Healing

“Wanna grab something to eat?” I asked Trevor after the meeting.

“Can’t,” he said, shaking his head.  “I agreed to go shopping with my ex.  Just a couple of stops at the outlets.  I’m guessing ‘a couple of stops’ means every store that doesn’t interest me.”

I laughed, “Sounds painful.”

“I’m the one who wounded the relationship. I stopped the bleeding when I quit drinking. Now I have to make amends, clean out the wound.”

 “You always have to do more than stop doing something to heal the relationship,” I said.

“I know, but why does it have to be shopping?  Why couldn’t the healing start with a me going on a three day fast, or having her hit me with a baseball bat?”

“You’re always looking for the easier, softer way,” I said.

Today I’ll do more than stop the bleeding.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

The Next Right Thing

“Where’s Roger?” Trevor asked.

“Out campaigning with the Youngstown Kid,” I answered.

“How’s it going?”

“Okay, I guess.  Roger’s good with people, once they realize he’s not knocking on their doors to murder them or sell them meth.”

“What’s his problem, then?”

“He can only knock on so many doors. His opponent sent Roger’s old mug shot to most of the registered voters.” I paused. “I have to admire Roger.  People now know about his past and think less of him. Doesn’t bother him at all.  He knew running for school board was the right thing to do. Even though it’s an uphill battle, he keeps knocking on the next door, doing the next right thing.”

Today I will do the next right thing.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Online

“That must have been a wild reception,” Bo said to me. “Were you still drinking then?”

I said, “Oh, I wasn’t at the wedding. I met Trevor much later. I’m just telling the story I heard.”

“Someday I’ll let you guys watch the video,” Trevor said. “The jackass wedding photographer recorded it all.”

I picked up my cellphone. “Aren’t you glad these weren’t around when we were drinking? I hate to think of what might have found its way to the internet.”

Today I’ll be grateful for all my drunken escapades that aren’t online.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Of Time, Patience, and Wedding Cakes

Billie sat back down. Trevor joined us. I asked about date night with his ex.

He smiled and said, “Better than I expected. She’s forgiven me for a lot.  Only problem is she wants to go slow and I want to go back to where we were twenty years ago. I want to do it now.”

“But time takes time,” Billie said.  “You have to be patient.” She looked at Bo, who smiled and her and reached for her hand.

I laughed. “Especially if you got drunk at your own wedding reception and threw cake at your guests.”

“What?” Bo asked. I told him the story.

“Trevor grabbed a piece of wedding cake to smoosh into his wife’s face. She said ‘don’t you dare,’ so he threw it at his best man. His best man laughed. A very drunk Trevor took this as a signal he should throw cake at all the groomsmen, his new father-in-law, his mother, the mother-of-the-bride, and the ring bearer. By the time his brother dragged him away, the wedding cake was a pile of crumbs and icing.”

Trevor looked away. “Well, she may never forgive me for that.”

Today I’ll remember time takes time.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

The EKGB

Billie brought her new boyfriend to the next Monday Knights meeting.  His name was Bo, and never ask him for his full name.

“She’s told you about her ex?”  Bo asked when Billie went for coffee.

“Slutdog,” I answered. “He was a piece of work."

“He was a piece of something.  Anyway, because of him she’s joined the EKGB.”

“The EKGB?” I asked.

“They use EKGs to check your heart. The KGB watched Russians’ every move.  Billie has joined the EKGB. She’s afraid of getting hurt again, so she’s always  watching for signs I’ve had a change of heart. Constantly reassuring her gets old.”

“You’d both be happier if she let the past go and enjoyed the moment without fearing the future.”

He nodded.  I thought the EKGB didn’t limit itself to romantic relationships. At times I’d been part of the EKGB, overly concerned with other people’s feelings toward me.  Time to resign from the EKGB and live in the moment, not worrying about how other people felt or reacted to me.

Today I’ll resign from the EKGB.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Help

As I was leaving for work, Dr. Deb said, “If you need help, ask for it. Don’t make your back worse trying to do something you shouldn’t.”

“Will do,” I said.

She shook her head. “I know you. For someone who made a career of helping people you have a hard time accepting help. Why is that?”

 “When I was drinking, especially when I was in school, I always needed help. I needed an extension on a paper.  I needed to borrow someone’s notes. I needed last minute tutoring because I hadn’t gone to half the classes. Now, I like being responsible, doing things myself, not needing help.”

 “You’re not being irresponsible when you have a legit reason to ask for help.” She laughed, “If you end up stuck in bed with back spasms, I’ll put on the Hallmark Channel, hide the remote, and make you watch chick flicks all day.”

 “God help me,” I whimpered.

Today I’ll accept help.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Manage Don’t Banish

The next day my back hurt a little less, but I needed Dr. Deb’s help to put on my socks. I had another training scheduled and needed to get to work.

The little addict in my head woke up, ready to debate. ‘You’re in legitimate pain. A little Vicodin can’t hurt after all those years clean. Besides, opioids were never your drug of choice.’  

I argued with him, pointing out I didn’t have bone cancer. I hadn’t been in a severe accident.  I wasn’t passing a kidney stone. The pain was legitimate, but manageable with ibuprophen.

Painkillers had never been my drug of choice, but I could see myself drifting into taking them every time I had some minor pain, including emotional pain.

“If you wreck five Chevys buying a Ford isn’t the answer,” I said out loud. “Painkillers are for severe pain, not anything I can manage.”

Today I will manage, not banish, the pain.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Little Issues

The next day I woke up with back pains. I stretched a little and made a mental note to get back to my stretching routine. 

Later that day I felt my back tighten up. The pain wasn’t severe. I cut the grass, thinking I’d stretch more, and take some ibuprofen. 

A day later I couldn’t bend over to put on my socks. Painful spasms twisted me sideways. I had to miss work, including a training.

As I laid on my side trying not to move, I said to the dog, “I’ve been through this half a dozen times and I still ignored the warning signs. Should have taken care of it instead of cutting the grass.”

Today I’ll deal with little issues before they become big problems.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Investor

Cara called. She was struggling to stay sober.

“You used to be an investor,” I said. “Now you’re a gambler.”

“Please spare me the tortured analogy,” Cara said.

“Hey, you called me. You used to invest in yourself, like you invested in stocks.  You kept your money in, making minor adjustments over time. You didn’t pull your money out with every dip in the market. That’s what a gambler does.”

“Of course not,” Cara huffed. “I’m not an idiot.”

“Lately you’re all into your sobriety when life is good. When life goes sour, you don’t make adjustments to your lifestyle, you pull out all your clean time and invest in overpriced wine.”

Cara sighed. “I don’t know why I’ve become a gambler.”

“Human nature,” I said. “Some of us change jobs, change partners, change diets, change friends every time we encounter something we don’t like. Better to invest over the long haul.”

Today I will invest, not gamble.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Creative People

After the morning presentation I drove three hours to an afternoon training at a college. On the way I listened to an audiobook.  The story was well-written, with vivid characters and jolting plot twists.  The ride passed quickly.

When I had gotten sober there were four TV networks.  They signed off at midnight or 1:00 a.m.  Like many people in early recovery I had trouble sleeping.  Many nights I paced my small apartment, with nothing to watch, too restless to read a book.

Now my choices in entertainment were endless. Creative people wrote stories for dozens of networks.  I could listen to podcasts, or surf the internet with its endless content.  Not all the diversions were good, but creative people had given me almost limitless options.

Today I’ll be grateful for creative people.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

I’m Going To Prison

I presented a training entitled “Suicide, Violence, Mental Illness, and Addiction” in a maximum security prison on a gloomy, rain-soaked day. I expected the mood to be somber. Could I have picked a more depressing topic?

The prison staff seemed to enjoy the presentation. People who worked difficult jobs in sometimes dangerous situations found things to laugh about. They enjoyed each other’s company.

I had been anxious about entering the prison, but after the presentation I wished I’d had time to talk to some of the prison staff. As I left for another training I thought, these folks refuse to let anything bring them down.

Today I won’t let anything bring me down.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

FEAR: Face Everything And Recover

The next day I was scheduled to present a training on suicide in a prison. I could feel the tension in my jaw and temples as my anxiety rose.

During my drinking days I rolled a car over on a busy highway and was trapped inside upside down for what seemed like forever. Ever since then I hadn’t liked being anywhere I couldn’t leave. This included planes, boats, even trains. I wasn’t looking forward to training somewhere where I didn’t have the keys.

Someone wiser then I am pointed out the obvious, freedom lives on the other side of fear. The times I’d given into my fear, I’d always regretted. The times I’d pushed through I’d always been rewarded.

Today I will face my fears.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

What Do You Know?
After the meeting I asked Cara if she was OK. She held up the 24hour keytag. “I’ve traded my fifteen years clean for this piece of plastic. This is the third 24hour tag I’ve gotten in the last year.”

“I know it sucks,” I said. “But you still know what you know.”

“What would that be? What the hell do I know?”

“You know you can stay sober. You know the rewards. You know people who want to help you.”

Cara smiled, just a little at the corners of her mouth. “Oh, what do you know?”

“I know knowing is like a flashlight that lets you see in dark times. I knew when I hit bottom there was a way out. I knew I didn’t want to be the person I’d become. I knew it was going to be hard.”

To my surprise, Cara agreed with me. “Sometimes knowing comes before accepting, or doing,” she said with a sigh.

Today I’ll be grateful for what I know.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Solvent

Cara stumbled in.  I’d never seen her so worn down. “You sober?” I asked.

“I am,” she said, saying nothing more.  Later in the meeting, the chairman asked if anyone had made it through their first 24 hours sober. Cara and another woman got their white keytags. 

Alcohol is a solvent. For some it only dissolves tension and a little inhibition.  For others, alcohol is harsher. Looking at Cara, I realized it had removed a layer of arrogance. Alcohol had also taken away her energy, eaten away at her marriage, and dissolved much of the good will she’d built up over all the years she’d been sober.

Today I’ll remember alcohol is a solvent.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Not My Bad

I sat down next to Billie at the Monday Knights meeting.

“Cara’s drunk again,” Billie said, shaking her head. “She blames me.”

“What did you do?” I asked.

“I won’t have a big church wedding she can plan.  She’s still mad that Sam called off his engagement after she paid for the caterer. You don’t think that’s what really drove her to drink, do you?”

“I think people are tired of her shenanigans. Maybe her husband wasn’t as happy to have her back as he seemed to be. She’s feeling rejected and wants to drown her sorrows.”

“You think she wanted to get drunk and I was just a convenient excuse?” Billie asked.

“I think people are always looking for someone to blame for doing bad things they really want to do.”

“I’ll be damned if I’m taking responsibility for her actions, even if I am her best friend.”

Today I won’t take responsibility for other people’s actions.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Common Sense

In the afternoon I drove to a local hospital to lecture on changing addictive thinking. I asked the audience what they did to help people overcome the self-pity common to early recovery.

Paula, who worked for a residential agency, described a gratitude exercise she used. She’d ask her clients if they had to, which sense would they give up?  They usually struggled to name one, seeing the drawbacks in losing one’s sense of smell or taste, hearing, vision, or touch.

At the end of the exercise, she’d remind them they didn’t have to give up that sense.  She’d instruct them to go enjoy something tied to each of their senses.

I stopped at the cafeteria on my way out of the hospital.  I smelled the coffee, felt the warmth,  and savored the flavor. I listened to the conversations around me, and smiled at an old couple with their backs to me, holding hands under the table.

Today I’ll have the good sense to be grateful for my senses.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

“We could never reach a star without you, Zero, my hero, how wonderful you are.”  Schoolhouse Rock

The next day I saw a meme that said zero was a portal from negative to positive. I thought it applied to so much.

People passed from the negatives of addiction to the positives of recovery when they had zero contact with whatever they were addicted to.  Having zero contact with a negative person was the best way to transition into a positive relationship with someone else.  Zero was the best number of cigarettes to smoke for people trying to get healthy. Spending zero time living in the past was the best way to make the most of the present.

Today I’ll celebrate zero.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

If you do what you always did…

“In fact,” I said to Brat Boy, “I’m going to ride thirty miles on the stationary bike today.”

He saw me pack two Gatorades into my gym bag. “So this time you’re gonna do it right,” he said, “actually hydrate while you pedal?”

“Yep, and I’ll spend a month building up to the 62 miles.  I’m hoping for a warm day in November, anything above 50 degrees to ride the course again.”

“You know what they say, ‘if you do what you always did, you will get what you always got.’ Have to do things differently once you’ve failed.”

“You’re learning, son.”

Brat boy laughed. “I already knew. You’re learning. Maybe someday you’ll be as smart as me.”

“Brain functioning deteriorates as we age. If I live long enough, I may become just a little smarter than you.”

Today I won’t do what I always did.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Back on the Horse

“Are you going to ride in the tour next year?” Brat Boy asked.

“I’m going to try to do a 62 miler on my own before winter,” I said.

“Why not wait?”

“Because the longer I wait, the more time this failure has to percolate. The sooner I get going the more likely I am to do it.”

“Get right back on the horse, get right back on the bike.”

I said, “Exactly, I’ve seen people relapse, feel crushed, and drink more to deal with that feeling. They have a much harder time getting started on their recovery again.”

Today I’ll get right back to it.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

The Voice of Reason

“So Dad,” Brat Boy said, “you were 50 miles into a 62 mile tour when you stopped?”

I said, “It killed me to quit then.  The rest of the ride was a gentle downhill slope followed by two miles of flats. I could have coasted most of the way.”

Brat Boy said, “Somebody talked you out of it.”

“A volunteer checked on me.  She said I looked really pale.  I said I was OK, she wanted to call an ambulance. Getting a ride to my car was a compromise.”

I expected a jab from him, but Brat Boy asked how bad I felt when I got home.

“I was beat down. I weighed eight pounds less than the day before. Don’t think it was all from the ride, but I was badly dehydrated.”

“Good thing that volunteer talked you out of completing the tour.”

“She was the voice of reason. I don’t always listen to that voice, but I’m always better off when I do.”

Today I’ll be grateful for the voice of reason.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Ego

Brat Boy asked me about the bike tour.

I said, “I started out at a reasonable pace, but hated seeing people pass me. I started passing them.”

“You made it a race,” Brat Boy said.

“There were snack/Gatorade stations every ten miles, and at the thirty-one mile turnaround. Three people hit the turnaround before me. Ten had stopped to fuel up.”

“You didn’t stop so you’d only have three people to catch,” Brat Boy guessed.

“Right. By this time I hadn’t eaten in four hours. I’d pedaled mostly uphill for two.  I’m hungry and thirsty. I drank half a bottle of Gatorade and kept going.

“At mile forty I slowed down. People started passing me. I gulped the rest of my Gatorade, pedaled past the station.

“Five miles later I almost fell off my bike. My whole body shook. Drenched in sweat. I barely made it to the next station. I guzzled Gatorade and ate a peanut butter sandwich.  I threw up.  Got a ride back to my car.”

“Why didn’t you stop sooner?” Brat Boy asked.

“My ego wouldn’t let me.  Couldn’t admit I needed to rest and refuel. I was like the guy too busy to save his marriage or go to rehab. Ego driven off a cliff. ”

Today I’ll beware my own ego.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Sleep

It was a little after 4:00 a.m. when the dog trotted back upstairs. “OK, go back to sleep, you miserable mutt,” I muttered.  She turned to look at me, wagging her tail.  “Smartass.”

I was up, so I got a cup of coffee, slumped into the Daddy Chair, and opened my laptop.  Four hours later Dr. Deb woke me up by kissing my forehead and asking me if I wanted a bagel.

At first I wasn’t happy, thinking I’d wasted four quiet hours, a gift for a writer. Then a wave of gratitude washed over me.  Sleep was the gift.

Sleep is free. Sleep clears your head. You can’t drink in your sleep. You can’t eat too much in your sleep. You can’t argue with someone in your sleep. Not being able to sleep is hell, but falling asleep on a couch or chair is heaven. Dreams are movies starring you.

Today I’ll be grateful for sleep.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

One Day Shy of Thirty-One Years

Thirty-one years and one day ago I made an illegal left turn at 3:00 a.m. and hit a county sheriff. I was about $35,000 in debt. My divorce was a month from being final, and I'd just been kicked out of my Ph.D. program. I was living in an apartment with no furniture, just me and a blind cat. 

Every year about this time I remind myself where I was. It keeps me grateful, humble, and sober.

One day at a time.