked him how he was doing.

“Ever swim all day when you were little?” he asked. “Maybe in a big pool?”

“Sure,” I said. “Why?”

“I remember being tired at the end of the day, trying to pull myself out of the deep end.   Sometimes I wouldn’t make it on the first try. I’d get halfway out of the water, and fall back in. My head might even go under, but as long as I held onto the side, I knew I’d be OK. I wasn’t gonna drown. I’d have to rest a bit, and try again. That’s how I feel about my job and my recovery right now.”

“Hang in there,” I said.

“I’m tired, sometimes I feel like I’m underwater, but I’m not drowning. I’ll be OK if I just hold on.”

Today I will hold on, and not worry if I’m underwater for a time.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Hungry, Angry, Lonely, TIRED

After she hung up, I rubbed my temples, tired and frustrated.  I shut my eyes for a second. The night before I had watched too many episodes of a Netflix series, telling myself I’d catch up on sleep the next night. That second turned into minutes, and I woke up sitting at my desk, wondering for a moment how I got there.

I repeated the AA slogan out loud, “Hungry, angry, lonely, tired -don’t let yourself get too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired.”

Over the years, I’d learned tired was the sneakiest of the four. Anger was a mugger. You knew when it hit you, and you saw the damage right away.  Hunger and loneliness were stalkers.  They followed you until you did something about them or learned to live with them.

Tired was a thief. Tired liked to steal whole afternoons from me when I was too worn down to focus. Tired stole small things I didn’t miss until I needed them, like information from a meeting, or an awareness of life’s warning signs.

I made up my mind to get to bed early that night. One episode at most…

Today I’ll beware of tired, the thief.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Planting Seeds

I took a deep breath and said, “I don’t know your son, but I’d bet he sold his car to buy drugs. Or the dealer has it.”

“The car dealer?” she asked. I almost said yes, just to spare her further pain.

“No, the dope-man.” I said.

“Who?” she asked. “The what?”

“His drug dealer,” I added. Silence. “The $500 wasn’t for the dentist. It went to the dealer too. Nobody put cocaine in his drink.” Longer silence.

Finally, she said, “Because you worked in addiction you’d think that, but you don’t know my son.”

I didn’t argue. I gave her the number and a contact at the rehab.  A heavy feeling settled into my chest. She wasn’t ready to hear her son was abusing drugs. The best I could do was hope I’d planted the seeds of doubt. Maybe the next time her son told her a wild story, she’d be a little suspicious.

Today I will accept that sometimes the best I can do is plant seeds.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

You Don’t Gotta Believe

Two days later I got a call at work from a friend of a friend. She wanted me to recommend a rehab. Her son had been caught in front of a sporting goods store loading a kayak into his car.  The judge gave him the choice of going to jail or treatment.

“The kayak was a misunderstanding,” she said. “He was so excited about finding something he could do sober, he forgot to pay. He’s really had a run of bad luck.”

“How so?” I asked.

“He left the keys on the seat by mistake and someone stole his car.   He had to have a tooth pulled, but the dentist’s computer was down and couldn’t bill his insurance. I had to meet him in front of the medical arts building with $500 to pay the dentist. He had a few beers with his friends – which I know he shouldn’t do – and somebody put cocaine in his drink. His probation officer tested him the next day and they added a year to his probation. Now he has to go to rehab because of the kayak.”

As she described his “bad luck”, I wondered how an intelligent woman could believe her son’s stories.  She believed because she wanted to believe. She wanted to believe because she loved him. She remembered him as he was before he got addicted, and thought that son wouldn’t lie to her.

They say faith can move mountains. Misplaced faith can bring that mountain down on you.

Today I’ll beware of believing what I want to believe

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Glad I’m Not You

When I got home Brat Boy and Blondie were talking about a classmate named Todd who got a DUI. Brat Boy said Todd was lucky he only got a DUI. Apparently Todd both sold and used drugs in equally large quantities.  I took out a small yellow tablet and wrote ‘Five People I’m Grateful I’m Not’ across the top. I wrote his name first, followed by the homeless guy I passed on the way home. I added Weedman and Drivel. 

I wrote Todd’s name again. His problems were just starting.  Listing people worse off than I was seemed cold to me at times, but it did remind me to be grateful for only having my own problems.

Today I will make a list of five people I’m glad I’m not.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

On Churchill, Stones, and Dogs

“I have another bad habit,” Weedman said. “I throw stones, I bark back.”

“Not sure I know what you mean,” I said.

“Churchill said something like ‘you’ll never get to your destination if you stop to throw a stone at every dog that barks at you.’ He meant don’t waste time answering all your critics.  I get bogged down in stupid arguments with mine – in person and online. These fights eat up my time and go nowhere.”

“There’s a guy who comes to my trainings and insists opiates aren’t as addictive as people think. He says withdrawal is all in your head.  Usually I don’t argue with him, I don’t bark back.  We agree to disagree and I move on.  I wouldn’t get through the training if I didn’t.”

“You usually don’t argue?”

“Sometimes I get sucked into pointless arguments,” I said. “Sometimes I can’t help but bark back. But Churchill was right. The more I waste time that way, the less progress I make.”

Today on my way to my destination I won’t throw stones, I won’t bark back.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Stupid Labels

Weedman told me how he got scammed. Looking back, the way that one mistake colored his self-image  amazed him. An incredibly bright man, he convinced himself getting scammed proved all his academic successes were a fraud. 

“I felt like such an idiot, I decided I must be an idiot,” he said. “It took months for me to shake that label. Do you do that, label yourself based on how you feel?”

I laughed. “All the time,” I said.  “If I eat that third brownie, I feel guilty. I’ll call myself weak-willed, even though I haven’t given in to temptations to drink in thirty years.  If I skip a day at the gym without a good reason, I’ll label myself ‘lazy,’ even though I work out about five times a week.  The list goes on.”

“Stupid labels,” he muttered.

Today I won’t label myself based on how I feel.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

The Other Guy’s Shoes

Weedman stuck his head into my cubicle. “I don’t want to say I told you so,” he said, “but I told you so. I told Drivel so too.”

“What are you talking about?” I asked.

“Jackie’s husband slipped into a coma. I told you she poisoned him. They arrested Mike Marvel for fraud. I told Drivel that Marvel was a con.”

“Just because Jackie’s husband is in a coma, doesn’t mean she poisoned him. Drivel must be crushed.”

Weedman said, “I feel bad for Jackie, but I so want to rub Drivel’s nose in it. I want to laminate the  story from the newspaper and glue it to his windshield.

“But you’re not going to,” I said, reading his expression.

“No, I'm not. About ten years into my first job I got conned out of all my savings. I felt like an idiot.  Hated it then, hate it now, hate that it keeps me from enjoying Drivel being scammed.”

“You have empathy,” I said. “You can put yourself in the other guy’s shoes. Be grateful.” I thought of all the painful episodes in my life that let me put myself in the other guy’s shoes. Hated it at the time, but not anymore.

Today I’ll be grateful for whatever lets me understand someone else’s pain.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Spare Change

Even with The New Boss’s support, I was a little rattled. I started to doodle, lost in thought and only half paying attention.  I drew a stick figure standing in the rain next to a highway with a sign that read ‘will train for food.’  “Snap out of Montrose,” I said out loud.

I switched to a nerdy mind game I play when I want to focus.   I wrote several popular quotes and AA slogans on the left side and began rewording them on the right, focusing on changing my outlook.

“Be the Change You Want to See’ I wrote, quoting Gandhi.  After staring at it for several minutes, I scribbled:

‘Change the sea you want to be. Be warm like the Mediterranean, not cold like the Bering.’  I tried to smile even though I wanted to choke the people asking for a discount and my copyrights.

‘Change the being you want to see. Spend time with people who lift you spirits, especially if you have to be around people who drain you.’  I texted my family to see who was up for pizza/movie night.

‘See the being you want to change. Know who you want to be.’ I wanted not to be rattled by customers, no matter how important they were.

Today I will look at changes I want to make.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Support

The moment I got back to my cubicle, my phone rang.  “Screw ‘em,” The New Boss said. “If you want to hold onto the copyrights, hold onto the copyrights.”

I was stunned. I hadn’t expected The New Boss to be on my side.  It got me thinking about support I’d gotten over the years.

Some days the world seemed determined to throw roadblocks in my way. That day I found support I wasn’t expecting.  Recovery had taught me that on most days, support was out there, I just had to go looking for it.

Today I will be grateful for support, expected or not.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Right Turn

My phone rang. The New Boss wanted to see me.

“The people paying for your burnout training want to keep the copyrights to your materials.”

“People in hell want ice-water,” I said, laughing. The New Boss didn’t laugh. Not even a little. I sat up straighter in my chair.  “If I give them the copyrights, I’ll need their permission every time I present those materials.  They’ll charge me to use my own stuff. It’s a money grab, boss.”

“Ken, you’re new here, so maybe you don’t realize these people are one of our best clients.”

We’d already negotiated a lower price for them.  Giving them the copyrights seemed a like a compromise too many.  On the other hand, I had a kid in college, car payments, and a strong desire to keep eating and living indoors. I needed that job.

“Can’t do it,” I said, picturing myself walking an imaginary plank. 

The New Boss frowned and sighed. “OK,” was all he said.

I walked back to my cubicle, wondering what they were serving for lunch at the homeless shelter. 

Today I will accept doing the right thing can be scary.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

I Should Be Committed

I changed the subject.  “What’s up with you and the woman from the animal shelter?”

“I bought an engagement ring,” Daniel said.

“Congratulations, when are you proposing?” I asked. Daniel said nothing. “Daniel?”

“I’ve had it for months. I just can’t seem to give it to her.”

“You’re not sure she’s the one?”

“Oh no, I’m completely committed to her.”

“There’s a saying I like about commitment: ‘In a ham and eggs breakfast, the chicken participates but the pig is committed.’”

“So, from the pig’s point of view, commitment means death,” Daniel pointed out.

“Forget the chicken and the pig.  People who commit to recovering from addiction, who do everything they can to eliminate the people, places, and things tied to their drug, tend be happier in the long run. They just have to get over that initial fear of commitment.”

Today I won’t fear commitment.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Rumor

“You’re going to laugh,” I said, “Weedman thinks Jackie might be poisoning her husband.”

“Could be,” Daniel said. “She could retire on his life insurance money.”

“You can’t honestly say you believe that.”

“I wouldn’t have even thought of it until I talked to Weedman,” Daniel said. “But he may be right.”

I shook my head. They say a smile is contagious. In my experience rumors, like most negativity, spread more quickly than the flu.  The only sensible thing to do was not to be a carrier.

Today I’ll remember negativity can be contagious.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Try It

Later that day Daniels stuck his head into my cubicle carrying a spray bottle.

“You have to see this,” he said as he pushed my computer monitor to the side of my desk.

“I’m not in your way, am I?” I asked, a little put off he was moving my paperwork to the floor.  Daniel missed my sarcastic tone.  He sprayed my desktop, counted out loud to fifteen and then wiped my desk.

“Look at that,” he said, adding a short whistle. “This stuff really brings out the woodgrain!”  To my eye, the desk looked just a little less dusty and a little shinier than it had a second earlier.  

Daniel told me the story of how he’d discovered this miraculous cleaning product. He described in loving detail the fine ingredients of the spray, and why it was worth $35 a bottle.  He reminded me of a high school friend describing improvements he’d made to the rolling rust heap he was turning into a race car/chick magnet.  Both had found a truly joyful pursuit that involved no drugs.

Back in high school, I never shared friends’ enthusiasm for auto repair, but I was happy for them.  Likewise, I couldn’t get too excited about expensive furniture polish, but Daniel’s delight made me smile.

I knew too many people whose addictions ate up so much of their time and money, they never learned what else life has to offer.  I wondered what was out there that I might learn to love if I tried it.

Today I’ll be open to new experiences.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/