Lazy

The speaker was an attractive woman in her early fifties.  About the time her kids went off to college, she inherited a little money.  Her husband’s job paid well.  She was able to quit her full-time job and work part-time from home.

“I wasn’t out of control,” she said.  “I didn’t drive drunk.  I worked on my computer until lunch. After lunch I drank wine. 

“One day my husband counted the wine bottles in the recycling barrel. I went to rehab.”

She took a sip of her coffee and smiled.

 “I’m no expert, but I think some addictions start with laziness. In the afternoon I could have walked the dog, taken a class, volunteered, read a book, or maybe gardened.  I was too lazy to do anything other than walk to the fridge for my bottle.”

She took another sip of her coffee, but this time she frowned.

“When I got sober our relationship changed. My husband was too lazy to work on our marriage.  Porn became his addiction.  Doesn’t require much effort.

“I catch myself settling into lazy habits sometimes, like binge watching TV shows.  I’m careful not let them become new addictions.  Recovery isn’t for lazy people.”

Today I’ll beware of lazy addictions.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Echo

“When Pam and I were both heavy, they called us ‘spam,’’ Sam said to nobody in particular.

“What are you talking about?” I asked.

“My family. To our faces. Sam and Pam, spam.  Not the computer kind, the fatty pork that comes in a can.” 

“That is so cruel,” Kim said.  “Bet they don’t call you that now, though.”

“No, but when I see them I still hear their words echo.  Pam and I really struggled to lose weight. It stings a little they could be that mean and think it was funny.” 

Today I will remember cruel words echo for a long time.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

You Deserve This

While I was waiting for the meeting to start, Dr. Deb texted me a heart emoji.  I started to text her one, but thought she deserved better. I wrote her a note telling her how much she meant to me, what a great mother she was, how she’d made my parents’ lives richer. I told her no nest could be considered empty filled with all the happy family memories she’d created.

Today I will send someone the ‘I Love You’ they deserve.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Slippery

Sam sat down. Roger asked him if he’d canceled his engagement.

“Soon,” Sam said, looking away.

“The slippiest rocks are closest to the waterfall,” I said, not knowing if that was true, but thinking it sounded good.  “The closer you get to the edge, the harder it will be to stop from going over.”

“The word is ‘slipperiest,’” Sam said.  

“The nearer you get to the wedding, the harder it will be to call it off,” I said.

“I got the analogy,” Sam said, sounding worried and a little annoyed.

Cara sat down and pulled three napkins from her purse. She asked Sam which one he’d like to use at the wedding reception.

“Here’s my hairstylist’s card,” Cara said to Kim.  “He can fix anything.”

Today I’ll remember the slipperiest rocks are closest to the waterfall.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Hallway

Roger sat down, and gave us a sad smile.

“My divorce is final,” he said, cocking his head to the side and staring into his coffee.

“When one door closes,” Kim said.

“Another opens,” Roger said, completing her thought.  “Here’s the thing. I keep opening doors in the same crazy hallway.  One of my wives stabbed me. Another set my boat and all my clothes on fire. Time to wander down a different corridor.”

“I switched from booze to Xanax to sex and back to booze before I realized they were all doors in the same hallway,” Kim said.

Today I’ll pick my hallway and my doors carefully.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Too Late

Kim sat next to me at the next Monday Knights AA meeting. “I did something stupid,” She said.

 “Your hair will grow back,” I said. She punched me.

“I got another dog. I like my new hairstyle, jackass.” Kim glared at me. “Anyway, when I was at your house I loved your little dog.  I saw a picture of a dog at the pound that looked just like her.”

“Oh, no,” I said. “You adopted the dog. Your landlord found out. You’re getting kicked out of your apartment.”  She nodded. “Should have called me before you got the dog.”

“I’m like that girl I sponsored who always called me after she got drunk.”

“Not really,” I said. “She had a better haircut.” Kim punched me again.

Today I’ll seek advice before I do something I shouldn’t.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Way Past Indelible

After I cut the grass, I sat down with my laptop.  Someone running against Roger had posted Roger’s mug shot from 1992 and the story of his last arrest.  As Brat Boy had predicted, someone else wrote ‘a leopard can’t change his spots.’

I texted Roger. He’d seen the post. He texted back a laughing emoji.  A minute later he posted an article about his “Bikers and Bookbags” fundraiser where his shop raised money for school supplies for poor kids.

Cognitive therapists talk about ‘indelible past’, the mistaken believe that who I was is who I have to be.  Roger had never fallen into that trap. He didn’t allow people who believed in indelible past define him.

Today I won’t fall into the trap of ‘indelible past.’

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Prime Pump, Maintain the Engine

When I got home from dropping off Brat Boy, I had to cut the grass.  I got the lawnmower out of the shed and checked the gas and oil.  I’d put in a new spark plug and air filter in the spring. My lawnmower had a small black primer. Pushing it pumped a little gas into the engine. 

I pushed the primer a few times and pulled the starter cord.  The engine fired, ran for three or four seconds and stopped.  I pumped the primer several more times. I pulled the cord again. The engine ran, sputtered, caught and ran on.

Priming the pump was like finding motivation.  Motivation only got you up and going.  Maintaining the engine before you primed the pump was like getting your life together.

Some people got a little clean time because they were motivated.  They’d work hard but only stay sober a short time. I pictured them pumping the primer, cutting an inch or two, and pumping the primer again.

The smart ones changed the people, places, and things that threatened their recovery once the motivation ran out.  They got rid of the fatty snacks, pitched the paraphernalia, dumped the booze, or got out of the draining relationship.  The changes they made kept the engine of their recovery turning.

 

Today I will maintain the engine of my recovery.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Satisfaction or Regret

We moved Brat Boy into his first college dorm the next day.  He had lived with us for 6,858 days. I was sure we had made mistakes, but I could look back with satisfaction at those days.  Maybe we hadn’t always gotten it exactly right, but Dr. Deb and I had done our best.

I wasn’t sure how the rest of my days would turn out, but I knew I would look back with satisfaction if I had done my best, regrets for not having tried.

I will look back on today with satisfaction.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Tired

The next day I found my gym had gotten a huge tractor tire.  People flipped the heavy tire to strengthen their upper bodies.

 When I got the tire up to my chest on the third flip, my shoulders ached. I wanted to drop the tire and walk away.  That little voice said, “Quit, two flips is plenty.”

Instead, I rested the tire against my chest, caught my breath, and pushed.   I tipped the tire over and stepped back.  A wave of triumph washed over me. 

“The trick,” I said to the tire as I stood over it, “Is to rest but not quit.”

Today I may rest, for a moment, but I won’t quit.  

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

What Are You Looking For?

“Hey what’s with the sign in our yard?” Brat Boy asked.

“My friend Roger is running for school board,” I said.

Brat Boy seemed surprised.  “Didn’t Roger do some serious time in prison for selling drugs?” I told him that was twenty years ago. Since then Roger had been a model citizen.  Brat Boy seemed skeptical.

I said, “Before I got sober I was wasting my life. I turned in a new direction. Imagine a car taking a hard right.  Roger was hurting people’s lives. He made a complete U-turn.  I gotta admire that.”

“Some people won’t see it that way.  They’ll say a leopard can’t change his spots.”

“I know. But they’re looking to judge, not to be inspired.”

Today I’ll look for inspiration.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

The Blame Game

“Who was that?” Brat Boy asked as I put down my phone.

“My friend Billie,” I answered. “She’s getting married again.” Brat Boy told me he knew. I asked him how.

“I know her son.  Your friend blamed him for her not dating anyone. She’d say she wanted to, but he wouldn’t understand. Some b.s. about him not wanting a new father figure.”

“Was there any truth to that?”

“No, it was just her way of denying she was afraid to get hurt again.  He’d totally understand. In fact, he wished she would date, maybe it would help her lighten up a bit.”

“Easier to blame someone than to admit to our own issues, I guess.”

Today I’ll remember blame can be a form of denial.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Good Friends

Billie choked up a little as she told me about her wedding plans.

“Are you OK?” I asked.

She hesitated, then said, “Do you know who’s really happy for me?  Roger. Roger is going through a painful divorce, but he’s happy I’m getting married.”

“Roger’s a good guy,” I said, thinking that of course Roger was happy for her.

“You don’t understand,” Billie said. “In his shoes, I’d be resentful. I once ducked out of being a bridesmaid because a friend was marrying the perfect guy.  I was bitter about the nitwit slutdog I’d married.”

“Is slutdog a word?”

“Ken, focus. The point is, he’s a better person than I was. I’m lucky he’s my friend.”

“I am too,” I said, thinking what a good friend Roger was to all of us.

Today I’ll be grateful for good friends.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Second Chance

The next night Billie told me she had gotten engaged. She asked, “Am I out of my freakin’ mind to get married again?”

“Remember Cruella?” I asked.  Billie’s first sponsor had earned many nicknames including Cruella DeVille, The Wicked Witch of the North Hills, and Maddy. (Maddy because she was an MDD - Miserable Dry Drunk.)

“She drove me away from AA the first time around.”

“But you came back and your life has gotten much better.”

“Good point,” Billie admitted. “But if this marriage goes as badly as the first one, I’m going to run over all my friends who told me to give it a second chance. Starting with you.”

“I’d expect nothing less.”

Today I’ll give a good thing a second chance.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Talent

Brandy had caught a ride with Cara to the river, but asked if I could take her home.  “That woman can talk!” Brandy said as she closed the car door.

“Yes Cara can,” I agreed.

Brandy leaned forward to study my face. She asked if I was mad.

“A little,” I admitted. “I get angry on the toll addiction takes on talented people.”

“Like my dad?” Brandy asked. “His main talent seemed to be pissing people off.”

I laughed. “He was good at that, but he was also a math wizard.  He wasted his talent figuring out odds, trying to find a way to beat the house.  I thought he could put that ability to better use.”

“Like what?” Brandy asked. 

“He could be funny. He was a really good story teller. He explained things well. I thought he could have been a great math teacher.”

We drove in silence for several miles. I looked over at Brandy. She seemed to be deep in thought. Finally, she said, “He would have been a great teacher.” More silence, and then she added, “Hope you’re happy. Now I’m pissed.”

“Don’t get mad,” I said. “Make yourself a promise you won’t waste your talents, that you’ll do some good in the world.”

Today I’ll try to put my talents to good use.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

A Little Something Extra

A week later we all met by the pool on the Allegheny River. Trevor had made what looked like a miniature ark.  He’d stained the tiny boat a rich brown and carved intricate designs on the bow.

The cabin of the boat had a hinged top. Trevor opened the top and poured Josh’s ashes into the vessel.

 

“It’s beautiful,” Brandy said, wiping away a tear. “You went to so much trouble for something that’s just going to float away.”

Trevor shrugged. “Josh was my friend. You make the extra effort for friends.”

When I saw how the boat lifted Brandy’s spirits, maybe just a little, I thought the effort wasn’t wasted.

Today I will make the extra effort for friends.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Letting Go

“I always thought your father had everything under control,” I said to Brandy. “At least until he started gambling.”

Brandy sighed. “He wasn’t out of control until I left for school.” She sighed again and laughed a little, “Maybe he doesn’t deserve to have his ashes dumped in a soccer tournament Porta-John.”

“They have lightly used Porta-Johns on the bike trails,” I suggested.

“The restrooms at my old high school are really nice,” Brandy said.  “But his male friends might get in trouble hanging out in the bathroom of an all-girls high school as we flushed the ashes.”

I laughed.  “There’s a pool on the Allegheny where we went fishing.  It’s peaceful there.”

“I’d have to let go of some of my anger to leave his ashes there. Ken, he sold our house, gave away the dog, lost my tuition money.”

“Letting go is usually a process, better to get it started now.”

Today I will accept letting go is often a process not an event.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Five Steps for Staying Clean While Taking Medications

From Staying Clean, Taking Medications, free this week on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B001K8MG0S


1) Stop taking anything not prescribed for you.  This includes alcohol and other drugs, over-the-counter medications, and anything prescribed for your spouse or significant other. 

2) Find a doctor familiar with addiction and recovery.  Just because your doctor or dentist has been to medical or dental school, does not mean he or she understands addiction.

3) Work with your doctor to eliminate all unnecessary medications. 

4) Treat whatever still needs treatment, starting with non-chemical treatments and using addictive meds only as a last resort.

5) Take stock and reevaluate the need for prescribed medications.

Don’t Compare

Josh’s daughter painted a picture of her life as a parental child. She had paid the bills. She had cooked meals and done the laundry.  Brandy had answered the mail and made sure her father got his car inspected and the oil changed.

Josh hadn’t done much more than earn a paycheck and sign whatever Brandy put in front of him. When she’d gone to school he’d been overwhelmed. That’s when Josh’s new addictions had kicked in.

I hadn’t known any of this.  Josh had always impressed me as someone organized and in control.  Struggling to be more organized, I’d beaten myself up for not being more like Josh.  Now I knew – Brandy had been organized, not Josh.

I remembered the slogan: ‘Don’t compare your insides to other people’s outsides.’  Don’t put yourself down because you don’t feel as good as they look. 

Today I won’t compare my insides to other people’s outsides

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Now I Get It

 ‘I have no idea why Brandy’s so angry,’ I thought. ‘Maybe I should wait until I hear her side of the story.’ I called instead of texting. 

“I’m sorry for your loss,” I said. I asked how she was doing. We talked a little about her grief. I said, “I heard you wanted to put his ashes in a Porta-John.”

“And you want to know why?” she asked.  “Because I want that POS to feel at home.”   She described in detail the source of her anger.

The night before she left for college her friend stayed over. They heard through the wall the porn Josh was watching. She’d been more than a little embarrassed.  When she got to school she had to take out a loan after finding he’d gambled away her college money, most of which she’d earned. 

Brandy got a post card a week into the first semester telling her Josh had sold the house, but had found a home for their dog Bubbles.  He’d send for her when he hit it big.  She knew he’d sold all her stuff she’d left at home.   The list went on.

“Now do you understand I’m so angry?” she asked.  I did.

“The Porta-Johns on the last day of a soccer tournament are the worst I’ve ever seen,” I said. I sent her a link. 

Today I won’t judge without understanding.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Free this Week:

AArdvarks (a daily recovery message novella) 

https://lnkd.in/epeWgyZ
Vampires and Zombies
"I read one of your books today," my son said  as I sat next to him on the couch.

"What'd you think?" I asked.

"It was OK, but you should add zombies and vampires to your books."

"I'm not sure how I'd work zombies and vampires into a book about addiction," I said. "Vampires don't do well in rehab, the undead don't go to AA meetings."

"OK, but vampires are like the people in your books. They're a danger to the living. They spend all night looking for something.  They know they're dead inside, but they're afraid of being completely dead."

"What about zombies?" I asked.

"They're  worse.  They chase their stuff night and day.  They don't remember what it was like to be alive.  Maybe you could write a book about vampires who become zombies."

"I think you've got an idea there, son," I said.

"I want it dedicated just to me," he said, laughing.  "And royalties."

Today I will be grateful I'm no longer a zombie.

Free This Week:
Heroin, Oxycontin, & Other Opiates: Breaking Your Addiction

https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B001K8MG0S

     "There is a “carrot and stick” to opiates. Imagine a jackass chasing a carrot dangled in front of him on a stick. The animal will chase that carrot until he is exhausted, remembering the taste of the first carrot.
     "Now imagine that his master finally allows him to eat the carrot in the shade. The carrot only satisfies his hunger for a few minutes. In what seems like a moment, his master will be hitting him with a stick to get him moving again. Soon his belly is rumbling, his sides hurt from the stick, and he knows he must get up to chase another carrot.
     "Opiates are the carrot and the stick. The high, and the escape from pain, are the carrot. Withdrawal and all the problems opiate addiction causes are the stick. Addiction is the master. Guess which role you play. This workbook will help you stop."

Reasonably Angry?

When I got back to my desk, Cara texted me. ‘Can you talk to Josh’s daughter Brandy? Here’s her #.  She wants to drop Josh’s ashes in a Porta-John.’

I felt my anger building. Josh hadn’t been a saint, but I thought he deserved better. He had fed and clothed and taken care of his daughter alone. He’d scraped together the money for her private school.  Maybe the brat could show a little gratitude.

I took a deep breath.

“Sometimes anger is the only reasonable response,” I said to my laptop.  “But it’s also a drug. It’s a shot of adrenaline with a self-righteous chaser.  It’s mood altering and addictive.”

I wasn’t being reasonable. I was irritated because my friend had thrown his life away, refusing to see he’d picked up a new addiction.  Brandy was just a convenient lightning rod for my wrath.

Once I understood why I was angry, I knew I had to let it go. “Easier said than done.”

Today I’ll try to let go of my unreasonable anger.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Strange Celebration

He put the specimen cup on the counter. I opened the twelve panel test kit. “You don’t have to wait for the results,” I said. “The Other Ken will let you know if there’s a problem.”

He hesitated. I told him he could watch the lines appear on the test strips if he wanted to.  The first six lines appeared almost at once. All negative. I turned the test kit over. Five lines. He looked worried. The sixth line slowly formed. He sighed. “Knew it,” was all he said.

“I can make you a copy of the report,” I said. “It’s just a single sheet of paper. He smiled. I added, “I can even laminate it.”

“Strange thing to celebrate,” he said, “but is the first time I’ve been able to pass a drug screen since I was thirteen.”

“Then you should certainly celebrate,” I said. “Sometimes strange is good.”

Today I’ll find something strange to celebrate.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/

Doing What I Can

A young man knocked on my door.  “They said you could do my drug screen.”

‘All those years of school so I could watch grown men pee,’ I thought.  “Yep, can do,” I said.

When I was still drinking I spent many days stumbling to the bathroom to pee or puke. Thirty years later I still spent a lot of time in the bathroom, but for a better reason.  Drug screens helped people stay clean and sober, especially if a dirty screen might result in jail time.  Doing the screens freed up time for the therapists to spend with our clients.

Doing drug screens wasn’t a big help, and I didn’t do all that many, but it was something.  I wondered if there were other small ways I could help out.

“You must hate this,” the young man said as I closed the bathroom door.

I laughed. “Only when my son tells his friends I hang out in the bathroom, but doesn’t tell them why.”

Today I’ll do what I can to help.

Dogged Determination ©2018 & 2019 by Ken Montrose

Dogged Determination is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and anyone you might know is purely coincidental.

Other works by Ken Montrose are available at: www.greenbriartraining.com https://www.pinterest.com/kenmontrose/mt-rose/