Too Much

“Say ‘hello’ to Ty-Guy for me,” I said. Ty-Guy was Blondie’s new boyfriend.

“I’ll tell him to make you and Brat Boy a pot of jambalaya,” Blondie said.

“I’ll shoot you both.”

Shortly after they met, Blondie had discovered she and Ty-Guy shared a love for cooking. One Sunday night they made jambalaya for dinner for the whole family.  A lot of jambalaya. I like jambalaya. I liked it that night and the following lunch. I had it for lunch every day that week.  By Friday, I never wanted to eat jambalaya again.  Too much of a good thing is never good.

I like lifting, but I’ve seen guys at the gym addicted to getting bigger turn to steroids. They lift until they’re huge. The strain on their bodies can be deadly. Likewise, I like to jog, but people develop exercise anorexia, running themselves into the ground, burning off every calorie, straining to increase their performance.  Too much exercise can be as bad as no exercise at all.

I don’t drink, any alcohol is too much for me.  Most people can have a glass of wine with dinner without a problem. On the other hand, the people eager to tell me a little wine is good for your heart are often the ones drinking it a box at a time.  What might have been good for them will likely shorten their lives. (If you can’t decide which wine goes with your Egg McMuffin, you’ve got a problem.)

Today I’ll avoid too much of anything.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Oh DAAT 
I called Blondie and convinced her I was unlikely to drown, get shot, or eaten by a bear on my fishing trip. She told me a friend’s mother had gotten drunk after ten years of sobriety and crashed her car.

“Do you think you’ll ever drink again?” Blondie asked.

“Not today,” I said.

“That’s what you always say,” she said, laughing.

“And I’ve been sober 10,923 days, one day at a time.”

“Don’t you ever look to the future?”

“Of course I do. I figure out what I need to do to get ready, and I turn my attention back to that day. One day at a time, I make sure you and Brat Boy and your mother know I love you.  I try to squeeze the joy out of each and every day. I try to accept what sucks each day.  I try to see just how much I can get done so at the end of the day I can go to bed with a feeling of satisfaction.”

She laughed again. “Ok, but the one day you go fishing, don’t swim in the creek, wear your antler hat, or try to pet the bears.”

“Did I tell you I love you today?”

“You always do, Daddy. Love you too.”

Today I will focus on today.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Data

“Call Blondie,” Brat Boy said. “She’s worried about you fishing in the wilderness. It’s like Mom’s paranoia about the woods times ten.”

I shook my head. Blondie worried about the people she loved

.

Brat Boy added, “I told her you fall in every fifty years or so.  You’re due to drown sometime after your 100^th birthday.”

“Makes sense,” I said.

“Blondie thinks you fell in once, you’ll fall in again.  Or get eaten by a bear. Maybe shot by a hunter who thought you were a deer.”

“I won’t wear my antler hat.”

“Blondie worries because she only sees one piece of information.  I look at all the data.  You can swim. You wear water shoes instead of hip waders so there’s nothing to drag you down if you do fall in.  You’re not fishing alone. It’s not deer season.”

“I know a guy whose wife is trying to get him into rehab. She says he’s addicted to painkillers. He keeps saying they’re prescribed. They are, but he shows all the signs of abusing them.  He has a high tolerance, gets shaky and sick if he misses a dose, and is still taking them months after his surgery. He had to really shop around to find a doc to keep prescribing them.”

“He’s gotta look at all the data,” Brat Boy said.

Today I will look at all the data.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Seeing is Remembering

When I got home, Brat Boy was sitting on the couch, tiny screws and pieces of electronics scattered across the coffee table in front of him.

“What’s that?” I asked, pointing at the clutter.

“The guts of your TV,” he said without looking up.  “I hope I can put it back together.”

“What to do you mean, you hope?” I asked.  I loved my TV, and it loved me.

“I’m kidding, Dad.  It’s an amplifier I bought at a garage sale. I just wanted to see how it works.”  He explained the circuitry, but the discussion was way over my head.

“It sounds like you already know how it works,” I said.

“I do, but you know how they say ‘seeing is believing’? Seeing is also remembering. I’ll remember how this works much longer because I’ve seen it.”

It occurred to me he’d be more likely to remember the right thing to do, if he saw me doing it.

Today I will let people see me doing the next right thing.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Serenity Prayer, Part II

“You know the Serenity Prayer, right?” Drivel asked me.

“I’ve been in recovery for almost thirty years,” I said, “I may have heard it once or twice.”

Drivel laughed. “So there’s a part where it says ‘and the wisdom to know the difference,’ meaning being smart enough to know what you can and cannot change.  I always thought that was funny.”

“Why funny?” I asked.

“Because you can always change yourself. It doesn’t take a lot of wisdom to know that. I always thought they should add a line about the strength to change and the wisdom to know how.”

“You may have a point,” I said.

Today I’ll seek the strength to change and the wisdom to know how.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

The Ties That Bind

“Heard anything about Weedman?” I asked Drivel.

“I talked to him today,” Drivel answered.

I hesitated before saying, “I thought you and Weedman never got along. You called him?”

“We didn’t hate each other, but we weren’t friends.  I used to pray he’d get Lyme disease when he was out puttering around in his garden.”

“Wow, that’s cold. How did the conversation go?”

Drivel half snorted, half laughed. ““It was awkward at first, but since we’re both struggling, we had something to talk about. I feel so stupid for buying all the bullshit and snake oil Mike Maverick was selling. Still can’t believe the money I spent.  Weedman feels like an idiot for getting into the mess he’s in.”

“So you’re saying stupidity brought you together?”

“Absolutely. Stupidity. And I’m kind of glad it did. It was the only good thing to come out of the last couple of weeks here.”

Today I’ll be grateful for whatever pulls us together.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

My Nature

The New Boss sent me a thumbs-up emoji and asked if I wanted to go fishing with him over the weekend. Did I want to stay in his cabin, catch trout from a stream running through the Laurel Highlands, just as the leaves were turning? I couldn’t wait to spend some time in nature.

I asked Daniel if he’d ever stayed at the cabin. “Lord, no!” he said. “It’s bad enough we have company picnics there, with all the bugs and the dirt.” I pictured him trying to disinfect a meadow. Daniel connected with nature at the mall’s fountain. “It’s surrounded by plants, Ken.”

Dr. Deb held a deep distrust of the woods, arguing that like in space, nobody could hear you scream in the woods.  She said she’d take out a larger life insurance policy on me.  Dr. Deb communed with nature at the ocean, lying on a chair, surrounded by people who could hear you scream.  I didn’t point out if you did scream, most people would assume you were yelling at your kids and ignore you.

Drivel had stayed in the cabin, but hadn’t liked it. If you could reach a place by car, you were still in the civilization.  Nature, according to Drivel, could only be reached on horseback or by float plane.  “When the pilot says ‘I’ll be back to pick you up in a week,’ man that’s being in nature,” Drivel said.
“Especially if all you have is a sleeping bag, a knife, and a couple matches.”  What he thought of as ‘nature,’ I thought of as a risk to becoming bear droppings.

In any case, I thought it was always good to connect with nature, no matter what the nature of that nature.

Today I will connect with nature that suits my nature.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

When Negotiations Fail

The New Boss forwarded me yet another email from the outside agency about the burnout training. They wanted to renegotiate the length of the training.  He’d added a profanity-laced note.

I texted him back, ‘Thanks for the royal comments.’

He texted me ‘Royal?’

‘Every third word ends in ‘_king,’ I texted back. He sent me an angry emoji.  I sent him and the agency a message saying I would train for five hours on last two weekdays in October, charge $1000, keep the copyrights, and require them to contact me if they wanted to use the tape of the presentation.  I didn’t add the words ‘take it or leave it’ but the message was clear.

Recovery had taught me there was a time to stop negotiating. Towards the end of my drinking days I tried to negotiate with alcohol. I would only drink on weekends. I would limit myself to four beers a night. No booze until after all my schoolwork was done. It never worked.

I gave myself a ‘take it or leave it’ deal. I’d take or leave drinking. I left it behind, and life has been better ever since.

Today I’ll stop negotiating with my addictions and other bad habits.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Reward

I spent most of the next day helping Blondie move into a new apartment. When I got home I checked the weather. Rain was predicted for the next two days. The grass wasn’t high enough to hide a car, but it was getting tall. Even though I was tired, I spent the next two and a half hours cutting and bagging the grass.

When I was done, I wrote my blog. There was more I could have done on my laptop, but I thought I’d earned a reward. I ordered a pizza and watched a movie instead. 

Life can be unfair my first sponsor had reminded me.  Don’t make it more so by cheating yourself out of rewards you’ve earned.

Today I will reward myself.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at www.greenbriartraining

Training Wheels

“There is one silver lining to this,” I said. “You won’t have access to porn in the hospital. It’ll give you time away from your addiction.”

“No, I won’t have access,” Weedman agreed. “But does the time I spend not pursuing my addiction count if I have no other choice?”

“I think it does.  It’s like training wheels on a bike. You may not be balancing the bike, but you are pedaling and you still cover ground.  It’s like the alcoholic who can’t get booze in jail.  His body and brain start to heal no matter why he’s not drinking.”

“I hope you’re right.”

Today I will be grateful for whatever keeps me from my addiction.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

CLEAR!

“Did you know Weedman’s in the hospital?” Daniel asked. “He fell asleep at the wheel. His life is really going down the tubes.”

Later, I called the hospital.  Weedman said, “I stayed up looking for just the right scene.” I didn’t want to know what the 'right scene' might be.  He added, “Before I knew it, it was 4:30 in the morning. I’d been watching porn for six hours.”

“How are you now?” I asked.

“I’m banged up, but the doc said I was lucky. He thinks if I’d been going just a little faster the crash would have killed me. I always thought only alcoholics and drug addicts die from their addictions.”

I said, “People addicted to gambling have a high rate of suicide.  Overeaters struggle with health problems that can kill them. A lot of people addicted to sex put themselves in dangerous situations as part of their ritual.”

After an awkward silence, Weedman said, “I’m grateful I’m alive, but Life is kicking me in the teeth.”

“Life charged up the paddles and hit you with enough shock to jolt you out of your denial. Maybe the shock hurt, but it may also have saved your life, and given you another chance.”

Weedman laughed, “I’ll try to be grateful for the great defibrillator of Life.”

Today I’ll be grateful when Life shocks me out of bad habits.  

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

The Cat’s Meow

“Until I started dating my fiancée I wasn’t much of a cat person,” Daniel said. “But now I love having them around.”

“What changed your mind?” I asked.

“I’ve learned a lot from her cats. They taught me the joy of curiosity.   If she leaves a bag on the floor, they walk around it. They crawl into it. They jump on top. They enjoy the hell out of that bag.  They taught me about patience.  One of her cats watched a spot in the grass for almost an hour before he caught a vole.”

“You have to love the sound of a cat purring.”

“You can hear them purr from across the room. It’s like they want everyone to know they’re happy.  The world would be a better place if we all let everyone know when we were really happy.”

“I’ve always been impressed with how they take a sunbeam and a warm spot and make them into a celebration,” I said.

“Me too,” Daniel said. He laughed, and added, “My grandmother used to say you never learn something new going to the same old places with the same old people and doing the same old things.  My fiancée and her cats have been an education.”

Today I will learn something new from somewhere and/or somebody new.  

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

For Better or Worse

The next day Bandgee once again roamed the halls.  I bent down to scratch his ears. Daniel walked by.

“A couple of months ago you told Brittany no dogs,” I said. “Then you brought in Boo. Now Bandgee lives here.”

“I know,” Daniel said, shaking his head. “I need to enforce my own rules.”

“You misunderstand me. I think it’s great. People have a tendency to think some things are getting worse when they’re really getting better.”

“Not sure I know what you mean,” Daniel said.

“That wasn’t a great example. There are more people with cancer. It looks like things are getting worse until you realize people with cancer are living longer. There are more people in remission.  When people first get sober they’re painfully aware of their feelings and problems.  Seems to them like life has gotten worse, but now that they’re no longer numb, they can deal with their issues.  Things are getting better.”

Daniel laughed. “So things are getting better even though I'm breaking my own rules? Should we get more dogs in the office?”

“And a cat. Maybe two.”

Today I will look for things getting better.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Bridges Not Burned

When I got back home, I collapsed into my favorite chair. Blondie walked over to hug me.

“Daddy, your eye!” Blondie said. “You look terrible.”

“Let me see,” Brat Boy said as he got up from the couch.  He leaned in for a closer look. “She’s right, Dad. You look hideous. And so does your eye.”

Brat Boy grabbed eye drops from the medicine cabinet.  Blondie got a cold, damp washcloth to put over my eye.

They went back to watching a movie. I closed both eyes and thought about how lucky I was to have people who cared about me. Too many people I knew had burned every bridge to loved ones, mostly through their addictions, but sometimes just by being selfish.

Today I’ll be grateful for people who care about me.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Midas/Sadim

When I got home, I took my bike to the local trail. Halfway through my ride, I pedaled through a cloud of gnats. One hit my eye and somehow got under my eyelid.

I rubbed, blinked, and washed my eye with water from a fountain. Nothing worked.  I pedaled most of the way back to my car with one eye watering.  Somewhere along the trail, my tears washed the insect away.  It reminded me of something my first sponsor had said to me.

 “I’m in a deep hole,” I had said, expecting a little understanding.

“You certainly are, Sadim,” he said. I looked at him blankly. He explained, “Sadim is Midas spelled backward.   You’ve taken some golden opportunities and turned them to shit.  But listen, it gets better.  Cry with one eye and keep the other wide open.”

He meant I could cry about today, but not lose sight of where I was going, what I needed to do that day. It also meant look for a better day that was surely coming.

Today I may cry with one eye, but I’ll keep the other wide open.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Do Your Best

The next day wasn’t my day.   The best I could do that day wasn’t the best I could do, but it would have to do.

Today I will do the best I can do, even if it isn’t the best I can do. 

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Repetitive Emotion Injury

“How’s Drivel doing?” Dr. Deb asked.  “You haven’t mentioned him since his guru was arrested.”

“He reminds me of my elbow,” I said.  My doctor had diagnosed ‘computer elbow,’ which he described as a repetitive motion injury. The tendons in my elbow were swollen from overusing them at an awkward angle on my laptop.

“Your elbow?”

“I have a repetitive motion injury. He has a repetitive emotion injury. Neither injury was caused by trauma. The pain built up over time.”

“What’s causing his pain?”

“He’s disappointed in his life in little ways all day long. Nothing overwhelming or horrible, but it adds up. Chasing the next guru is his way of treating the pain.  I wonder if he wouldn’t be better off focusing on gratitude and acceptance to deal with his disappointment.”

Today I’ll beware of repetitive emotion injuries.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Connected

When I got home, I told Dr. Deb about Weedman. She asked if I was feeling down about it.

“A little,” I said. “Hate to see anyone struggle like that.”

“You know what would make you feel better?” she asked.  “Rubbing my back.”

“See, I was gonna guess buying a new fishing rod.”

“Buying something will only make you feel good about that something, and probably only when it’s new.  Rubbing my back will make you feel good about yourself. Much better idea.”

“Next you’re going to tell me this is a win-win situation.”

“Absolutely, and I’m only offering to let you rub my back because I love you. A win-win wrapped in love – you can’t beat that.”

She was right of course, but not because rubbing her back had made me feel good about myself.  Weedman’s troubles hadn’t affected my self-esteem one way or the other. I felt connected as I massaged her shoulders. Staying connected reminded of the saying,  “Joy shared is doubled, sorrow shared is halved.”

Today I will stay connected.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Waste Not, Chase Not

Weedman had been good at his job. I had hoped to learn from him. I didn’t know what he would do next, but I couldn’t help but think his talents might go to waste.  Instead of helping the military and major corporations get their systems to work together, he would likely be sitting at home staring at his computer monitor.

Good parents, good drivers, good doctors, good teachers, good builders, good clergy, good engineers, good people in general - all their abilities suffered when they chased their addictions.  We all felt the loss.  If they got clean and sober the world’s problems wouldn’t be over, but their little corner of it would be a better place to live.

I made up mind for at least one more day, not to waste whatever talent I had chasing an addiction.

Today I won’t waste whatever talents I have by chasing an addiction.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Easier Done than Re-Done

As Daniel was putting the vacuum away, I heard him yell, “Weedman! What the hell.” Weedman was watching porn on his computer. He had the screen turned so it was difficult to see from outside his cubicle, but the sound had been loud enough to draw Daniel’s attention.

Later that day I helped Weedman pack up his belongings.

“I’m struggling Ken,” Weedman said, pointing to his computer. “Once I start, it’s not easy for me to stop again.”

Early in my recovery an old-timer had told me, “I might have another drunk left in me, but I don’t know if I have another recovery. Might die if I pick up the bottle again. That’s why I don’t.”

“Easier to stay sober than to get sober,” I had said.

“You got it kid,” the old-timer had said.  I never forgot it. 

“Don’t give up,” I said to Weedman. “And when you get some more clean time, don’t give it up for anything.”

Today I’ll remember it’s easier to stay sober than to get sober.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Gentle Reminder

Two days later I was back at work and so was Bandgee.  Near the end of the day, the basset hound hid under my desk as Daniel vacuumed the halls and cubicles where the dog had been.

When he was done I said, “No offense, but you are such a neat freak.  Taking in these old dogs really creates work for you.”

Daniel reached down to scratch Bandgee’s ears. He said, “Most of my relationships are low maintenance. It would be easy for me to neglect them. I love these dogs. The extra work they create reminds not to neglect the people I love, whether they’re high or low maintenance.”

When Daniel stopped scratching Bandgee’s ears the dog turned to look at me as if to ask, ‘you just gonna sit there, or you gonna do some scratching too?’ High maintenance dog.

“I see your point,” I said.

Today I’ll be careful not to neglect the people I love, whether they are high or low maintenance.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

“To sleep, perchance to dream…” Shakespeare   

“Wake me and die…”  Montrose

I didn’t go to sleep that night. I melted into my bed. At some point during the night, my skin turned to cotton and the sheets accepted me as one of their own. My pillow cradled my head, drawing all negative thoughts out and replacing them with sweet dreams.

Whenever I read the 3 a.m. posts from friends suffering through insomnia, I felt their frustration. Early in recovery, sleep was an iffy thing.  Likewise, concerns of the day have kept me up at night.

 

One memorable day, when I’d been up with a vomiting child the entire night before, someone in detox asked if I was OK.  I glanced in a mirror. I looked like I might have slept under a dumpster after a three-day bender. My eyes were bloodshot, I’d shaved two-thirds of my face, and a piece of baby vomit clung to my hair.  “I just need a little sleep,” I said.

I will be grateful any day I wake up after a good night’s sleep.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Cheating on the Ethics Test

As I was driving home it occurred to me I was burning out because of a burnout training. The irony hit me and I laughed out loud at myself.  “What’s next?” I asked the steering wheel, “Cheating on an ethics test?” 

Today I will be grateful I can laugh at myself.

Burnout Training ©2018 by Ken Montrose

Burnout Training is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/