The New Abnormal #6

Your smartass, grounded-for-life, computer savvy, kid found a way to add dramatic music and a laugh track to your pre-recorded church service.

The New Abnormal #5

You realize you've become too used to telecommuting halfway to your mailbox in your sportcoat, white shirt, snappy tie and boxer shorts.

The New Abnormal #4

The dog that used to wag his tail furiously when you got home, now wags his tail furiously when you leave.

Shedding a Few Things

The next day I started putting things back in the shed.  It reminded me of the inventory I was told to take when I first got sober.  Some things in my life would always be cherished, others recycled, and some discarded.  

Most of my friends and family stuck by me, happy I had finally seen the light. Painful memories became lessons learned.  Some broken relationships couldn’t be mended. Many failures and resentments had to be left in the past.

I thought no matter what change I made in life, I needed to take that inventory. If the change was to last, I needed to hold onto some things, repair others, and discard the rest.

Today I will take an inventory and make a change.

Summer with the Slug Rats © 2020 by Ken Montrose

Summer with the Slug Rats is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

The New Abnormal #3

You can't get seated at McDonald's because you don't have reservations, and the restaurant is more than 1/3 full.

A Little Off

When we were done, the shed leaned a little.  We pushed against the right wall, propped up the side with lumber and nailed struts across the back.  The shed still leaned ever so slightly after we took the supporting boards away.

Blondie looked dejected. “Do we have to take the roof off and start over?”

“I should have squared up the sides before we put the roof on,” I said, kicking myself. That’s what I had done when I put the shed together originally.  “My mistake.”

“I like it,” Brat Boy said. “Being a little off makes it unique without looking broken.”

“OK, let’s leave it the way it is,” I said. ‘It reminds me of a lot of people I love,’ I thought.

Today I’ll be grateful for people unique, a little off, unbroken.

Summer with the Slug Rats © 2020 by Ken Montrose

Summer with the Slug Rats is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

The New Abnormal #2

Your spouse works from home. You go into work. Now when you get home you have to sit in the 'quarantine closet' for half an hour, have your clothes burned, and be deloused.

What Could Have Been

Over the next three days we turned the heavy wooden shed to face the yard. There were people who could have cracked open a couple of beers and completed that project. I knew I was not one of them.

I could only imagine the fallout had I been drinking.  The neighborhood kids would be forbidden to venture into our yard after I added several choice words to their vocabularies.  “Mommy, Mr. Ken said #$#%@. What’s a #$#%@?”

 The wrong color paint splatter would mark the brick behind the shed, the lattice, and the deck supports.  

 I’d get into an argument with Dr. Deb about whether the doors should overlap at the top, gap at the bottom.  I’d tell a skeptical Brat Boy right angles and perpendicular lines were highly overrated.

I might even get arrested for urinating in public after I tried to write my name in the sawdust.   I know I’d make at least one trip to the ER.

Long ago, I had accepted I wasn’t someone who could have a couple of beers.  I was glad I had.

Today I’ll be grateful I’m sober.

Summer with the Slug Rats © 2020 by Ken Montrose

Summer with the Slug Rats is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

The New Abnormal #1

"Where's Joe?' you ask on your first day back to work.

"Joe works from home now," the boss answers in the same tone your parents used when they told you your dog had gone to live out his days on a farm.

"Direct his calls and messages to me," he adds.

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SUMMER WITH THE SLUG RATS

Shed

Blondie came home the next day. TyGuy visited a few days later.

“You know what we should do,” Blondie said. “Turn the shed so the front faces the yard.  It’ll give us room under the deck.”

Blondie and Dr. Deb talked about what they could do with the extra space.  I had horrible flashbacks, remembering how heavy just the shingled roof was. I thought about the equipment crammed into the shed, and the lattice I’d have to take down and put back up.

I looked over at TyGuy.  He looked away.  Brat Boy mouthed “No” and shook his head emphatically.

I saw the smile on Blondie’s face. “Sure,” I said, “no problem.”  TyGuy and Brat Boy laughed.  “It’ll make her so happy,” I added.

Today I’ll make someone happy.

Summer with the Slug Rats © 2020 by Ken Montrose

Summer with the Slug Rats is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Have a Great Memorial Day Weekend!
Summer with the Slug Rats will return on Tuesday.

Pandemic Lockdown Bad Sign #64
You find $500 and a kilo of catnip. You realize your cat has been dealing to stressed out neighborhood pets.

Could be Worse

Brat Boy called just before lunch. “Can I rent a chainsaw?” he asked.  “I want to build a log cabin in the woods behind our house.”

“Have you lost your mind?” I asked.  “We don’t own those woods, you don’t…”

Brat Boy laughed as he interrupted me, “I was kidding, Dad. There’s something crawling around in the shed, the washing machine won’t turn on, and the dentist called to remind you he’s resuming appointments. Yours is at 3:30.”

“Oh. OK , then.   I can’t leave early today, but I’ll look at the washing machine after my dentist appointment.”

“What about the shed?”

“Probably a groundhog. Give it a cute name and we’ll pretend it’s an outdoor pet.”

I hung up thinking my day had suddenly gone downhill.  But, compared to the thought of Brat Boy running amok with a chainsaw, it could have been worse.

Today I’ll be grateful things aren’t worse.

Summer with the Slug Rats © 2020 by Ken Montrose

Summer with the Slug Rats is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Pandemic Lockdown Bad Sign #63
The dog and cat take turns dropping your car keys by the front door, hoping you'll take the hint and leave.

Gratitude

When I got to work I sat down to write my blog.  No matter how I tried, I couldn’t remember my idea from the night before.  Two cups of coffee did nothing to help. I cursed my mug.

I pulled out a piece of scrap paper and drew a stick figure. Near the top of his head I listed three good memories.  I listed my three favorite smells next to the nose, my three favorite sounds by the ears, and my three favorite sights by the eyes.   By the mouth I described what I’d order for my last meal if I was about to be executed.

I thought of my three favorite touches and wrote those next to the hands.  Next to the feet I wrote three places I liked to go.

 I added a surrender flag and listed something I had to let go – trying to remember the #$%# idea from the night before.

Today I’ll be grateful and let go.

Summer with the Slug Rats © 2020 by Ken Montrose

Summer with the Slug Rats is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Pandemic Lockdown Bad Sign #62

When you return to work you discovery PJs are NOT the new normal office wear.

Insanity

As I fell asleep that night, I had a great idea for my blog. ‘This is insightful and funny,’ I thought. ‘I should write this down.’ I didn’t write anything, convinced I’d never forget such a good topic.

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. They say it until you’re sick of hearing it.

In the morning, I had no memory whatsoever of my great idea.  Like a thousand times before, sleep wiped clean the slate in my mind.  ‘Next time, I’ll write it down,’ I thought, knowing I probably wouldn't.

Today I won’t expect different results from doing the same thing over and over.

Summer with the Slug Rats © 2020 by Ken Montrose

Summer with the Slug Rats is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Summer with the Slug Rats

Silver Lining

When they were little I called my children slug rats because they scurried around the house leaving a grubby mess everywhere they went.  Blondie and Brat Boy were older now.  Not quite as messy, and less prone to scurrying. I could have called them slug mice, but I liked the original name.

They were both home for the summer, and possibly the fall. Times were uncertain. I didn’t know how we would get through the summer, let alone what would happen in September. 

On the other hand, the slug rats were home.  Every dark cloud has its silver lining.

Today I’ll look for the silver lining.

Summer with the Slug Rats © 2020 by Ken Montrose

Summer with the Slug Rats is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Pandemic Lockdown Bad Sign #60
You're a 58 year old, Marine Corp veteran, construction work who just reached the 2,000 level of Candy Crush.

Pandemic Lockdown Bad Sign #59
The kid who whines "Spaghetti again?" discovers it's better to eat it than to wear it.

Bad Sign #58

More planning goes into your trip to the supermarket than went into the D-Day invasion of Normandy.

ODAAT

The sentencing was over by noon. I hated to see Deiter go to jail, but I thought the sentence was fair. 

The trial had occupied my thoughts much of the time for weeks. Work had piled up. The pandemic had forced me to push my face-to-face trainings to the late summer. Many of them would have to be converted to online presentations.  I felt overwhelmed.

I reminded myself that no matter how cliché it sounded, I had to focus on ‘one day at a time.’

One Day at a Time.

Jury Duty © 2020 by Ken Montrose

Jury Duty is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Pandemic Lockdown Bad Sign #57
You're afraid to ask grandma why she used a nail file to sharpen the points on her  knitting needles.

Support

A week later I went to the sentencing.  Sitting in the back of the courtroom, I heard the judge give Deiter a light sentence. He said Deiter had been in the wrong place at the wrong time, but he’d been there over the legal limit. 

Then the judge did something that surprised me. He thanked both families for supporting Deiter. He’d seen too many young people make a mistake, then compound that mistake because they had nobody to support them, to get them headed in the right direction.

I thought of all the people who’d pointed me in the right direction, even when I was hell bent on going the opposite way. People had stood by me when I was at the lowest points in my life. Dieter and I were both lucky to have people like that in our lives.

Today I’ll be grateful for the supportive people in my life.

Jury Duty © 2020 by Ken Montrose

Jury Duty is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Bad Sign #56

Bad sign - you have a family twerk off.

Terrible sign - Grandpa wins.

At The End Of The Day

At the end of the day we all sat in the living room to watch a little TV.

It seemed like an ordinary day, but with people not working, and everybody wearing masks, nothing was ordinary.  Getting through the pandemic was not living through the Great Depression, or surviving the Blitz on London during WWII, but it was a challenge.

We’d gotten through another day of lockdown.  We were on day closer to the end of the pandemic. We had reason to celebrate.

Today I will celebrate getting through the day.

Jury Duty © 2020 by Ken Montrose

Jury Duty is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Pandemic Lockdown Bad Sign #55

Tired of fighting with your kids, you tell them there were eight, but Sloppy didn't make his bed, so Snow White fed him to the bears.

Playtime

“I always thought there should be a second part to that slogan,” I said. “Like the way people say ‘Easy Does It’ and add ‘But Do It.’”

Blondie asked, “What would you add?”

“If you don’t want to get hit by the train, don’t play on the tracks, BUT play somewhere.”

Blondie laughed, “That’s too long for a slogan, that’s a speech.”

“I know, but I see people who got sober because they were miserable. They never learn to have fun without booze and they stay miserable.  You gotta play, you gotta have fun.”

“You know what would be fun? Moving my stuff to the attic for me. Now that’s the kind of fun that keeps people sober.”

I laughed, “I’m going for a bike ride. Have fun putting your stuff away.”

Today I will play.

Jury Duty © 2020 by Ken Montrose

Jury Duty is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Train Tracks

Later Blondie said to me, “Mom says you’re going to the sentencing.”

I rubbed my temples. “I am,” I said. “I feel bad for the kid. I can’t help but see the irony.”

“What irony?”

“They’re all drinking, all his friends. Not literally, but figuratively the whole group of them are playing by the railroad tracks. He doesn’t like what he sees and leaves. Doesn’t see the train coming as he crosses the tracks.”

Blondie said, “What’s the slogan? If you don’t want to get hit by the train, don’t play on the tracks.”

Today I won’t play on the tracks.

Jury Duty © 2020 by Ken Montrose

Jury Duty is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Pandemic Lockdown Bad Sign #53

You long to be annoyed again by:

-Too Much Cologne Carl

-Pictures of Her Dog/Grandkids/Granddog Pam

-Holier Than Thou Hal

-Wandering Story Wendy

-Larry the Work Fridge Lunch Thief

-TMI Tommy

-Ivan Saying That For Years

(Feel free to add your own example and forward.)

Reunion

Blondie came home from college the next day. She’d been locked down in her apartment while she completed her final semester.  She hugged her mother and me, and told us how thrilled she was to be home.

“Ugly baby brother!” Blondie said to Brat Boy as she hugged him. Clearly she had missed him.

“Mom’s second favorite child,” Brat Boy replied, a big smile on his face. “Third if you count the dog.”

The pandemic was miserable, I thought, but the reunions are going to be sweet.

Today I will be grateful to be reunited with friends and family.

Jury Duty © 2020 by Ken Montrose

Jury Duty is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Bad Sign #51
You insist you're not heavier or paranoid. The U.N. is turning up the gravity to make us easier to herd.

The New Abnormal

“Wanna make some popcorn?” Brat Boy asked.

A couple of years earlier I’d gotten some alarming test results and dropped 30 pounds by not eating sweets, cutting back on carbs, and never eating between meals.  During the lockdown I’d put 15 of those pounds back on, mostly by eating chips and pretzels between meals.  I was consuming so many sweets nobody would have been surprised to see me snorting a line of Pixie Sticks.

“You go ahead,” I said. “I’m putting on weight.”

“Eating junk and gaining weight seems to be the new normal.”

“That’s what worries me.”

Today I’ll be careful not to let a bad habit become the new normal.

Jury Duty © 2020 by Ken Montrose

Jury Duty is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Pandemic Lockdown Bad Sign #50

The mask your wife made for you doesn't allow you to breath. Your wife doesn't seem alarmed or surprised when you tell her. 

Could Be Worse

“When things are bad, do you miss drinking?” Brat Boy asked.

I said, “The funny thing is, I don’t.  In fact that’s when I’m most grateful I’m sober.”

I explained, “Like a lot of alcoholics, I had a talent for making bad situations worse.  I used to get dumped by nice girls because of my drinking. My first instinct was always to get drunk and find the craziest woman I could find to drain me of whatever self-esteem I had left.

“Not doing well in grad school? Get drunk and try to pass comprehensive exams hungover. Run up huge debts? Get drunk and total the car I needed to get to work to pay those debts.”

Brat boy shook his head, “What do you think would happen if you did drink now?”

“It’s like the slogan says ‘There’s no problem so bad a drink cannot make it worse.’ Trust me I’d find a way to make things much worse.”

Today I won’t make it worse.

Jury Duty © 2020 by Ken Montrose

Jury Duty is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Pandemic Bad Sign #49

Not only does the cat bring you dead mice, he puts them in the freezer just in case things get really bad.

The Dark Side
“Giant venomous wasps from Japan have been killing bees near the Canadian border,” Brat Boy said, reading a story on his phone. “Just what we need.”

“At least they’re not Peruvian slug rats,” I said.  When Brat Boy and Blondie were little I had called them slug rats because they scurried all over the house leaving a trail of grubby slime everywhere they went.

“You have to laugh. Giant venomous wasps from Japan arriving during a pandemic. It’s like a bad horror movie.”

“Did you see the story about Navy pilots seeing UFOs?” I asked.

Brat Boy did laugh.  We spun tales of Godzilla and an army of slug rats battling the queen venomous wasp and the alien army.

After a quiet moment, Brat Boy said, “It pays to have a dark sense of humor.”

“In dark times, it truly does.”

Today I will find the humor in dark times.

Jury Duty © 2020 by Ken Montrose

Jury Duty is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

What’s Your Second Guess

Shane texted me, ‘Did we do the right thing?’

‘I think so,’ I texted back. ‘He truly was guilty under the law.’

‘I still feel bad about it.’

‘Me too,’ I texted. ‘Lots of reasons to second guess our verdict. He seemed like a good kid, who made one mistake, was in the wrong place at the wrong time.’

Shane texted, ‘I’m breaking my own rule to only second guess decisions I can change. Can’t change this one.’

We agreed to the obvious, there was no point in mulling over or second guessing decisions that couldn’t be changed.

Today I won’t second guess decisions that can’t be changed.

Jury Duty © 2020 by Ken Montrose

Jury Duty is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Pandemic Lockdown Bad Sign #47
Trying to flip the house you live in, you discover too late what they mean by 'load bearing wall.'

Pandemic Lockdown Bad Sign #45

You can't open your iPhone with your thumb because you've washed/sanitized your fingerprints away.

Pandemic Lockdown Bad Sign #44

You miss running late, bumper-to-bumper traffic, fast food lunches, and meetings.

Hairy Male Bovine

That evening I was at home converting a workbook to a PowerPoint presentation our therapists could use in group.  Dr. Deb was sitting beside me on the couch. I made a slide with three picture of the same hairy, horned beast.  The caption read “Just Talking the Talk?”

Dr. Deb looked at the slide and said, “I get it. It’s a lot of bull.”

“No,” I said. “I can understand how some people might see it that way, but no. I’ll show it to Brat Boy. He’ll get it.”

I showed the slide to Brat Boy. “Yak, yak, yak,” he said. “It’s obvious.”

Dr. Deb rolled her eyes, but said, “Yak, bull, whatever – it’s good to challenge yourself. Are you walking the walk or just talking the talk?”

Today I will walk the walk.

Jury Duty © 2020 by Ken Montrose

Jury Duty is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/