My father, the kindest man I ever knew, passed away last night. 

Dogged Determination will resume in a few days. 

Life on Life’s Terms

The next several days brought to mind the AA slogan ‘life on life’s terms.’

On Thursday of that week I went to Blondie’s semi-final game. She played her heart out. They won a close game over a Cinderella team. The next night Blondie played like she had invented the game. They crushed their archrivals, winning my alma mater’s first women’s basketball conference championship. The gym erupted. Pictures were taken, nets cut down. I couldn’t have been more proud or happy.

Later I drove to Harrisburg for Brat Boy’s volleyball tournament. I wanted to go that night so I could see his 8:00 a.m. game the next day. Driving through the dense fog with my hazard lights on at fifteen miles an hour, I wondered why.  “Because it’s what dad’s do,” I said to the steering wheel.

The tournament was an all-day affair.  The games were exciting. Brat Boy crushed it, making me think he was going to drive the volleyball through the concrete floor with every kill. My wife and sister, who had stayed for more of Blondie’s victory celebration, got to the arena in time to see most of the games.  We relaxed in our chairs, eating the best hot pretzels I’d ever tasted, talking to friends. I couldn’t have been more content.

After the tournament, we went to see the man who’d taught me what dads do. His face was shrunken, he stared off, not seeming to recognize us. We took turns holding his hand. Every now and then I saw a spark, but it quickly faded. I realized I was most likely seeing him for the last time.  I couldn’t have felt more empty or sad.

Today I will accept life on life’s terms, the joy and contentment, and the sadness as well.

Dogged Determination ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Need or Bleed

I sat on the couch to watch a movie with Brat Boy. Ten minutes later my phone rang. Cara. I ignored it. It rang again.

As I reached for the phone, I muttered a curse under my breath. Brat Boy laughed, but grabbed my wrist. “Hey Dad, are you on-call?” he asked. “You manning the ‘crazy friend needs to rant’ hotline?”

“No,” I said. “I know Cara just wants to rant and rave about the legal system. Still…”

“What do you say about situations like this? It’s good to be there for people who need you. No good to be there for people who bleed you. If she’s out of jail already, she’s got serious money and connections, and doesn’t really need you. She’s just bleeding you dry, sucking away all your sympathy.”

I turned off my phone.  Brat Boy picked up his and texted his sister. ‘Helped Dad with one of his many issues.  I’m still his favorite child.’

Today I’ll separate those who need me from those who bleed me.

Dogged Determination ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Be Reasonable

After dinner, my phone rang. Cara was out on bail. She had spent less than ten hours in jail and was calling everyone she knew to complain about how unfairly she had been treated.

“Cara, you blew up a parking lot full of luxury cars easily worth a million dollars,” I pointed out. “And yet, you’re not calling me from jail. Don’t you think you ought to be grateful for that?” She didn’t. She got mad at me for not being mad she had been searched and put in a cell with ‘those people.’ Apparently her cellmates’ hair, nails, and grammar had not been up to Cara’s standards.

I tried to reason with her, but our conversation went nowhere.  She believed setting her husband’s car on fire was just a prank gone wrong.  “I should be charged with vandalism at most,” she said. “I’m not the one who parked those cars so close together.”

As we spoke, I shut my eyes and rubbed my temples. I pictured a vast concrete parking lot.  Trying to reason with Cara at that moment was like throwing grass seed onto the cement.  It was wearing me down and accomplishing nothing.

“Gotta go,” I said to Cara, ending the call. ‘Gotta protect my sanity and serenity,’ I thought.

Today I won’t kill my serenity trying to reason with unreasonable people.

Dogged Determination ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

I Can Fix That

While I waited for our food to be delivered, I began editing something I had written a few days earlier. The wording was awkward to say the least.  It read like something a  fifth-grader might have written, if he was in a hurry to finish his English homework so he could play X-Box.  I was grateful I had time to fix the paragraph before anyone else read it.

I started writing a list of things I’d been able to change.  After I got sober, I made up for some of the times I’d disappointed my parents. My mother and dad loved coming over for dinner and spending time with Blondie and Brat Boy.  I drank my way out of my Ph.D. program, but I went back and got a master’s degree.  At the very lowest point in my life, after I’d ruined one relationship after another, I met a woman who brightened my whole world. Almost thirty years later I still couldn’t believe my good luck in finding her.

The list went on.  I wrote another list of things I couldn’t change, past mistakes I couldn’t correct. I circled the ones I wasn’t likely to repeat, grateful for having learned my lesson.  

Today I will be grateful for the chance to correct my mistakes.

Dogged Determination ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Captain Adventure

When I got home I told Dr. Deb about Sam. “I want to try new things,” I said. “Maybe skydiving.”

“You don’t like planes,” she reminded me.

“Whitewater rafting.”

Dr. Deb looked concerned. “Your friend almost drowned. What would you do if the knee you never had fixed pops out of place on the raft?”

“Cave exploration,” I said, “Did you know some of those caverns are three stories high?”

“You’d have to crawl through small spaces to get there.” Ever since I’d been trapped in an overturned car during my drinking days I hadn’t like confined spaces. “I’m ordering Chinese. Do you want the usual?”

I said “No, instead of my usual 6, make it 7 when they ask you how spicy I want it.”

“Go for it, Captain Adventure,” she said, smiling.

“I’m just changing things up, taking baby steps on the next part of my journey.”

Today I will take at least a baby step in a new direction.

Dogged Determination ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Possibilities

I thought I was going to have to take Bubbles to the pound, but Sam called to say he’d take her.

“By the way, I reached my goal weight,” Sam said. “I didn’t cheat on my meal plan. I cut my weight in half.” 

“Congratulations,” I said, glad to hear some good news. “Now what?”

“I don’t know. Can’t wait to walk Bubbles.  I’m hiking the Appalachian Trail this summer. After that, who knows? I want to explore all the possibilities.”

I wondered if there was something I hadn’t tried that would brighten my life.

Today I will explore the possibilities.

Dogged Determination ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

To Tell The Truth

Cara’s car was top-of-the-line two-door Mercedes. Bubbles slept on the heated leather seats on the passenger side. Cara had left the car running, soft music playing, the interior temperature set at 72 degrees.  I hated to wake her up.

“Hey Bubbles,” I said as I opened the driver’s side door. I expected her to stretch, walk to my side, step down onto the floor, and then to the ground. Bubbles jumped from the passenger side to the driver’s and sprung into my arms.  Her whole body shook with excitement as she tried to lick my face.

I slid into the car, sucking in the luxury. I had never been a car guy. For me they were mostly transportation. But sitting in that car, with all its bells and whistles, I thought I understood Cara a little better.

Cara wasn’t stupid, far from it.  She had to know her marriage was in trouble. This car, her houses, all the rest were a lie of omission, a way of not telling herself the whole truth. They let her focus on what she had, pretending not to notice what she was losing. 

“The worst lie is the one you tell yourself,” I said to Bubbles.

Today I’ll be honest with myself.

Dogged Determination ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Chaos Theory

Roger motioned for me to move my feet. I laughed and pointed to a table across the cafeteria, suggesting he sit there.

“I just came from Trevor’s room,” he said. “You’re missing all the fun.”

“What’s going on?” I asked, not sure I wanted to know.

“I almost got run over by a herd of doctors and nurses rushing into Trevor’s room. It doesn’t look good. Cara’s husband told the police where to find Cara.  She was resisting arrest when they asked us to clear the area.  Sue was so upset she peed herself a little and threw up.”

“Damn,” I said quietly. “What a morning.”

Roger continued. “I caught Billie staring at a pill cart parked in the hall, like she was window shopping. One of the cops I knew from back in the day said they’d gotten new info about Josh and my bike. They’re looking for him. The detectives suspect I was working a scam with Josh.”

“It just keeps getting better and better.”

“Almost forgot,” Roger said, handing me a set of keys. “There’s a dog in Cara’s car. You’re supposed to take care of her.”

Today I will accept life can be chaotic.

Dogged Determination ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

A Cup of Coffee

I took the stairs down to the cafeteria. It was late morning, but the coffee was still hot. I got the largest cup they sold and a banana-nut muffin. Scanning the tables I spotted a seat away from most people, on a table for two. I could count on nobody sitting across from me if I put my laptop on the seat.

I sat down and put my feet up on the seat across the table. Cradling my coffee in both hands, I felt the warmth seeping through the paper, almost too hot to hold. I let the steam wash over my face.  The muscles around my eyes and jaw relaxed.

I set the coffee aside and picked up the muffin.  It was cold. I walked over to the microwave, scooping up a packet of butter on my way.  In thirty seconds the muffin was warm enough to melt the butter. I returned to my coffee.

Cutting the muffin into quarters, I covered each section with butter.  I ate each quarter slowly, savoring the taste and texture.  Between quarters I took a sip of my coffee, still almost too hot to drink.

By the time I finished the muffin, my coffee was cool enough to really enjoy. I drank slowly, mostly with my eyes shut, feeling the warmth spread as the coffee traveled down my throat.

When my cup was empty, I leaned back in my chair and shut my eyes. Counting breaths, I didn’t fall asleep, but eased into a relaxed state. My skin felt warm, my head cleared, and I was aware of the sounds around me, but felt no need to pay attention to any one of them.   Savoring the joy out of the moment, I found an island of peace.

Today I will savor the joy of the moment.

Dogged Determination ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

What You Gonna Do?

Cara held out her arms for me to hug her. I wondered if I could open the window behind her and push her out in one motion.  I hugged her instead. She started crying, deep wrenching sobs. We began to hear sirens, no doubt headed for the car fires. 

Cara stepped back, crossed herself, and shut her eyes for a second. She said, “The nuns taught us to say a little prayer whenever we heard a siren. Somebody is in trouble and need’s God’s help.”

“Somebody?” I asked Cara. “Somebody?  Cara it’s you. It’s you. It is.” She stared at me blankly.

“The insurance company will replace his car,” Cara said. “He’ll see he was wrong to leave me and apologize. I’ll say I’m sorry for torching his car.” She giggled.  I wondered how much she’d had to drink, and if every circle of friends included someone equal parts loveable and clueless.

That’s when the monitors hooked up to Trevor went crazy. I shook my head and set off for the cafeteria to get a cup of coffee. It was all I could do.

Today I will shake my head and drink my coffee.

Dogged Determination ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Alcohol and Anger

I’d always had mixed feelings about Cara, but at that moment I felt only sadness for her.  I heard a distant explosion.  A horrible thought crossed my mind. Couldn’t be. Cara wasn’t that stupid, was she? 

“Cara, what did you do to fix his little red wagon?” I asked.

Cara smiled. “His car was parked in the executive lot outside his building. I wrote my name in charcoal lighter fluid on his hood, lit a match, and walked away.”

I was stunned. “You didn’t happen to leave the can of lighter fluid on the car while you looked for a match, did you?”  She shrugged.

That’s when we heard the next muffled boom.

“Hey Cara, were other cars parked next to your husband’s?” I asked, my voice louder than I intended.

 

“Oh, the lot was full. Everybody was at work. All his friends will see his precious vintage Corvette go up in smoke!”

And watch their cars catch fire and explode.

 Like a magnifying glass focusing sunshine into a single beam hot enough to burn, alcohol had focused Cara’s anger into a single act likely to burn away much of her life. Her marriage was probably over. This was going to cost her a ton of money. She might even lose her freedom for a while.

Today I won’t let alcohol and anger burn down my life.

Dogged Determination ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Wagon Repair

No relationship involving Cara could be called a match made in heaven, but I’d always thought her husband was right for her.  He was easy-going and not bothered much by Cara’s need for attention.  He came from money, made a lot of money, and didn’t much care how Cara spent their money.  

“Well I fixed his little red wagon,” Cara said, poking me in the chest with a manicured nail. I was afraid to ask how.  Her marriage had been in trouble, but taking a drink had made a bad situation worse.  No doubt being drunk helped convince her he was completely to blame, and she needed to punish him.

Today I’ll remember the AA saying: ‘there’s no problem so bad a drink cannot make it worse.’

Dogged Determination ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Involved

When Cara walked in she didn’t seem to notice Trevor lying in the bed, sprouting wires and tubes everywhere. She hugged me and began sobbing.

“He left me,” Cara said. “I didn’t think he would.”

I smelled booze on her breath.

“Cara, what did you do?” I asked, knowing the answer.

She ignored the question. “My husband left me. He’ll be back. He can’t live without me.”

I thought that though they’d shared the same house, he’d been living without her for some time.

Today I’ll stay involved in the lives of loved ones.

Dogged Determination ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Courage to Change

I knew Trevor was in a coma, but seeing him so hopeless stunned me. He couldn’t move. He had no idea what was going on around him.  Tubes and wires sprouted from him like weeds in a brick sidewalk. Compared to Trevor, my options were limitless.  My thoughts went to the second part of the Serenity Prayer. I could change many things at that moment, Trevor could not. My life was good, but I wondered what I needed to change.

Today I’ll look to for ‘the courage to change the things I can.’

Dogged Determination ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

That’s Odd

Only two people at a time were allowed in Trevor’s room.  I told Billie and Sue I’d wait in the visitors’ lounge and see him when they were done. 

A woman in her fifties sat under the TV, working on a crossword puzzle. I smiled and said hello. She took this as an invitation to tell me about her finances, her sister’s boy who never remembered her birthday, and her husband’s lack of sex drive.

I’ve been told by other writers I should put more detail into my stories.  This woman didn’t have that problem. I expected her to show me her tax returns. I feared she had pictures.

As she left I rubbed my temples.  I wished I’d gotten her last name.  I could have found her husband online and then introduced him to Jack. Jack would know how to smuggle someone into a country where they’d never be found.

It took a while, but I found a reason to be grateful for the encounter with Mrs. Over-Share. I had filters. I didn’t feel the need to share my life with everyone I met. It was an odd reason to be grateful, but a good one.

Today I’ll find an odd reason to be grateful.

Dogged Determination ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

What’s Going on in There?

“I wish I had your patience,” Billie said to me when Sue ducked into the Ladies Room.  “I love Sue, but she’s getting on my nerves.  She’s always talking about how she doesn’t deserve the good things in her life.  She can’t let go of her past, not even a little. Doesn’t seem to bother you, you just smile.”

 

I put on my most serious face. In a hoarse whisper, I said, “You only think I’m patient because you don’t know I’m constantly fighting the urge to strangle someone. It’s my fear of prison that forces me to act calm. That way nobody suspects the evil running through my mind.”

Billie quoted the old slogan, “Don’t compare your insides to other people’s outsides.  Don’t feel bad about yourself because somebody looks happier, calmer, more together than you. You never know what someone is thinking or feeling.”

Today I won’t compare my insides to other people’s outsides.

Dogged Determination ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

“The Past Will Never Get Better, But You Will”

As we walked into the hospital, Sue told me about her sonogram.  She started to cry.

 “Why are you crying?” I asked.

“I feel great, but my baby…” She choked up. “But my baby, . . .“

My heart sank.

Again she stopped.  “The doctor said my baby is healthy, my pregnancy is going well.”

I laughed. “I’m starting to notice a pattern here. Things that should make you happy, make you cry.”

“You don’t understand,” Sue said, shaking her head and wiping her tears. “Alcohol was always my drug of choice, but after a few shots, I’d try anything.  I’ve done every drug you’ve heard of.  There’s no way I should be this healthy.”

“So why not just accept your good luck, and be grateful you and your baby are healthy?”

“Because there’s more.  Not only did I try every drug, I tried most of the men at the bars I went to.  Sometimes in the bathroom.  Sometimes in the parking lot.  Some of them were really bad guys. Some were married. Some were dealers I couldn’t pay in cash. I should be dead.”

“You can beat yourself up over your past, or you can stock of what you’re doing not to repeat it.”

Today I’ll take stock of what I’m doing to avoid past mistakes.

Dogged Determination ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/