67. Stronger Than You Know

“How did you escape the cult you were in?” I asked Quinn. He told me about crossing northern Idaho on a bicycle. His escape took three nights. He panhandled enough money for a bus ticket and didn’t feel safe until he landed in Virginia.

“Did you ever think you could quit drinking?” he asked.  I told him until I really tried, I didn’t think I’d be able to. He said, “People are stronger than they think.  They don’t try, or they quit too soon, because they don’t know how strong they really are.  I saw people die because they didn’t know they had they strength to leave the cult.”

“I’ve seen people die because they didn’t know they had the strength to quit.”

Today I won’t underestimate my strength.

Time for a Change ©2017 by Ken Montrose

Time for a Change is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com

https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

66. I Believe You’re Mistaken

The next day Austin went to Canada. He sent Quinn a message saying he appreciated Quinn’s concern, but he wasn’t joining a cult, he was helping to start a movement.

“He has no idea how bad his life might get,” Quinn said. “I shoulda done more to convince him not to go.”

I said, “You did what you could.  People have the right to make bad choices.  The best you can do is learn from their mistakes.”

Today I will learn from others’ mistakes.

Time for a Change ©2017 by Ken Montrose

Time for a Change is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com

65. Give it Time

An hour later Holton came back from the animal shelter.  As he passed my office I asked him why he was so opposed to getting sober. “You get another DUI and you’re screwed,” I said.

“Because I’m miserable now,” Holton said. “How much more miserable will I be without drinking?”

“You ever eat popcorn that was microwaved half as long as it needed to be?” I asked. “That’s miserable. You choke on the unpopped kernels.  You don’t like sobriety so far? You haven’t given it enough time. You’re still choking on all kinds of unresolved issues.  Be patient, and not just about recovery, but a lot of things in life that take a little time.”

Today I will give it enough time.

(Whatever ‘it’ happens to be.)

Time for a Change ©2017 by Ken Montrose

Time for a Change is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com

https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

64. Happy Distraction

When I got back to work the next Monday, Austin was close to going to Canada to work for the Church of Middaymorrow.  Quinn was more convinced the Church was a cult. The two of them couldn’t stop arguing about it. Morgan’s husband was living in a motel, not with Morgan. Her son was supportive but her daughter was heartbroken. Jameston had served his second wife divorce papers.

Holton showed up fifteen minutes late with three kittens and a puppy from the animal shelter.  Having animals in the center clearly violated the rules. I went up front to see how he’d gotten past Miss Rella.  She had a kitten in her lap.

The group put aside their differences for half an hour or so until The Other Ken told Holton it was time to gather up the animals and take them back to the shelter. I thought he was smart to allow the distraction.  They needed a little shot of happiness.

Today I’ll be grateful for happy distractions.

Time for a Change ©2017 by Ken Montrose

Time for a Change is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com

https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

63. Papa ‘Trose

The next week I visited my dad at my sister’s house.  He’d had major surgery a month earlier, and had spent time recuperating in a nursing home.  Just before he left, he caught an infection that didn’t affect him until he got home.  In the week I spent with him he ate little, ran a fever, and slept off and on most of the day. 

About the third day into my stay, the visiting nurse said to me, “Your father is really something.  He never complains. He shrugs his shoulders and says, ‘What are you gonna do.’ He even smiles.”

“He knows it’ll take a week for the meds to clear up the infection,” I said, thinking my dad understood acceptance better than  I did.

Today I will try to follow the example of people who accept what they cannot change.

Time for a Change ©2017 by Ken Montrose

Time for a Change is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com

https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

62. If Today Sucks

“Didn’t your husband go to the cabin with your neighbor?” I asked.  Morgan nodded. “What will happen to her?”

Morgan said, “When my husband said he was going back to me, she picked up a stranger from the nearest bar.  She’s moving in with him. Her husband told me she’s bi-polar, off her meds, and manic. In a couple weeks she’ll crash and want to come home.  He may not let her, but he’ll make sure she has somewhere to go.”

“Taking a tough but compassionate stand,” I said.  “He sounds like a wise man.”

“He said all the times he’s been through this taught him a lesson. Sometimes, when life sucks, it sucks out your weaknesses. The trick he said, was not to let it suck out your heart too.”

If today sucks, let it suck out my weakness and leave my heart.

Time for a Change ©2017 by Ken Montrose

Time for a Change is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com

https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

61. Another Epiphany?

Morgan stopped in my office after group.  She told me about her husband.  “He said he had an epiphany up in that cabin.  I’m his destiny and we should be together. He’s sorry he didn’t see that sooner, before he cheated on me.”

“Do you believe he had an epiphany, had some great awakening?” I asked.

She laughed. “Oh he’s always having epiphanies. He got into the Air Force Academy, but didn’t go because he had an epiphany – the Air Force might not be the place for a ‘free spirit’ like him.  He worked in his father’s construction company, but he had an epiphany about being meant for better things.  He quit in the middle of a big project.  They still don’t talk to each other. And of course, his latest epiphany, he wants to live with me.”

She smiled a sad half smile and added, “I had my own little epiphany. He’s just a small boy who can’t decide what he wants for Christmas. I deserve a life with a grownup. I’m going to divorce him and see if one shows up. I’m not going to settle for less.”

Today I will not settle for less than I deserve.

Time for a Change ©2017 by Ken Montrose

Time for a Change is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com

https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

60. No Argument Here

“My husband wants to come back,” Morgan said when group started. “My mother doesn’t understand why I won’t let him. She says he made one mistake. Mom wants to talk about it over a bottle of wine.  She also doesn’t see why I won’t drink with her since painkillers were my downfall, not booze. I can’t seem to make her understand.”

Holton snorted, and said, “People say ‘I don’t understand’ but mean ‘I don’t like it.’ You’re never going to get them to like it, so let it go.  No point in explaining yourself over and over.”

“My dad doesn’t understand why I can’t be an accountant and do my art on the side,” Austin said. “I’ve given up arguing with him.”

“Hmmm,” Daphne, who was there for continuing care, said, “rather than argue, I tell people who don’t like my choices to ‘kiss my flabby butt.’  Four words, explains my position, often ends debate.”

The group laughed, and Max The New Guy suggested once they’ve stated their position, they stop arguing.

Today I won’t waste a lot of time explaining myself over and over.

Time for a Change ©2017 by Ken Montrose

Time for a Change is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com

https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

59. Going to the Dogs

At lunch The Other Ken told me Holton gives a ton of money to the animal shelter.

“Holton?” I asked. “Pain in the butt, cup is always half empty, can’t wait to get out of here so he can drink again – that Holton?”

“Not only that,” The Other Ken said, “He walks the dogs, plays with the cats, and cleans out cages. He does it all.”

 “Holton makes Jameston seem like a barrel of laughs,” I said. “Holton?”

Miss Rella’s smile grew as she said, “I love when you find something to like in somebody who seems completely unlikeable.  I’m always grateful to be reminded most people aren’t all bad.”

Today I’ll be grateful very few people are all bad.

Time for a Change ©2017 by Ken Montrose

Time for a Change is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com

https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

58. Where You Been?

Quinn and Austin were arguing outside my door.
Austin said. “The leader is called ‘Grain.’ He says spiritual people start as boulders and age into rocks, stones, pebbles, and so on. They care less and less about the world because they let life wear away their concerns rather than wearing them down.  Grain says he’s sand hoping to become dust.  Dust blows in the wind without a care. It doesn’t get high, or hurt people. This is just what my brother needs.”

“That sounds good,” Quinn said. “but it’s a set-up to use people. You don’t like clearing woods all day? Grain will tell you it’s just to wear away what’s holding you back.  Too tired for his sermon? He’ll tell you he’s gonna talk about letting go of exhaustion.”  

“You don’t know him, so you can’t know if he’s sincere.”

“You’re right, I don’t know him, but I’ve known people like him.  I’m just saying listen to somebody who’s been there. Y’all don’t have to agree with me.”

I listened, thinking of the people I’d met who’d warned me my drinking was out of hand long before I got sober.  At the time I hadn’t taken them seriously. I was young, young people drank, they didn’t know what they were talking about.  I could have spared myself a lot of grief had I listened.

Today I will listen to people who’ve been there.

Time for a Change ©2017 by Ken Montrose

Time for a Change is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com

https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

57. Holding On to the Good

Later that day Morgan walked into my office.  She seemed a little shaken. A fellow nurse had overdosed in a hospital bathroom.

She said, “We met at an NA meeting.  She had a plan to fix her life. So much for that.”

“How you holding up?” I asked.

“Not sure I’m holding up, but I’m holding on.  It’s work, but I’m holding onto my nursing license. I’m going to hold onto my kids and my house. My marriage is over, but that’ll making holding onto my sanity a little easier. ”

“You’re holding onto your recovery.”

“I am. It’s like I lived through a tornado.  Every time the wind blows in my life, it’s reassuring to hold on to my recovery.”

Today I will be grateful for the good I’ve held on to.

Time for a Change ©2017 by Ken Montrose

Time for a Change is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com

https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

56. Letting Go

The next day I saw Jameston sitting on a towel on a bench in back of the building.  I sat beside him.

“Not cleaning your car today?” I asked.

“No,” Jameston said, “I’m letting my hands heal.” He held them up for me to see.  There wasn’t a mark on them.  He added, “There’s no real wound, but sometimes when you let go something go, it takes a little skin with it.  I grabbed hold of the idea I’d have my son back in my life.  Letting go was the right thing to do, but it hurt.”

“You did what you thought best, even though letting go hurt. I gotta admire you for that.”

Today I will accept letting go can hurt.

Time for a Change ©2017 by Ken Montrose

Time for a Change is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com

https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

55. I Doubt It

Hilary said, “Hey, I wanted to ask you guys something. Heath says I should go to college. I’ve been thinking about it. Sometimes I help him with his courses, so I know I can do the work.”

“What’s stopping you?” I asked.

“I don’t know,” Hilary said. “I’ve been thinking about it since I got sober.  The first year, I didn’t want to add pressure to my life.  The second year, I decided I wanted to try. This year I’ve been getting ready.  September is coming around, and now I don’t know.”

“Honey, you know,” Daphne said. “You know you can, and you know you want to. Doubt is the only thing holding you back. Nameless doubt. Doubt out of habit. Doubt for no reason.  You know what my dad used to say?”

“I want a paternity test,” I guessed. 

Daphne hit me in the ankle with her cane.  “Doubt your doubts. Question your questions.  Look to see if you really have a reason for not trying, or if you’re just scared.”

Today I will doubt my doubts.

Time for a Change ©2017 by Ken Montrose

Time for a Change is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com

https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

54. Do You See?

Hilary, who’d been quiet up to this point, said, “I feel bad for him.”

“You feel bad for Jimmy?” Daphne asked. “Why the hell would you feel bad for him?”

Hilary said, “Because he has no idea just how much of a weasel he is. We say he wormed his way into some girl’s bedroom, but he says he charmed her.  We see he might be a sex addict, but he sees himself as too sexy to resist.  He’s not breaking any laws, so there’s nobody to force him to look at himself the way his drunk driving did. To him, it’s all good.”

I said, “I dunno, I’m having a hard time feeling too bad for the guy.”

Hilary said, “Look, without any insight there’s no reason for him to change.  He’s going to be stuck in this pattern of one night stands and meaningless relationships until he becomes the creepy old guy nobody will sit with. That’s sad.”

“You have a point,” I said.

“Maybe,” Daphne said. She pointed her cane at Jimmy and shook it.

Today I’ll be grateful for whatever insight I have into my own behavior.

Time for a Change ©2017 by Ken Montrose

Time for a Change is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com

https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

53. Give the Newcomer a Break

“You know what else I see?” Daphne asked, pointing to the corner where Jimmy, a pale man in his late thirties was talking to Anna.  Jimmy was leaning into the awkward distance between them.

“Hey Jimmy,” Daphne called. “C’mere a second,” in a tone a prison guard might use on an inmate teetering on being sent to solitary.  

Jimmy held up a finger, smiling at Anna, to let her know he’d be back in one minute. I could see the discomfort on her face, but I’d seen Jimmy in action. If anybody could get past her defenses, it was him. 

“Why are you hitting on the newcomer?” Daphne asked. “You need to prey on girls struggling to stay sober, don’t know who they are without their booze, who don’t know who you are yet?”

Jimmy said, “Wow, that’s cold. I’m just trying to make her feel welcome.  Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do for newbies?”

Daphne snorted.  “Don’t bullshit me, kid.  You ain’t looking to penetrate her denial.  How about I shove this cane so far…”

I interrupted her, “Hey Jimmy, give her a break.  Let her find her way, make a few friends, get some clean time under her belt.”

“I hope when I’m old, I’m not mean and suspicious like you two,” he said, and walked away, but not toward Anna, who had joined a circle of women near the coffee pot.

Today I will look out for the newcomer.

Time for a Change ©2017 by Ken Montrose

Time for a Change is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com

https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

52.  What a Pain
I went to an AA meeting that night. Daphne said “Hello Ken,” as she hobbled up to me, using a cane. Her limp was worse than it had been the week before.  Hilary walked beside her, trying to offer support.

“No sarcastic comment?” I asked “You must be in pain”

“I am. But I’m seeing the surgeon next week. I was putting it off because I was afraid of the painkillers he might prescribe.  You know what turned me around? My dead husband.”

“Your dead husband?”

“Yeah, if I had left that pain in the ass twenty years earlier, I would have been a lot happier. But no, I put up with him because I was afraid of the pain of divorce. I’m telling you Ken, the sooner you deal with the pain the better.  I see that now.”

Today I will address my pain sooner rather than later.

Time for a Change ©2017 by Ken Montrose

Time for a Change is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com

51. Temptation

I was thinking about Austin, Quinn, and the Church of Middaymorrow when I walked into the break room at noon.  Only then did I remember I’d left my lunch sitting on the counter at home.  “I hate getting old,” I said to the Keurig coffee maker.  “Looks like it’s me and you and some donuts from the vending machine.”

I looked at the refrigerator.  There was nothing in there that belonged to me. Still, it couldn’t hurt to see what everyone else brought for lunch, I thought. My stomach growled at me. The refrigerator motor switched on, humming an invitation to just look. I could have sworn the Keurig’s power light winked.

In the old cartoons, a devil and an angel would have appeared on opposite shoulders.  Instead, in my personal cartoon, a 300 lb. version of me from my past, drinking alone on my bed in tighty-whiteys, said, ‘What the hell, it’s not like anyone’s gonna know you took their lunch.  Blame the intern.’ 

On the other shoulder, the weight–lifting version of me, ripped with washboard abs –it pays to have a vivid imagination – said, ‘Don’t look. Practice resisting temptation. Not giving into some minor temptation is like doing one more rep. Builds up your strength to resist the next temptation.’

I grabbed a cup of coffee and walked down the hall to the vending machine.

Today I will practice resisting temptation.

Time for a Change ©2017 by Ken Montrose

Time for a Change is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com

50. I’m Warning You

“Y’all got a minute?” Quinn asked me as we rode the elevator together.  He told me about his past, how he and his mother had been addicted to Valium when he was born.  She had gotten clean, but relapsed when his father was killed in combat.  Quinn’s mother switched to heroin.  He told me about years of abuse he suffered from the revolving door of men in his mother’s life.

“When I was fifteen we joined this cult in Oregon,” Quinn said.  “Bad times.  Here’s my point, and thank you for listening all the while, Austin’s brother has joined a cult.  Maybe he don’t know it yet, and Austin surely don’t, but it’s a cult.”

“Did you talk to him about it?” I asked.

“I tried to warn Austin, but he just laughed.  Said I was paranoid.  Showed me a letter his brother wrote saying how happy he was and how Austin should come up to Canada to see for himself. ”

“Sometimes warning someone is all you can do,” I said, thinking there must be more.

Today I’ll accept sometimes warning someone may be all I can do.

Time for a Change ©2017 by Ken Montrose

Time for a Change is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com

49. Winning, But Not at All Costs

Once again Jameston was cleaning his car when I pulled into the parking lot the next day. 

“I’ve decided not to see my son,” Jameston said, not looking up from wiping his dashboard.  “I’ve started putting money away in case he wants to go to college.  I’ll contact his mother again when he’s a junior in high school.”

I said, “No offense, but you’re handling this better than I thought you would. You’re making progress.”

“I could take her to court and win. I could.” He shook his head and said again, “I could.”

“But you’re not going to?” I asked

“For me to win, my first wife has to lose.  My son’s world gets turned upside down, so he loses.  Same for her husband.  Sometimes winning is like a drug for me. I’ll do anything for it, but the cost is too high.”

“You’re still clean,” I said. “That’s a win.”

Today I will try to win, but not at any cost.

Time for a Change ©2017 by Ken Montrose

Time for a Change is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com

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48. Show Not Tell

When I got home that night I flopped into my chair and put my feet up.  Ten minutes later my wife walked downstairs, purse in hand.  She turned into the living room, and stopped in front of the dog.

“Who’s the best dog ever?” she asked the crock of Shih Tzu lying on the back of the couch.  Scratching the dog’s ears, she said. “It’s you! Love my little puppy, yes I do!” She kissed the dog, scratched her ears some more, and kissed her again. “I’ll be back in an hour,” she said to me.

Blondie came down the stairs a minute later. “Wait up, Mom!” she said.  She stopped to say goodbye to the dog. Blondie questioned the animal at length. “Who’s the prettiest dog? Who’s the smartest? Who’s the most loved?” She kissed the dog, and said, “Love my doggy!” She walked down the hall to the basement door.  I heard her from the basement stairs say, “See you Daddy.”

If they hadn’t told me a hundred times, and showed me in a thousand ways, how much they loved me, I might have been annoyed.  Instead I called the dog over.  She curled up in my lap.  “You’re not that cute,” I said as I scratched her back.

Because I might forget to say it, today I will show people how much I love them.

Time for a Change ©2017 by Ken Montrose

Time for a Change is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com

 47. Beating My Head Against the Rock

I heard the uncertainty in Holton’s voice as he told the group he was going to drink again as soon as he got out of treatment and off probation.  Like a lot of people, Holton was caught between a rock and hard place.  Holton was doing what many people did – beat his head against the rock.  He was going to drink more just to prove he could.  He reminded me of toxic couples who hated each other but got married because they feared being alone.  It never ended well.

Holton needed to climb over the rock.  Maybe on a Twelve Step ladder, maybe by some other means, but not by drinking.

Today if I find myself between a rock and a hard place, I won’t bang my head on either.

Time for a Change ©2017 by Ken Montrose

Time for a Change is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com