Realistic Expectations

Focusing on just that day didn’t make the sky sunny again, but it was big enough umbrella to keep me from getting soaked in worry.  It was about what I expected.

Over the years I’d seen too many people, expecting too much, quit doing something helpful.  People who ate healthy for two weeks, but stopped because they hadn’t lost twenty pounds.  Others who felt better on an antidepressant, but quit because parts of their lives were still sad.  Folks who relapsed because while their lives had improved, sobriety hadn’t shielded them from ‘life on life’s terms.’

At the end of the day, I decided not to walk away from the burnout training. It didn’t make me happy, but I hadn’t expected it to.

Today I will have realistic expectations.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Today, Just Today

That afternoon the dark clouds of doubt rolled in.  What if I canceled the burnout training and another agency canceled on me? I’d have a big hole in my schedule, and what if I couldn’t find anyone else interested in trainings? That thought grew into a storm of what ifs. I heard the thunderous echo of past failures. My throat tightened, my stomach knotted. Lightning bursts of anxiety left me with a tingling sense of weakness in my muscles. What if?

When I was a kid, and into my early thirties, these storms would paralyze me with worry. It wasn’t until I’d been sober a few years that I learned to really apply the slogan ‘one day at a time.’  That slogan proved to be cliché, simplistic, and true. I needed to focus on that day and that day alone.

A wrote a schedule for the rest of the day and put away my appointment book.

Today, just today.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

One More Time

“Okay,” Brittany said, with no enthusiasm whatsoever. Even though he’d broken her heart twice, there were things she still liked about Frozen Snake Boy.  “I’m going to text him one more time to tell him I don’t hate him.”

I didn’t argue with her, but I thought she was falling into the ‘once mores.’ The once mores were the way we convinced ourselves to do something one more time.  This time I’ll just have one brownie.  I’m going to run into the store, get one thing and run right out.  One episode on Netflix and I’m going right to bed.  One more trip to the bar to let them know they won’t be seeing me anymore.  One final scratch-off ticket and I’m done. 

Sometimes people do their ‘once mores’ just once. Many times ‘once more’ opens the door to a lot more.

Today I’ll beware of the ‘once mores’.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Cut the Ties

“I wanted to tell you I dumped my boyfriend,” Brittany said. “We’re going to stay friends, but nothing more.” She read my facial expression and asked, “What?”

I said, “If you two had a good relationship, but drifted apart because you wanted different things from life, I’d say stay friends. But that’s not what happened.”

“Exes can be friends,” she protested.

“They can, but if the relationship was toxic, why would they? It’s like a heroin addict holding onto his last needle for ‘old time’s sake.’ He needs to get rid of it, to cut the tie to his drug. It would be like me buying a bar, not to drink there, but just to watch other people get drunk. I’d still be tied to booze, even if I was stayed sober. If you don’t cut the ties to the past, you’re likely to repeat it.”

Brittany frowned, looked around, and said, “You’re right. I should cut the ties to him. He’s a snake but I’m hoping he’ll change. I kind of had the idea we’d stay friends and I’d watch for signs he was becoming a better person.”

“Cut the ties,” I said. 

Today I will cut ties with anything toxic in my life.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

It’ the Little Things

The New Boss called me into his office to tell me the agency wanted to move the date of the burnout training again. “At some point we may have to tell them to take a hike,” he said. “Is the money worth the time and aggravation? Think about it, let me know what you decide.”

An hour later, I ran into Brittany in the break room. She’d brought in a box of donuts. On the box someone had written ‘What did the donut say to the donut hole? You complete me.’

“Isn’t that cute?” Brittany said, pointing to the writing.

“I got a better one,” I said. “What did the donut say to the donut hole?”

“I don’t know,” Brittany said. “What?”

“If I’m an ass, what does that make you?”

“Feeling a little bitter and angry this morning?” Brittany asked.

I was I realized. The anger had crept up on me while I was pretending not to be bothered. The agency was jerking me and The New Boss around.

“I’m letting little things get to me,” I said, shaking my head.

“Is it your new haircut?” she asked. “It will grow back. Believe me, we’ve all had bad haircuts. I think it’s cute a guy your age still cares how he looks.  Old guys should want to look nice in the years they have left.”

“You’re not helping.”

Today I won’t let the little things get to me.  

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

I’ll Deny I Ever Denied That

“So what’s going on with Jackie?” I asked.

“The cops are a little suspicious,” Daniel said. “She took out an insurance policy on him right before he got sick. One point five million dollars.  She’d been researching poison on her home computer.  They found texts between her and the guy next door.”

“And she’s denying she tried to kill him?”

“Absolutely. She says they’d been planning a trip overseas and she got the policy in case something happened on the trip. The poisoning sites came up when she was doing a search on food poisoning to get ready for her trip.  She claimed the texts were a sarcastic joke. She didn’t always get along with the neighbor and they were kidding about missing each other while she was away.”

“That’s a little hard to believe.”

“The crazy thing is Jackie believes it, at least partially. It’s like she’s convinced herself. Ever heard such denial?”

I laughed. “I have. I knew a guy with three DUIs and early stage liver disease.  He blamed his DUI’s on road construction. Said freshly poured asphalt fumes made him sick, which damaged his liver and made him look like he was driving under the influence.”

“Denial, it’s almost a reflex,” Daniel said.

“I’ve seen it in a hundred forms destroy a thousand lives.”

Today I’ll beware of denial.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

People Don’t Always Suck

Dogs always brought a smile to my face, but that morning people did not. The morning news had been especially bad.  Someone texting and driving had nearly hit me. It looked more and more like Jackie really had poisoned her husband.

Daniel said, “Somebody left Bandgee on the side of the highway.  A mousey little kid from up the street saved him.  This boy is afraid of his own shadow. He ran onto a busy highway to get the dog.”

“’Bandgee?” I asked.

“B and G – biscuits and gravy."

“You want to hear the kicker?”

“What?”

“The kid’s allergic to dogs,” Daniel said, shaking his head. “People don’t know how good and brave they can be until they have to be both.”

I won’t say my faith in humanity was restored, but I was reminded people surprise themselves with what they can do.  I started listing all the people I knew who quit smoking, reconciled with family, got sober, got out of prison and turned their lives around, or pitched in after an emergency.

Today I won’t give up on people, myself included.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Rightness Delayed is Rightness Reduced

The next day a basset hound wandered the halls at work.

 

“You got a new dog already?” I asked Daniel, a little surprised he’d replaced Boo so soon.

“You ever heard the expression ‘justice delayed is justice denied’?” Daniel asked me.

I thought of an example. “If a murderer isn’t caught for thirty years, that’s three decades he should have spent in jail. Even if justice wasn’t denied, it was diminished. Not sure how that applies to getting a new dog.”

“Right.  In the same way, if you put off doing the right thing, you’ve cut down on the time that right thing will be in effect.  I miss Boo, but I’m not gonna let another old dog sit in the pound while I get my act together. Rightness delayed is rightness reduced.”

I smiled, “I like that expression, rightness delayed is rightness reduced.  There’s an AA expression ‘do the next right thing.’ Makes me think the saying should be ‘do the next right thing now.’”

Today I will do the next right thing as soon as possible.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Drama Addict

The next day I took my car to get the windshield replaced. Jimmy, the man who worked on my car, told me he replaces more glass due to domestic disputes than he does to road damage.

Jimmy said, “I had just finished replacing the windshield for a guy. As he’s handing me a check, his girlfriend calls his name. When we turn to look, she smashes the rear window with a brick.”

“Well I guess that put an end to that relationship,” I said, shaking my head.

“You’d guess wrong. I go to their house about twice a year to replace something. They’re not my only repeat customers. We have a few couples like that who regularly break each other’s windshields.”

“Why?” I asked, baffled.

“Oh, they love the drama. They get the cops and the insurance company and me involved. Sometimes the neighbors get in on the act. It’s like they’re drama addicts.”

People toss the word ‘addiction’ around too easily, but I thought Jimmy might have a point.  Drama gets people’s hearts pumping and adrenaline going. Drama changes mood, lifting it for some people.  It ends boredom and changes relationships. Drama affects the people around the drama addict. It certainly had a lot in common with drugs.

Today I’ll avoid drama – it can be addictive.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Helping You, Helping Me

“Did you know Boo died?” Brittany asked me. “Daniel put her down while you were off sick.”

“I didn’t,” I said.  Brittany wiped away a tear.

“Daniel put together a video of Boo’s time with him. She was an old shelter dog when Daniel got her. He gave her the best two years a dog could hope for. We all cried watching the video, but Daniel beamed.”

“I thought he’d be crushed,” I said. “He was really happy?

”

“He was. He told me sometimes the best way to get the most out of life is help somebody else get the most out of life. That includes dogs.”

Today I will help someone get the most out of life.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Big Heart Emotional Recall Syndrome

“I caught him cheating,” Brittany said, as we poured our morning coffee in the company kitchen. “You warned me. Frozen Snake Boy turned out to really be a snake. Why am I so stupid?”

“You’re not stupid,” I answered. “Not at all. You’re suffering from ‘big heart emotional recall syndrome.’ You loved the guy as only someone with a big heart can. You remember the happy times and feelings in vivid detail.  Those qualities make it hard to see people and things for who or what they are.”

She looked doubtful. “Were you ever blinded by big heart emotional recall syndrome?”

“Every recovering person has been blinded by it. We don’t even need big hearts.  Even if we hate everyone one and everything on the planet, our drug fills our tiny hearts, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly. We recall those early days when it loved us back or at least took away some pain, and we loved that.  Big heart emotional recall blinds us, makes us think we can handle it. That’s one of the main reasons so many of us struggle to give it up.”

“Like I’m struggling to give him up,” Brittany said more to herself than to me “even though he really is a snake.”

“Saying that is an insult to snakes everywhere.”

Today I’ll beware of big heart emotional recall syndrome.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Meaning Well

After being sick for a week, it felt good to get back to work.  A strong antiseptic smell hit me as I sat at my desk. I noticed someone had arranged my pens by height and color in a ceramic cup divided into four sections.  Wrestling the antiseptic smell was a pine-citrus-vanilla-lavender-vomit aroma I traced to a pouch in my desk drawer.

“Do you love it?” Daniel asked sticking his head into my cubicle. Daniel showed me a spray-cleaner that left behind a germ-killing film. I’d found the source of one smell. The cup was also infused with the stuff. He told me not to worry about paying him back the $150 he’d spent on it, unless I really wanted to. I really didn’t.  

Daniel sniffed the air and made a face. Opening a drawer, he extracted a pouch, holding it in a tissue from a box on my desk. He sprayed the inside of the drawer.

Later that day Drivel came by to see if I liked the potpourri he’d put in my desk.  “It’s from The Traveler. He believes processing anything destroys its essence.  His potpourris are sun-dried on slopes facing north and never touch anything plastic.”   Drivel had found a new guru, one without a sense of smell.

After Drivel left, I got a fan from the supply closet to air out my cubicle.  I might have been annoyed, but they meant well, and sometimes that’s enough. 

Today I will be grateful for people who mean well.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

I've been sick since Tuesday and haven't been able to focus enough to write my blog. I'll post the next "Burnout Training" on Monday.

Grateful, Eventually

The chills hit me on the way home. I turned down the car’s air conditioning. It didn’t help. By the time I parked in my driveway I could feel my cheeks getting red with fever. My head and shoulders ached.

I’d like to say I thought ‘a little sickness is a great reminder to appreciate good health.’ Instead, I thought ‘Not #$%^@ today! and ‘I don’t have *&^%$ time to be sick.’ I even thought, ‘why me, why not Brittany’s boyfriend? If one of us has to be sick, it really out to be cheating Frozen Snake Boy.’

I trudged off to bed, knowing eventually I’d be grateful for good health.

Today I will be grateful for good health.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Under the Influence

When I got to work, the police were talking to Jackie.

Weedman said, “Her husband died. The police are suspicious. I think she did it.”

“What makes you say that?” I asked. 

“You should know, it’s your line of work. People do things under the influence they would never do normally. It’s just a matter of how much influence and how long they feel it.”

“I don’t think Jackie drinks or does drugs.”

“No, but she may have felt a lot of resentment for a long time. Or she may have been under the influence of greed. Maybe she’s been eyeing his insurance policy forever. You let any negative emotions live in your head too long, they’re like a drug. You ever watch those crime shows where somebody with no criminal record kills somebody?  Under the influence, usually lust or greed.”

I nodded my head in agreement.  I didn’t think I’d ever poison someone, but I had my fair share of petty resentments floating around in my head.

Today I’ll make sure I’m not under the influence, chemical or otherwise.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Rigorous Honest

When I went to lunch that day, I saw Brittany’s boyfriend, the one she’d just taken back, kiss a girl in the Dairy Queen parking lot. They were sitting on the hood of his car, eating sundaes.

I pulled up next to him and said,  “Call Brittany, she’s running a little LATE,”I bobbed my head as if I was trying to get him to think about what I’d just said. “But she’s ITCHING to see you.”

I hoped the girl would realize Frozen Snake Boy had a girlfriend, and think he had gotten her pregnant, giving her a sexually transmitted infection in the bargain.  The last two parts weren’t true, but it wasn’t really my fault if she assumed they were.

As I drove away, she looked stunned, and he flipped me off.  I smiled.

In recovery they teach you to practice rigorous honesty. If you start telling little lies to other people you might start lying to yourself about big things, like why you’re having lunch in a bar.   Leading that girl to believe Brittany might be pregnant and infected wasn’t completely honest.  On the other hand, sticking it to Frozen Snake Boy had been hard to resist.

“Have to try a little harder,” I said to myself.  “Rigorous honesty ain’t always easy.”

Today I will try to practice rigorous honesty.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Spoiled

The New Boss showed me a picture of the trout he’d caught the night before from the stream in front of his A-frame camp. Again, I thought his camp cost more than my house, and my car, and my wife’s car combined. The twinge of jealousy grew until I thought about what I’d just been thinking.

I had a house. I had a car. My wife had a car.

Over the years I’d gotten spoiled. Growing up, very few kids in my neighborhood had their own cars, including me. We had family cars. If our chores weren’t done, or our grades sucked, or our parents were doing something, we didn’t drive.

Even kids who owned a car weren’t always lucky. My friend Greg bought a car with his own money. That car taught him more about auto repair than he ever wanted to know. Eventually he traded it, but I know he had fantasies of setting it on fire and pushing it over a cliff.

As an adult, I had a reliable car parked in a garage, in a nice house.  When my car didn’t work, I paid someone to fix it.  I drove that car whenever I wanted. Unlike many of my AA friends, I’d never lost my license, although I should have.

 

Today I will take stock: have I become spoiled?

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Admiration Without Jealousy

The New Boss was late getting to work the next day.  We were supposed to meet at 8:30, but he didn’t arrive until 9:00.

“Sorry, Ken,” he said as I sat across from him. “You like to fish, right?” I nodded. “I was at my camp and the fish were biting.” He showed me a picture of his “camp,” a three story A-frame overlooking a pool on a trout stream. I had no doubt his camp cost more than my house, and my car, and my wife’s car, combined.

 “Wow,” was all I could manage. I tried not to be jealous. The New Boss worked hard. He’d built the agency from the ground up. Whatever rewards he’d gotten, he deserved. Even if he hadn’t worked hard, being jealous wasn’t going to add to my happiness.

I looked at the pictures again, admiring the view. “You catch anything?” I asked, secretly hoping he hadn’t. I couldn’t help being a little jealous.

Today I will admire without jealousy.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Regret Recycling

The next day we took Brat Boy to a college tour. We toured the school where I drank my way out of my Ph.D. program. As we walked across the urban campus, we passed places where I should have spent more time, and places where I wasted hour after hour. “My academic career -more libation than library,” I said to nobody in particular, shaking my head.

“At least I know what ‘libation’ means,” I added, thinking I had spoken too softly for anyone to hear.

“That’s nice,” Dr. Deb said, “but how about you quit talking to yourself in public.”

By the time the tour ended I felt deep pangs of regret. I couldn’t help but recall all the time, money, and opportunities I’d wasted.  The tour stopped and I stood next to a recycling bin. It made me think.

I had recycled my regret into reaction. Feeling so bad at the time I failed out of school had motivated me to stop drinking, go back and get a master’s degree, and reconnect with family.  It had changed my behavior. And it had served its purpose. Regretting the past now was a waste of time.

I said to myself, “Unless it motivates me, or changes my behavior, regret is wasted.”

“You really need to stop talking to yourself,” Dr. Deb said. 

Today I won’t waste any regrets I might have.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Have You Seen Our Water Bill?

I wondered what happened to that man. I had said to him, “You’re trying to fill the bathtub without plugging the drain.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he had said.

 “If you fill a tub fast enough, you’ll get ahead of the open drain. The water level will rise, but you won’t see what’s going down the pipe. ”

I didn’t think he got the analogy, but after a moment’s thought he said, “I work to fill my life with money, power, and things. My house is full like the tub, but my family life is going down the tubes.  The years circle the drain, but I focus on the things pouring in.”

“The drain stays open,” I said, “when you get more and enjoy it less.  You need to get less and enjoy more. You need to soak in the tub.”

“That’s your advice, soak in the tub?”

“Literally and figuratively.”

Today I will soak in the tub.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/