Compare and Contrast

Counting my blessings brought me back to how far I’d come.  I reminded myself that thirty years earlier I had been sitting alone on my bed in my tighty whiteys. No plans for the day except to convert beer into urine in my empty apartment. Hating myself for drinking my way out of school. Feeling overwhelmed at work, crushed by debt, and wondering what I’d fail at next.

I didn’t think hitting rock bottom was necessary to feel happy. I just thought the contrast enhanced the image. Comparing the past to the present made clear just how lucky I’d been.

Today I’ll remember losing makes having all the sweeter.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Lucky Man

‘I can charter a plane if you’re still afraid of flying,’ Cara texted.  ‘It would just be your friends on the plane.”

‘Thanks, but I’ll pass,’ I texted.

I wondered what it would be like to have the money to charter a plane whenever you wanted to. For a second I was jealous.

I remembered something the comedian Stephen Wright had said. You can’t have everything, where would you put it? Cliché as it seemed, I took a long look at all I had and decided I’d hit life’s lottery.

Today I’ll take another look at all I have to be grateful for.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Free This Week:

Hauling it to the Curb: 

Cleaning Up Your Life in Early Recovery

Here's an excerpt:

Denial Dictionary

•    alcoholic: anyone who drinks more than we do, or drinks a cheaper brand in rougher places; "If you want to see alcoholics, stick your head in the door at Bubba's. I'm going to the country club for a wine tasting.”
•    coupla: an unspecified amount greater than two; “I’m gonna have a coupla beers.”

https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B001K8MG0S

Goodness Gracious

Cara sent out a group message saying she was flying to Las Vegas with Josh’s nineteen-year-old daughter to pick up Josh’s ashes.  Josh’s wife had left him and his daughter years earlier, never to be seen again.  ‘Nobody should have to make that trip alone,’ Cara texted. ‘I can buy the ticket if anybody else wants to come too.’

I smiled. Cara parked illegally, cut lines, answered calls in movie theaters, insisted on being the center of attention even at other people’s weddings, and occasionally blew up parking lots full of expensive cars.

On the other hand, Cara looked out for her friends in all things, always.  It was her best quality.

‘You’re a good friend,’ I texted Cara separately.

‘Obviously,’ she texted back.

Today I’ll be grateful for other people’s good qualities.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Unacceptable

My cell phone rang. Trevor called to tell me a hiker had found Josh’s body in the desert outside of Las Vegas. 

Our friend Josh had gotten sober only to pick up an addiction to gambling.  “Apparently he owed some bad people a lot of money,” Trevor said. 

Kahlil Gibran wrote that the deeper sorrow carves into you, the more joy you can hold. I held onto that notion as waves of grief and anger washed over me.

For most of the morning I fought the idea that Josh wasn’t coming back from Vegas, wasn’t going to beat his gambling addiction, wasn’t going to put his life back on track.

Finally, I accepted the unacceptable. Addictions killed people, and not just anonymous people, or people I barely knew, not just celebrities on the news.

Today I may have to accept the unacceptable.

 Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Tie the Not

“They’re back,” The Other Ken said to me the next day at work, shaking his head.

“Who’s back?” I asked.

 “The guy who said he would not put up with his wife getting another DUI. She got her third, but the kids weren’t in the car so he’s not divorcing her.”

“He needs to tie the not,” I said.  The Other Ken looked puzzled.  I added, “When you say you’re not going to do something, and you tie it to consequences and rewards.  If I relapse, I’m not going to have my job anymore.  Dr. Deb and I have an agreement that I’d not be allowed to come home until I completed rehab.  Enjoying my life, and I do, is tied to not drinking.”

“Our guy needs to tie the not,” The Other Ken agreed. 

Today I will tie the not.

  

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

The Right Kind of Ridiculous

Blondie hugged me at 3:00 a.m.  She had been on China time for three weeks. To her it seemed like 3:00 in the afternoon.

“You’re ridiculous!” she said with a smile.

“I wanted to make sure you were OK.”

“My flight leaves in three hours.  I think I could handle being in the airport by myself that long.”

She was right of course. I was being ridiculous, going overboard being protective.  I wondered if that was such a bad thing.

Thirty years earlier I’d met a guy in AA who went around with just a dime in his pocket. There were no cell phones back then. He kept the dime in case he needed to make a call from a pay phone.

Even after a decade sober, he didn’t want to have money to drink. He said he thought he was being ridiculously cautious, but why take chances?

Later I watched Blondie’s plane take off, glad I’d been there to make sure she’d made her connection. I thought of my friend who’d died serene and sober, probably with that dime still in his pocket.  Sometimes being a little ridiculous was a good thing.

Today I will be the right kind of ridiculous.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Still

People have always interested me.  I was sitting in the Airport waiting for Blondie, listening to the conversations around me. A young man sitting across from me rose, paced around the room, stared at the runways, and sat down, only to stand up again a moment later.

An older woman put her hand on his arm and said, “Be still and know I am.” She pulled him back into his chair.

“Am what?” asked the young man.

“Still here,” she said. “God is still here.”

“I don’t believe in God.”

She hugged him and said, “Then just be still. And know at this very moment you’re OK.”

Today I will be still and live in the moment.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Redundancy Law

Blondie texted me from China later the next day.  Her plane was arriving in Pittsburgh at midnight. She wouldn’t clear Customs until much later. She had a morning flight to Myrtle Beach.  I told her I’d stay with her between flights.

She sent me a heart emoji with the text, ‘Sweet, but I think I’m old enough to be in the airport by myself!”

 ‘Sorry,’ I texted, ‘but the Redundancy Law says I gotta be there.’   

She texted a question mark. I texted, ‘By law planes have redundant systems. If one system fails there’s a backup system and probably a backup to that.  I tell you I love you, so it’s redundant for me to meet you at the airport, but I’m doing it anyway just to be sure you know.  It’s the backup required by the Law.

Today I’ll obey Redundancy Law with people I love.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Greasy Skid Stuff

“By the way,” Cara said, “My friend owns a restaurant not far from the golf course.  You can have his bachelor party there.” 

Cara was a master organizer.  Under other circumstances I might have been glad for her help.  Now she was just greasing the skids for Sam’s Titanic of a wedding.

Some people are a bad influence, but skid greasers go a step further and ease you into ruining your life.  The skid greaser shows up with the booze so you don’t have to leave home to relapse.  They introduce you to the person who seems nice at first, but becomes the reason you change your cell phone number and the passwords on your laptop.

Skid greasers seem like nice people.  They sound sincere. They are the bricklayers paving the road to hell with good intentions. “I just wanted you to have some fun,” they say. “My brother’s a lawyer, he’ll get us out.”

Today I’ll beware of the skid greasers.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Time for a Laugh

The Youngstown Kid sat down to my right and began telling me for no apparent reason how he could convince any atheist God did exist.  Some might insist they still didn’t believe, but The Kid knew they couldn’t admit he’d changed their minds. “I may start a church,” he said.

Cara sat down on my left. Apparently unaware somebody was already talking to me, Cara complained about being sued by the people in the building next to the parking lot she’d blown up. She thought they should stop whining about their safety and their windows.

Sue looked at me from across the table and laughed. She texted me an eye-rolling emoji.  I texted back a series of laughing emoji.  Neither Cara nor The Youngstown Kid stopped talking as I typed on my phone.

Sue laughed out loud. She called up the stopwatch app on her phone and showed it to me.  We both laughed as she timed how long the two of them would go on.  Instead of being annoyed, I began to enjoy the conversations.

Today I’ll be grateful for people who make me laugh.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

More On

I grabbed a cup of coffee and sat across from Sue and a young woman I didn’t recognize. 

The woman said, “I feel like I should be doing more since I got sober.  More for my kids, more for my husband, maybe even more for me.”

Sue smiled, and asked, “You want to make up for the time you spent drinking?”

“I do. I feel like I owe them.”

“Don’t be a more on.  Don’t pile more on today because of what you didn’t do yesterday.  Let it go and start over.”

I remembered spending the first few years of my sobriety trying to put more on myself.  I went back to school, tried to run a mental health center, and played basketball every chance I got.  Much of the time I was exhausted, but convinced I was making up for lost time.

“She’s right,” I said. “Early on I thought I was getting smarter, more experienced, and in better physical shape.  Really I was wearing myself out, being a more on. I’m lucky I stayed sober.”

Today I’ll try not to be a more on.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Calculated Risks

Billie showed up at the next Monday Knights meeting with her new boyfriend. 

“I’m ready to take a calculated risk,” she said when he went to get coffee.  “I figure I couldn’t possibly be as wrong about him as I was about my ex.  The odds are in my favor.”

Sam said, “That’s kind of what I’m doing, taking a calculated risk.” I shook my head.

“Billie’s giving up a safe but lonely life, hoping for a better relationship than she had with her husband.  Getting sober is a calculated risk. We give up our chemical, betting we’re going to get a better life. You’re giving up a social relationship you don’t like for a legally binding one.” 

  

“Well when you say it like that, of course it sounds bad.”

I shook my head and walked away.   

Today I will take calculated risks.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Gesture

‘BTW,’ the newcomer’s text read, ‘I had my clean date tattooed on my shoulder. Action speaks louder than words, but ink shouts it out forever!’ 

“Doesn’t know the difference between action and gesture,” I said to Brat Boy, showing him the text. “The tattoo is a gesture. Changing his lifestyle would be action.”

Brat Boy said, “It’s about the effort, right?  Holding the door open for an old person is a gesture.  It’s nice but it’s not taking an elderly neighbor shopping. That’s action.”

 I nodded, “Buying matching workout clothes – that’s a gesture.  Going to the gym five days a week in whatever, that’s action,” I said, patting myself on the back.

“I think you’re confusing ‘whatever’ with raggedy. Outdated, bottom of the donation box, worn-out…”

“OK, I get your point,” I said. "I don't dress well for the gym."

“Mismatched, shabby…”

  

Today I will remember action speaks louder than gestures.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Of Diamonds and Dogshit

Later, I was sitting next to Brat Boy on the couch. I got a text from an AA newcomer complaining he’d gone to a speaker meeting and hadn’t heard anything useful. I texted back, ‘If you knew there was a big diamond under a pile of dogshit, how many piles would you lift?’

Brat Boy read my text over my shoulder and laughed, “You love those horrible analogies.”

I said, “This guy wants every word he hears to be full of wisdom. Recovery doesn’t work that way.   You read things and you listen.  Some of it won’t seem important, but every now and then you find that diamond that changes the way you think, changes your life.”

Today I’ll keep looking for that diamond.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Commonplace Miracles
As we were leaving, Roger told me he was running for school board. I told him I would do whatever I could to help.

When I got home, Brat Boy was reading an article on electronics and advances in circuitry.  I called them commonplace miracles.

 

“What’s a commonplace miracle?” Brat Boy asked.

“Miracles that are easy to overlook, like electronics we take for granted. Roger was a drug-dealing thug.  Now he’s a pillar of the community who may get elected to a school board.  Easy to overlook because AA and NA are full of stories like his.”

Brat Boy nodded. “Blondie is sitting in an armchair 35,000 feet off the ground traveling 550 mph and texting us while she watches a movie,”

“You miss her already,” I said.

“I do,” Brat Boy admitted. 

‘My kids are miracles,’ I thought.

Today I’ll be grateful for commonplace miracles.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Reward

“I read your blog. It’s supposed to be about recovery,” a woman I didn’t recognize said to me after an AA meeting.

“It is,” I said, not sure what she was getting at.

“What does Blondie going to China have to do with recovery?”

“I didn’t get sober to get sober. I got sober to get a life.  I write about that life, including my kids, because time with them is the greatest reward of my recovery.   Writing about them IS writing about recovery.”

“Well I think you should talk more about the steps and less about your kids.”

I thought, ‘I feel sorry for you,’ but I smiled and said, “Thanks for your feedback.”

Today I will remind myself of the rewards of recovery.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Brat Boy Interpreted

When I got home that night, Blondie was packing for a trip to China. She’d been selected to study economics for three weeks with another student and their advisor.

“Brat Boy is worried about me,” Blondie said.

“He told you that?” I asked.

Blondie laughed. “In Brat Boy language. He said being blond, I should stay close to the group, maybe tie a piece of string between me and the advisor. He wants me to text him when I get there so he knows I didn’t go to Chile instead of China. Said I could FaceTime him at night if I wanted to.”

I laughed. “He loves you.”

Blondie smiled. “I know.  It’s funny how he’ll say ‘I love you guys’ and we think that’s nice, but when he says it in Brat Boy language, it really sticks. He was telling me to be careful and let him know I made it OK, and I’m alright.”

Today I’ll find another way to say I love you.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

I Used To Be Like That

That Monday was my first day back after the long holiday weekend.  I wanted to spend much of the day planning for the rest of the year.  The night before I had made a spread sheet with five areas I needed to cover.

One of those areas was our home-study courses. We provided continuing education  social workers and addiction counselors used to maintain their licenses and certifications.

Over the weekend everybody and his brother had faxed, mailed, or emailed their home-study tests to me.  Every other one had a note attached saying ‘Sorry I waited until the last minute, but I need this by yesterday.’ 

I weighed my options, starting with faking my own death. Could I pretend I didn’t see the stack of paper on the copier clearly marked ‘Ken’, or the envelopes in my mailbox, or even the messages on my computer?  At least ten other things I could be doing instead of correcting tests popped into my head. 

Or, I could remind myself that I’d struggled with procrastination all through school.  People had helped me out on more than one occasion.  I separated the tests that needed immediate attention from the ones that could wait a day and got to work.

Today I may have to be a little understanding of people who share my faults.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

A Fourth Without A Fifth

The next day was the Fourth of July – Independence Day.  For most people it was a chance to have a few beers and relax. For recovering people the Fourth was a chance to not have a few beers, but relax, free and independent of the misery drinking brought us. 

As I sat on my deck thinking about it, I decided the worst was the morning after when your mind wandered and wondered. I made a list of the wonderings that plague people in addiction.

Wondering where your car might be, where you might be, and who he or she might be.  Wondering where your pants might be.

Wondering if you’re going to prison, if prison is that bad, and if you can cut a deal. Wondering if he or she will ever forgive you. 

Wondering what to say to your boss and co-workers on Monday, if you’ll get fired, if you’ll go viral on YouTube.  Wondering if suicide might be your best option.   

Wondering whether it’s 7:00 am or 7:00 pm, where the day went, and why they won’t leave you the &^%# alone, just sitting in your chair, not bothering anybody. (Knowing they hurt for you and the life you’re wasting.)

The list went on.

Today I’ll be grateful I don’t have to wonder.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/